In this counseling answer:
• Try your best to make this marriage content and satisfying one.
• Put more emphasis on his good qualities and allow yourself to appreciate them. Try to “love” your husband.
• Take care of yourself emotionally by spending time with people whom you love and doing things you like to do.
Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. It appears that you continued with the marriage even though you had second thoughts about this decision at the time you were still just engaged to him. You were advised to be honest with yourself about your feelings and to discuss them with your family. You were also advised not to continue with a marriage that you still had serious concerns about without addressing those concerns first and getting the negative feelings and hesitations out of your heart. It appears that the marriage took place anyway, and the same feelings you had in the past carried onto your marriage.
I am sorry to hear that; it must be very difficult to face these feelings every day. Things are now much more difficult since you got married. It is unfortunate that many young women in your position continue with the wedding even though they are not convinced that their fiancés are right for them. They feel maybe ashamed to postpone the engagement or end it completely out of fear of social stigma, pressure from family, or inconvenience of having all the wedding arrangements ready. All of these are not good reasons to keep the wedding in place because the bride-to-be still has issues with her fiancé. Ignoring these issues will not solve them! It appears that you are in this position.
Sister, now that you have entered into a serious and sacred commitment (marriage), I would suggest that you try your best to make this marriage content and satisfying one. Ask yourself, how do you feel about your marriage? What must happen to make you feel better about your marriage? What do you like about your husband? Emphasize the qualities that you like about your husband and think about ways you can feel better about your marriage.
This is a difficult step because you need to change the way you think about your marriage. It is very obvious that you have carried the same negative feelings about this marriage from the time you were engaged until now. Since you did not address those negative thoughts before marriage, you must address them now. Ask yourself honestly: what should happen in order for me to feel better about this marriage? Write them down. Then ask yourself, what do I want out of this marriage? Write them down. Then be proactive and attempt to open your heart and your soul to accept the positive aspects of your marriage.
You have mentioned that your husband is a good man. Put more emphasis on his good qualities and allow yourself to appreciate them. Try to “love” your husband. By the way, love is a verb, it is not a noun. Love is an action which requires you to give a part of your humanity to another person. Spend quality time with your husband to get to know him better. Go out with him; do pleasurable activities with him – in other words, create a history with him. The more you know him, the more you will appreciate his good qualities. You may even share a lot of same interests and dreams.
Check out this counseling video:
I understand that you feel your husband is not good-looking or that you deserve a better man. Why do you think that way? What made you think that way? Then, while keeping in mind his good qualities, ask yourself if you are willing and open to give your husband an honest chance by loving him and appreciating his good qualities. Remember, the key here is to open your heart and your soul to accept and appreciate his good qualities. Only through this action can you grow and find positive results.
If you feel overwhelmed and too negative at this point, I would suggest that you take care of yourself emotionally by spending time with people whom you love and doing things you like to do. When you feel better again, pour your energy into making this marriage one that you are happy in. Investing your time and energy in your marriage is certainly worth it. Please heed the above advice, and we hope that you will find positive results, inshAllah.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.