What to Do to Save My Distressed Marriage?

03 October, 2020
Q Salam. I am married for nearly 10 years. We have 4 kids. I am stuck in a very unhealthy situation for the past few years. I loved my husband dearly, but I find myself in tears while writing this post.

I have tried to work things out. I always want to communicate, spend time, and get intimate with him, but it seems he gets irritated. He betrayed me twice (with my real sister and her real niece). He says it's complicated.

He knows it is wrongdoing it, and he is trying to come out of the flare. He claims in both cases it was the other side who had seduced him and he fell for them. He is trying to stop with his niece.

Do I sound so indifferent talking about it normally? I lost my mind, my faith in relationships; I lost love, trust, passion, interest, everything.

I am deeply hurt and shattered, but I compose myself for the sake of our children and I still forgive him because he is deeply concerned about his mistakes. He prays and he is very knowledgeable about Islam. But I can’t find peace.

Of the past few years, his hot temper often turns into tantrums over me and the kids. He swears, scolds, and says means things to be picking up minor things. I try to work things out, but he often refuses to spend time with us; he instead watches TV or browses his phone.

At first, I thought it was due to business trouble and I was sympathetic towards him. But maybe it’s more than that.

I am a full-time working woman and a mother of four. We live with my in-laws and one of his brothers. Thus, we don’t really have privacy. He works from home for the past few years. His sleeping time doesn’t synchronize with me.

He would not come to the room until nearly it’s my time to wake up. If I call him craving for his attention, he gets mad at me thinking I am trying to control him. We do have a bedroom relationship though.

I am contemplating to ask for divorce, but I believe it will not be good for our children. I see little effort from him to show appreciation towards me, my sacrifices, compromises, love, care, and responsibilities. I want to know how to make things work for us.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• One strategy to consider is having your own home separate from in-laws.

• Promote a synchronized schedule as this plays a big part in inconsistent intimacy between a husband and a wife.

• Make sure you try different ways of approaching your husband if you are not getting any responses or interest from him to discuss issues.

• If your husband is uninterested in working on the marriage, you always have the option to divorce.


Salaam sister,

It is unfortunate that you are in such a situation and while I commend your patience there is a breaking point for all people. You are right for losing your mind; this is not normal and it is quite twisted that your sister and niece have “betrayed” you with your husband.

All three of them are equally to blame regardless of who says one was seduced over the other. This may be a result of families living with each other and not having enough space and privacy.

Muslim cultures strongly emphasize family commitment, so much so that we find many cases where several relatives live under one roof and this tends to cause more tensions and issues than good.

This is why in cases of polygamy a man must provide separate quarters for his wives and their children. If possible, one strategy to consider is having your own home separate from in-laws. This will provide organic growth and privacy for you and your husband to build a relationship with the distractions, needs, or possible seductions of other relatives.

What to Do to Save My Distressed Marriage? - About Islam

Another strategy is to promote a synchronized schedule as this plays a big part in inconsistent intimacy between a husband and a wife. While you may not be able to go to bed at the same time seven days a week, there should be a compromise and aim to do so 3-4 nights a week. This is realistic and likely to improve your bedtime bonding.

Furthermore, if your husband is uninterested in working on the marriage, you always have the option to divorce. I always hear this idea of „staying together for the children”.

Yet, what good are two miserable parents together going to benefit children anyways? If all means have been exhausted to improve the marriage, but the same cruelty and cheating continues, you have every right, and in some cases, an obligation, to remove yourself and your children from an oppressive and unhealthy environment that displays immoral patterns.


Check out this counseling video:


Make sure you try different ways of approaching your husband if you are not getting any responses or interest from him to discuss issues. I would suggest couple’s counseling in your area with a professional who specializes in marriage therapy. You can also check out online resources for ways to improve your marriage.

May Allah help you,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting