After getting my MA degree, I found someone who was my classmate. We had a beautiful relationship for 6 months; everything was perfect like a dream. Then he proposed to me and I was not sure, because marriage is a big thing and I only knew him for 6 months which, I think, is not enough. But he insisted on getting married. He even cried when I refused. He said he loved me deeply and finally convinced me to get married. I loved him, too. As my parents would have never allowed a love marriage, he created the story to seem like an arranged marriage.
My parents were actually looking for a groom for me, and they found him and it all happened as they wanted. Our parents met and we got married. Now, after a year of marriage, I feel I don’t want to stay with him. Soon after the marriage, we started arguing a lot. Our views don’t match and our families are totally the opposite regarding many things. Still I adjusted; I worked all day making food, cleaning the house, washing utensils, and washing bathrooms, which I have never ever done in my entire life as I was brought up in a very special way. Still I didn’t complain about it.
But after doing all these, he argues with me, even on little things. He loudly insults me in front of everyone, even in front of my parents. He is sometimes very good; he brings gifts for me, takes me out, but even if we are enjoying the outing, something always happens and his temper rises. He is very short tempered. Then he starts fighting with me and then we have to rush back to home in order to stop creating a scene in the public.
Please guide me what I should do. I really loved him, and he also loved me, but I don’t know what’s wrong with him. We are staying in Saudi Arabia now as he is working here now. But I feel I am not his wife, but just a maid who can get scolded any time. I tried speaking to him about it, and he said sorry, but as soon as he gets angry again, he forgets everything. I pray a lot to Allah, but I don’t know what Allah has for me.
One more thing: there was another guy in my college who used to like me, but never said. I came to know about it through my friends before my marriage. We became friends through Facebook and started chatting as friends. He keeps in touch with me asking about my wellbeing, etc. Before my marriage he also proposed me, but I was deeply in love with my husband at that time, so I said no to him, but he still remained a good friend of mine. Now after 1 year, he keeps talking to me when we are free and tells me that he misses me and wants to marry me. He knows what I am going through as he is my only friend. He is a well-settled guy from a good family, and he is very serious about me; he wants my approval then he will talk to his parents about our marriage.
Many times I feel why I married my husband when I could have got a good husband. Why has Allah done this with me? In my mind, it is coming again and again that I should leave my husband and marry the other guy. My heart steps back, but when he misbehaves with me, I feel I deserve a better life, a better partner; not luxurious life but a little love and care. Please help me. Should I marry the other guy or struggle my entire life with my husband?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Lower your expectations and create that love in the relationship.
• Be patient. Try to ignore little things and try to avoid big fights because nagging often results in misery.
Salam ‘Aleikum,
It is unfortunate to know that you have been facing a difficult time, but don’t all relations go through this? Don’t we get into fights with our siblings and friends? When it comes to marriage, it requires a lot of effort because two different people begin to live together. It is certainly not easy because you are not only sharing a room, but you are sharing your lives.
As you are married for only one year, I advise you to give it some time. Anger, frustration, and expectation often lead human beings to take impatient decisions. Don’t do that. Initially, when you two were in love, things were perfect because you were not living with each other. For this reason, you two were unaware of the routine, habit, and practices of the other.
For a girl, leaving her house and her life is not easy. It takes courage and time to adjust. There is no need to rush or worry. It is the time to strengthen the bond between you two. If the household chores and the immediate responsibilities disturb you, try finding a solution. Maybe you can keep a maid, or maybe you can ask your husband to help you with some of the work like dishwashing on weekends. You can distribute work. Or maybe you can divide the days throughout the week. It’s natural to live a different life now than what you had at your parents’ home, and Allah (swt) will surely reward you for your patience.
You say you struggle with financial issues. Maybe you can work – even from home.
I recommend you to lower your expectations and create that love in the relationship. If there is something that troubles you about your spouse, concentrate on any other good trait. If he gets angry, tell him to pray regularly and you do the same. Ask Allah (swt) and things will get better, in sha’ Allah.
Maybe you can help him control and reduce his anger. For this, another important key to a successful marriage is communication. Talk to him and let him know what hurts you. Make him realize that now he must learn to control his anger. You can aid this process simply by rewarding him with his favorite dish when he tries to control his tone.
There are some days when you should remain quiet. Be patient. Try to ignore little things and try to avoid big fights because nagging often results in misery. Love him and show it to him. Make him realize that he is important.
Also, remember to give your spouse some space. Let him go out with friends and follow an exercise routine because, as females, we often forget the mounting workload, office problems, and responsibilities men have.
The other friend is certainly a mistake. You are supposed to concentrate on your marriage and straighten up things rather than finding a refuge in this person. If you want peace or a break from all these fights, pray, go out with female friends, or indulge in activities as it is vital for mental progression. Break off all your connections with this person because if he was the right one, you would have chosen him when he first proposed to you. As a matter of fact, if he truly loves you, he would have certainly not stepped into the life of a married woman.
In addition, stop discussing your marital problems with an outsider. Your marriage will be successful when you end all connections and stop the thought of marrying someone else, in sha’ Allah. Put in some effort and stop resorting to the easy way of getting out of a relationship. Have faith in Allah (swt) because things will certainly get better with time.
If you need further help, or you feel you cannot solve your issues alone, I advise you to seek marriage counseling with your husband or even alone.
May Allah (swt) bless you,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more: