Wife Blames Me for Her Illness

19 September, 2020
Q As-salamu Alykum.

One night, my wife slept until 11 am, which was strange for me and I asked her if she was sick. But she was not sick at that time.

However, she has gotten really sick now, and she blames me that this happened because I had asked her that question a few days ago.

How to calm her down and make her understand that no, she is not sick because of my question?

Answer


In this counseling session:

  • As husband and wife, you are going to experience trials throughout your marriage, many that you never see coming.
  • You should know that it is not your or your wife’s fault that she is ill. Separate your spouse from their illness. She must be going through some imbalanced emotions.
  • You can be supportive without being a doormat.
  • Communicate and listen when she feels down.
  • Educate yourself about her illness. If it is mental illness, then you need to understand that it will affect EVERY aspect of life. Find out what is wrong with her. The more you know, the more supportive and compassionate you will be toward your spouse.
  • I am sure when your wife is more calmed and less stressed, she will realize that accusing you was wrong, In sha’ Allah. Give her some time to be herself and be there for her whenever she needs you.

As-Salaam ‘Aleikom brother,

It must be confusing for you when your wife blames you for something you are not responsible for.

Trials

As husband and wife, we are going to experience trials throughout our marriage, many that we never see coming. Maybe your wife feels depressed. Whatever her illness is, remember, it is not your fault. You just showed your concern for her health when you asked her if she was ok. It was caring.

Have you not asked her what the matter with her was and how she was feeling? If not, give her some time, and I am sure she will tell you what it is. Most importantly, you are both together and you should support and help her if she feels unwell.

Wife Blames Me for Her Illness - About Islam

Here are some important things to do when your spouse is sick: 

You should know that it is not your or your wife’s fault that she is ill. Separate your spouse from their illness. She must be going through some imbalanced emotions. Whatever her illness is, she will be having negative thoughts or a bad attitude.

Remember that underneath all of those unpleasant symptoms is the person you married, and you need to be close to her during her time of suffering.

It is not personal. Remind yourself that the mood and behavior are symptoms of the illness. At the same time, set your boundaries and gently let her know when they’ve crossed the line and hurt your feelings. You can be supportive without being a doormat.


Check out this counseling video:


Communication and education

Support her by listening without judging or trying to fix the problem. She may feel like it is necessary to hide feelings of fear of her illness, being judged, or disappointing you. Communicate and listen when she feels down.

Educate yourself about her illness. If it is mental illness, then you need to understand that it will affect EVERY aspect of life. Find out what is wrong with her. The more you know, the more supportive and compassionate you will be toward your spouse.

She may not be the best judge of her current mental state. You may need to seek medical help on your spouse’s behalf. Prepare yourself to hold her accountable to take her medication and manage her illness. Together, you can work through this issue and become stronger, both individually and as a union, In sha’ Allah.

Allah (swt) has instructed men to be nice to their wives and to treat them well to the best of their ability:

“…And live with them in kindness…” (Quran 4:19)

Your wife may be sleeping more than she does normally because she is tired, in pain, depressed, trying to hide her illness, or she simply just doesn’t have the energy to be awake. It is ok to ask her what she needs from you right now, and what would help her the most in this moment. You can help her relax by giving her a massage or make some comfort food. Do whatever you need to do to help her relax.

Conclusion

When it comes to expressing your concerns, you can try writing down in a journal instead of overwhelming your spouse with them all at once. Then, you can pick and choose which ones are worth talking about. Speak to her in a softer tone and use “I” statements.

For example, “I get worried about you when you don’t talk to me about your problem”, “I care about you and would never want you to go through anything unpleasant, so please don’t accuse me of your illness”.

It is important to treat her like an adult, even if your duties feel more like mothering. I am sure when your wife is more calmed and less stressed, she will realize that accusing you was wrong, In sha’ Allah. Give her some time to be herself and be there for her whenever she needs you.

May Allah (swt) give your wife a good health and ease her problem, In sha’ Allah.

JazakAllah,

***

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