Letting Go of the Grudges We Hold in Marriage | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > Marital Obstacles > Letting Go of the Grudges We Hold in Marriage

Letting Go of the Grudges We Hold in Marriage

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Jun 11, 2019

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom. My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years, Alhamdulillah. It's been rough, but not always bad. We started talking 6 years ago and had an on-and-off relationship. I think we were both carrying a lot of baggage from our previous relationships. I was married before to an abusive person. I believe it scarred me and I’ve somehow become verbally abusive in my other relationships since then. My husband didn’t want to marry me earlier because he said I was abusive.

Anyway, Alhamdulillah we both turned to Allah (swt) and tried to work on our issues. We finally got married after almost 5 years. My husband says I am disrespectful and lack intimacy. He seems very angry and full of hatred to me sometimes. I also have had other, non-marital relationships previously which he keeps bringing up, although I’ve changed my life around. I think I have some anger towards him due to the lack of commitment and effort to get us married and because of his anger towards me. He was still a virgin when we got married; however, he did have a girlfriend before in his teens. I found pics of him and his ex-girlfriend (kissing and hugging) and we had a huge fight about it. This was more than a year ago.

We had a pretty emotional Ramadan; it was very distracting and felt very bad. On top of that, I recently found those pics again with his ex-girlfriend; he hasn’t got rid of them. He says he thought he lost them. Now he says it belongs to his mom and she wants to keep them as she liked his ex a lot. He brings up divorce whenever he gets angry. I love him, but I am wondering if divorce is meant for us? Any advice would be appreciated. JazakAllahu Khair.

Counselor

Answer


Letting Go of the Grudges We Hold in Marriage

In this counseling answer:

• The next steps you two should take are researching conflict resolution and marital resentment skills online and engaging with those exercises.

• In addition, seeking professional marital support in your area. A third party is always helpful in helping both of you to see the situation more clearly before making any decision.

• Divorce should be a resort only after sincere efforts have been made to improve your relationship.”


As-Salaam ‘Alaikum sister,

It sounds like both of you have growing grudges – just like all human beings. It is important for each of you to be humble to this fact and recognize that no one is or ever will be perfect. In the Qur’an, Allah states that, if He wanted, He could have replaced humanity with angels ( Qur’an 43:60). Why? Because angels are unconditionally obedient and do not have free will to choose (good or evil). Thus, there is wisdom in human shortcomings. It keeps us humble, turns us back to God, and helps us grow and learn. If we are sincere, the Divine will replace our wrongful acts with rewards as if we did good (Qur’an, 25:70).

Secondly, it is not considered a good character for you or your husband to be abusive in any way, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical. Your husband has no right to keep bringing up your past as a way to diminish your honor. You have corrected your ways and are now married to him.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Similarly, it is harmful to you to be angry with him for a relationship he had in his teens. However, there is no reason for him or his mother to keep those pictures. It is disrespectful to you and causes resentment if he and his mom hold on to this past prospect and feel like she was better.

Since your husband feels like you are disrespectful to him, I encourage you to seek further understanding. Why does he feel that way? Then collaborate to find solutions. Perhaps, both of you have resentment built up towards each other because of your past choices before and during your marriage. However, if we do not learn to let go and pardon, why would we expect this of God for us when we cannot do it for our own spouses? God shows more mercy to those that have mercy!


Check out this counseling video:


During Ramadan, many people struggle with their egos and adjusting to the withdrawals of the fast; thus, I would be patient and not use the experiences you described in Ramadan as a deciding factor.

The next steps you two should take are researching conflict resolution and marital resentment skills online and engaging with those exercises. In addition, seeking professional marital support in your area. A third party is always helpful in helping both of you to see the situation more clearly before making any decision. Divorce should be a resort only after sincere efforts have been made to improve your relationship.

God bless you both!

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

10 Benefits of Asking God’s Forgiveness

Will Allah Forgive My Abuser If I Don’t Forgive Them?

Your Guide to Allah’s Mercy and Forgiveness




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

Add Comment


find out more!