I am a revert. I met my husband 4 years ago and got married a year later. We got married out of love and everything was perfect. I got pregnant immediately, but our son died soon after his birth because of terminal illness.
It was very hard on both of us, yet he wanted to move on and I couldn’t. We never once talked about it, rather we fought a lot, and he told me so many times that he would divorce me. We didn’t see each other for weeks.
It took me almost 2 years to get back on track. We didn’t see each other for about 7 months this year; he just comes for intercourse once a week and leaves the next day. I know it was a tough year for him because of his asylum here, but I stood by him the whole time patiently, and even my family supported him.
However, he didn’t care, at all. I got a new job and met this guy who knows I’m married, but we fell in love with each other since the first day and I told him everything. Now, my husband wants to talk and apologized for everything, but he still hasn’t changed.
He still doesn’t pray when it’s been almost 2 years now and still smokes marijuana. I can’t do this anymore. I want a family and kids, and he surely doesn’t want that right now. I don’t see a future with him at all anymore.
Should I get a divorce? Please advise me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I understand the passing of your baby was extremely painful and difficult for both of you to move on from.
You need to determine if you should stay married by talking about what’s really been going on all this time.
For both of you to determine what is next, I advise you to bring in a third party.
let this other man know that you need to stop speaking to him.
You need to tell him that you’re going to end things right now and focus on yourself and your current marriage so you can decide what to do next.
Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatAllah wa barakatuh,
I’m glad you decided to write in and seek some guidance. You definitely have some critical decisions to make right now in your life.
There are a couple of challenges you are facing right now:
1) You are married to a man who only visits you now for sex
2) You are having an affair with another man you met at work
Only you can decide what your next step is. The most important step is, however, removing anything from your life which would be displeasing to Allah.
Your relationship with the man at work is putting you in a situation, repeatedly, where you may be earning the displeasure of Allah.
While you decide what to do, I advise you to place some boundaries right now for yourself and let this other man know that you need to stop speaking to him on a personal level.
It’s already established you have feelings for each other but, as a married woman, you are not available to engage in this relationship.
As hard as it is for you right now, you need to tell him that you’re going to end things right now and focus on yourself and your current marriage so you can decide what to do next.
You cannot stay in the middle ground any longer.
You cannot stay in the middle ground any longer.
Exploring the Pain
While it’s very clear that your marriage is currently an intolerable place for you and your husband, it sounds like the passing of your baby was extremely painful and difficult for both of you to move on from.
Instead of speaking about your loss, grief, and pain, you both turned away from each other.
That pain and emotional isolation led you both to fighting and pulling away even further from each other.
Now, the only thread holding the marriage together is sexual intimacy. I imagine that for you, there is hardly any emotional connection at all during that time, as you’ve given your heart over to someone else.
To be fair to both you and your husband, you need to determine if you should stay married by talking about what’s really been going on all this time.
Check out this counseling video:
You must break the silence and talk about the pain, disappointment, and heavy feelings. You both lost a baby and had to deal with grief one way or another.
You’ve both escaped to handle the emptiness in your marriage. He smokes marijuana and you are seeing another man.
Both of you need some support to stop running away from your feelings, and instead turn towards them with each other and have mature, albeit difficult, conversations.
I am emphasizing this because although the rest of your question gives the impression that his character is questionable, you stated that in the beginning “everything was perfect.”
If everything was that good that you chose to marry him, then it sounds like he treated you very well and was kind and loving towards you until the incident. May Allah reunite you both with your little one in Jannatul Firdaus.
A child passing away puts a huge strain on the relationship between parents, which is why counseling is often heavily recommended for couples so that the grief doesn’t tear them apart.
All of us handle grief and loss in different ways, and it’s not uncommon to find that a husband and wife handle it completely in opposite ways.
This is where the relationship usually needs some outer support so that they can each figure out how to support one another and understand each other’s feelings.
For both of you to determine what is next, I advise you to bring in a third party. As someone who has worked with many couples on the brink of divorce, I can’t emphasize the importance of that neutral third-party space to invite healing and ease.
That doesn’t mean you’ll choose to stay together in the end, but it can help you both end things on amicable terms and with respect for each other and the experiences you’ve both had.
For this to stand a chance, however, you’ll need to understand that working on a relationship can’t compare to the “falling in love” high. A new person that hasn’t gone through the loss and struggle with you can’t compare.
They are the ideal person right now because you haven’t shared any struggles or responsibilities together. As long as you’re trying to compare with that person, there isn’t a possibility to really find out if your marriage can be turned around.
If You’re Really Done
On the other hand, if you truly do not want to be married to your husband anymore and, in front of Allah, you feel that he really isn’t the right person for you, then it’s time you step up with courage and let him know that you’d like a divorce.
You need to come clean about what has been going on, let him know you’ve been having an affair, and let him know that you no longer believe you two are meant to be married.
For support, you may want to first speak with your parents and let them know what you’ve been going through and what you would like to do moving forward.
Divorce is often a family affair, which both allows you to have a support person for yourself and someone familiar to your husband to support him while you both end your marriage.
You need to be clear that you aren’t asking him to change or do any repair work from the past or apologize. Simply, let him know you no longer want to continue the marriage and let him know the reasons why.
You should clearly tell him the reasons why, so that he understands what his options are moving forward and that you aren’t offering a second chance. You are done.
However, you must be very certain this is what you truly want before taking this route.
Again, as long as someone else who is emotionally available is around for you to turn to, your thinking will be clouded.
If that co-worker hadn’t come along and your husband apologized and wanted to repair, what would you have said then?
Making Tawbah
The final encouragement I have for you is that you ask Allah SWT for tawbah. Ask Him to forgive you for any wrong you’ve done and ask Him to guide you to what is most pleasing to Him.
Seek His aid and trust in Him. There is a purpose for the tests you’ve been going through, and now it’s your personal work to learn from those tests.
As you make your decision, seek to do it while earning the pleasure of Allah along the way.
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