In this counseling answer:
• The next steps you two should take are researching conflict resolution and marital resentment skills online and engaging with those exercises.
• In addition, seeking professional marital support in your area. A third party is always helpful in helping both of you to see the situation more clearly before making any decision.
• Divorce should be a resort only after sincere efforts have been made to improve your relationship.”
As-Salaam ‘Alaikum sister,
It sounds like both of you have growing grudges – just like all human beings. It is important for each of you to be humble to this fact and recognize that no one is or ever will be perfect. In the Qur’an, Allah states that, if He wanted, He could have replaced humanity with angels ( Qur’an 43:60). Why? Because angels are unconditionally obedient and do not have free will to choose (good or evil). Thus, there is wisdom in human shortcomings. It keeps us humble, turns us back to God, and helps us grow and learn. If we are sincere, the Divine will replace our wrongful acts with rewards as if we did good (Qur’an, 25:70).
Secondly, it is not considered a good character for you or your husband to be abusive in any way, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical. Your husband has no right to keep bringing up your past as a way to diminish your honor. You have corrected your ways and are now married to him.
Similarly, it is harmful to you to be angry with him for a relationship he had in his teens. However, there is no reason for him or his mother to keep those pictures. It is disrespectful to you and causes resentment if he and his mom hold on to this past prospect and feel like she was better.
Since your husband feels like you are disrespectful to him, I encourage you to seek further understanding. Why does he feel that way? Then collaborate to find solutions. Perhaps, both of you have resentment built up towards each other because of your past choices before and during your marriage. However, if we do not learn to let go and pardon, why would we expect this of God for us when we cannot do it for our own spouses? God shows more mercy to those that have mercy!
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During Ramadan, many people struggle with their egos and adjusting to the withdrawals of the fast; thus, I would be patient and not use the experiences you described in Ramadan as a deciding factor.
The next steps you two should take are researching conflict resolution and marital resentment skills online and engaging with those exercises. In addition, seeking professional marital support in your area. A third party is always helpful in helping both of you to see the situation more clearly before making any decision. Divorce should be a resort only after sincere efforts have been made to improve your relationship.
God bless you both!
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