I think he has OCD because we have two cars at home, none of them are in use. They are like showpieces. My brother bought the car for me so that traveling could be easier but still I am not allowed to use my personal car.
He was born after the demise of his one brother so he is over-pampered. He lost his job because of his lazy attitude. He works from home, my brother gives him a job but he is not serious when it comes to working. In short, he spends his time in the room for more than 17 hours without doing anything.
My father-in-law does all the grocery. He is also aging so he also needs rest. I share a very good bond with my father-in-law. I strain my nerve to serve the whole family emotionally, financially, and physically.
Taking pressure makes me very aggressive. I showed my anger on my kids and my husband too. There is no doubt my husband loves me as he never shows his anger over me. He tries to maintain his calm with my aggressive attitude.
My mood swings are like a rollercoaster sometimes, I got impulsive and the next moment I get so sorry for him. I love him too, I just want him to earn money no matter how low his earnings are...I just want him to get busy not to rely on my brother's help.
I also went to the psychiatrist, she recommended some medicine which he is using but no progress. I know Allah has put me to the test.
Kindly help me how to be strong emotionally and if you can share some dua. My husband is a gem person, but his habits are affecting the whole house.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
There are a couple of things you could focus on in particular – why he may be feeling this way, and how you are responding to the situation.
He might suffer from depression.
Encourage him gently, do something together.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa baraktuh,
I understand that your husband’s behavior makes you feel frustrated, and this leads you to have some mood swings in response.
In this case, there are a couple of things you could focus on in particular – why he may be feeling this way, and how you are responding to the situation. The former you may feel you have little control over, but in fact, there are things you can do to take some control over his behavior.
You might like to begin by addressing his behavior, and this can support you in changing your own behavior. Firstly, think about why he is behaving this way. Was he always like this? Or has something happened in recent or past times to cause it? Could it be a result of depression?
Often spending time cooped up and away from the world and interacting with other people can cause such behavior. He may not have said anything that indicates he is, or may not even admit that he feels depressed due to the stigma around it that makes people feel weakened. However, you know him and are able to observe his behaviors, so could make some conclusions on this yourself.
Perhaps he has tried finding work and not been able to secure anything and this has dented his self-esteem? Perhaps he doesn’t feel good enough? Perhaps he already feels bad enough that he is not supporting the family in the way he feels he should?
If you feel comfortable too, you could ask him why he is keeping himself away from the world for so much of the day.
You may not feel comfortable to, and perhaps he isn’t depressed and has just gotten stuck into a routine and has no motivation to change.
Try Encouraging Him
This, unfortunately, impacts your own mental health too. With this in mind, you can do something to actively change the situation for you both by encouraging him to come out.
Encourage him, perhaps more gently at first to leave the house and come out with you, to do something together. If there is something he enjoys doing, or once enjoyed doing in the past but hasn’t for some time, then organize to do this together.
It may be that at first, this is something you do in the house together, whether it’s cooking a special meal, or watching a movie together, before working towards something a bit more active such as going out for a walk.
Get other people involved such that he feels more obliged to such as getting someone to take care of your children if you have any whilst you spend time alone together. Even if he doesn’t comply, to begin with, don’t waste the opportunity, and you take advantage of the time for self-care for yourself. Go out, spend time with your friends and do things that you enjoy. This kind of thing will help you with the depression you are feeling.
In sha Allah, with continued encouragement, he will eventually engage more with you and get more motivated. As the motivation increases, in sha Allah, his attitude towards work will change too.
If Gentle Approach Fails…
If, however, things don’t change with this softer approach, then you may have to take a different approach. You know his strengths, so perhaps you can initiate the move to find him work that is suitable for him that you think he will be motivated to do.
Otherwise, if these more gentle approaches fail to get him moving, you might directly address him about it. Perhaps he is not aware of how you feel even. Just talk to him and let him know the impact of his behavior on his loved ones, inshallah it will be enough to change his attitude. Ask him why he’s behaving this way if he’s feeling depressed?
Tell him that you will happily support him in getting additional support to deal with it, and that it’s ok. Tell him that his attitude towards life is not making you happy and causes you so much distress.
Let him know that you love him, but that it needs to change for the sake of you both and that you will support him in whatever way possible to get him out of this rut.
Let him know it’s not fair that his attitude affects you too and that he has to do something about it. It may be that you even say that you can’t work anymore because of the strain it causes you, so he really must step up for the family. It may be that you need to take this more harsh approach to motivate him.
Following this, you can encourage him with the things above again, to get out and do something more casual together. You may not feel comfortable saying all of these things to him, but if he is not responding to anything else and his attitude is not changing, it may be necessary for you to make such a move for him to start taking things seriously.
May Allah make things easier for you and your family. May your words soothe your husband and change his attitude. May Allah reward your patience and see you through these troubles and may He grant you a happy marriage in both this life and the next.
Amen,
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