I am seeking advice as I and my parents regret that I married the man that I'm currently married to. I had a previous marriage experience that ended with divorce. My ex-husband was bipolar and had PTSD!
I have recently got married (7 months ago) to a man who lives 8 hours away from the city and state that I've used to live in (with my parents). Both of my parents, especially my mother encouraged me to get married to him. He's from her country of origin.
Due to the long distance and big travel expenses we have spent nearly our whole engagement by phone communication and met each other in person once , which was a day before the nikah and walimah. Before the man got along well with my mother as she speaks his native language, but he refuses to talk to my father who doesn't speak his native language, especially after we have gotten married.
Early in the marriage when I went to visit him from winter break, he seemed rather pleasant and easy going. I have also learnt that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage which he was a little disappointed about.
A few months later when I permanently moved to live with him he showed a totally different side of himself, such as being angered easily, over very small things. I feel as I have the best intentions to make everything right for him, but almost everything I do is not good enough for him, that he would be angry at me for it, to the point of interrupting my phone call or waking me up to point to a drop of soup on the sink, as an example. Every couple days we have gotten into big arguments about small things, even though I've tried to do whatever I could to hopefully avoid the drama.
I also thought that he was more religious and prays regularly and on time, would pay zakat after I was reminded to pay it before Eid al fitr, but he didn't turn out to do such things. He even got angry at me for waking him up during fajr.
However he started to act more easy going and praying regularly after we had gotten into an argument a week ago, and told him how I truly felt about him, and that "I can't live like this" and informed him that I want to leave and think about things before deciding on a divorce.
He currently works under false identity with the help of a friend and wants me to help him out with upcoming immigration interviews and I am afraid of saying the wrong things when it comes to his work situation,I am also afraid of lying against the law.
Overall, I am deeply regretful of agreeing to marry this man, and wish that Allah prevented us from being married. I feel that I have been deceived and do not trust my husband anymore.
My parents are also afraid for me and ask me to come home, and to not waste my time. What should I do?
Would it be more right to get a divorce at this point? Or should I let more time go by and be patient in a marriage that I and my husband are unhappy to be in?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Speak with him about the disrespect towards your Father, kindly ask him to attempt more communication with him.
Encourage him to identify a coping skill for his anger.
Continue to encourage him religiously and make duaa.
Determine if you wish to stay with him or leave. If you stay, consider counseling, and keep letting him know how you feel. If you leave, consider personal counseling and take your time to heal before considering any other marriages.
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your concerns with us. It is my understanding you had a prior marriage with a man who was bipolar and had PTSD, this marriage was unhappy and ended with you seeking out a therapist for clarification, which is a healthy and great step.
I understand you then married another man who appeared to be religious and kind in the beginning, but later revealed to be an angry man who disrespects your Father and is encouraging you to lie to authorities to obtain a visa.
To begin, Sister, I encourage you not to lie to any authorities. This can get you into legal trouble and as a Muslim, we are not supposed to deceive people. It is disappointing to hear that your husband is encouraging you to do this knowing it is illegal and a lie.
Parental Respect
You mention he refuses to speak with your Father simply because he doesn’t know his native language. Sister, this is not an excuse and it is disrespectful for him to behave this way towards your parents. To give you a personal example, I am married to an Egyptian man and I am from America. I do not speak Arabic fluently, but I always make an effort to speak with my Mother and Father in law in their native language as a show of respect.
You can consider asking your husband to show your parents more respect and attempt to speak with your Father. He doesn’t need to hold long conversations with him, but simple conversation and acknowledging him will go a long way.
Religion
You mention that he was not behaving religiously until you threatened to leave him and for a week he has been praying. Please be aware this may be a temporary situation, he may be doing this only for your benefit and if that is true it will be short-lived. It is good to keep encouraging him to pray and fulfill his duties to Allah (swt).
Inshallah you may be a good influence on him religiously and in this is a great blessing for you. Whether you leave or not, it is a good deed for you to encourage him to be more mindful of his connection to Allah (swt).
Anger
Sister, I hope you understand how ridiculous it is for a man to be upset about soup on the counter. He should have cleaned it himself, such is sunnah for the man to also do housework. It is a form of control and manipulation to make people feel so bad by waking them up over trivial things.
You mentioned anger about prayer, anger about small things such as soup and he felt it okay to interrupt your phone call. These are all red flags of his true colors and character. Please be aware that is not Islamic and it is not appropriate for a spouse to behave like this towards you.
If you choose to stay with this man, encourage him to identify a coping skill he can use when angry to calm himself down. A common one is deep breathing, he could consider doing dhikr in those moments or perhaps going for a short walk. The idea is to find something that enables him to calm himself down in a healthy manner.
Choices
You must decide if you will stay or leave. Based on your statements, it seems that you already know what you want. You mention regretful feelings over marrying him and wishing Allah (swt) prevented this marriage!
It also seems your parents realize he is not a good match for you and wants you to come home. Sister, this is a great blessing that your parents are supportive and see this man for who he truly is.
If you want to try and fix the marriage and feel love for this man, that is your choice to make. If you go this route I encourage you to seek out marriage counseling to help both of you work through these problems. You can do this online or in person.
If you do not feel love for this man and have no desire to work on these things, Sister, don’t delay the inevitable any longer. Let your parents know and begin your planning process to return home.
If you choose to leave him, I encourage you to seek out personal counseling for yourself again. It takes an emotional toll on anyone to have failed marriages. It is NOT your fault, these things happen and some people are not compatible.
It is important to take time in order to heal before you consider any new marriages. Please, do not rush another marriage and do not marry a man you don’t know and have only seen once. That is asking for trouble.
As you make this decision, do not forget to pray istikhara and make frequent duaa.
Final Thoughts
Moving forward, here is a summary of your next steps forward.
- Speak with him about the disrespect towards your Father, kindly ask him to attempt more communication with him
- Encourage him to identify a coping skill for his anger
- Continue to encourage him religiously and make duaa
- Determine if you wish to stay with him or leave. If you stay, consider counseling, and keep letting him know how you feel. If you leave, consider personal counseling and take your time to heal before considering any other marriages
I know this is hard on the heart and difficult for both of you, inshallah you will find resolution and move towards a happier life. May Allah (swt) heal your heart and help you on this journey, ameen.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/wives-rights-islam/
https://aboutislam.net/family-life/gender-society/6-hidden-abuses-of-muslim-womens-rights/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/family/what-are-the-valid-reasons-for-divorce/