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My Wife’s Good, But I Don’t Love Her

26 February, 2017
Q Salamu `Alaykum. I’ve been engaged for one year and married for a year and half. I have a son and my wife is a good religious woman. The problem is that I have never been attracted to her since we met. She was not my type. I really did not know how to face the problem from the beginning and did not tell her when I got the chance. I also had mixed advice from everybody in the family so I went along with the marriage. The two and half years have been miserable. We did not have a happy engagement, because I could not treat her right emotionally as I hadn’t wanted her. Then after marriage, our sexual life has been a disaster. We had sex few times only, and I had to think of other women when I’m with her. I masturbate to release the tension in me. We don’t have any other complaints about each other, but because of the lack of sex, I’m always sexually frustrated and probably she is, too. This causes me to get mad over anything. I also get mad every time I think of the embarrassment this marriage has caused me in front of my family and her family. I finally told her and everybody that I want a divorce because I can’t take it anymore. But now, I don’t know if deciding to break the marriage was a good idea. I feel guilty because of what I did to her and what I’m going to do to my son. Sometimes, I think it is just my imagination and that it will be the same with other women if I want to marry again. Can you please advise me, was my decision right?

Answer

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum Salam,

I guess it is about time to start doing what you feel is right, not what people think is right for you. Asking for advice is a good thing; however, sometimes it is the worst thing you can do to yourself.

When you take an advice, you should think it over and always listen to yourself. Be the one who makes the decision because you are the one who is going to enjoy or suffer. Everyone else will go home and you will be left alone with your life living the consequences good or bad.

What are you waiting for to put an end to this miserable life? If you had two and a half miserable years, and your engagement was not happy, so what are you waiting for?!

What you are doing is exactly what most people do when they choose willingly to assassinate their lives and to commit suicide emotionally. Furthermore, they end up either betraying their partners or passing away with severe depression. Why are we afraid of facing the reality, and would rather please everybody around us but ourselves!

I am pretty sure your wife’s life is as miserable as yours, and let me assure you that your kids will go through the same thing and they will have a distorted view about marriage.

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The question that you need to find an answer for is: why are you doing this to yourself and your inner family?

Live the Life You Deserve

Putting an end to your miserable life doesn’t mean to get a divorce. Simply, it means to start having an amazing one. It is to start thinking that you deserve to live a wonderful life. I think the problem is that people think that this is all what they deserve, therefore, they don’t bother. So, it has to start in your mind first that you deserve a better life, and then you will plan accordingly.

If not Fixable, Leave It

Start with this end in mind to work hard and hard and harder to fix the relationship, but if you will come to the point where you are certain that it is not fixable, you will have to decide what you are going to do with your life and how to live it as you deserve it.

Divorce is painful; you will get hurt, and you will suffer; negative feelings will be all around you. But sometimes, this is better than to live just waiting for death.

If there is anything you can do to fix your marriage to live together in happiness and peace, please do. Don’t get divorce simply because you want to quit, thinking that quitting is the solution. If you have something that needs to be changed, change it now in this relationship, because changing the relationship is not going to change you.

If not, so please do not live waiting to die. This is not why God (swt) put us on earth for.

Salam,

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About Mohamed Wadeed Gouda
Mohamed Wadeed Gouda obtained his Masters in Mental Health Counseling and Psychotherapy from Rhode Island College, U.S. He obtained his Masters in Islamic Philosophy from Cairo University, Bachelor of Arts in Arabic Language and Islamic Studies from Cairo University. He is an associate member of the American Counseling Association, and the American Psychological Association.