As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Brother,
Based on your sharing, it seems you have been feeling that your relationship “failed” since the first year. Unfortunately, your decision of getting married was based on your mother and your wife’s relationship, and you neglected your own needs during this process. Yes, you wanted to please your mother; however, you were the one who is married to this sister, not your mother. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires compatibility, time investment, and work. It should not be used as a type of currency or favor exchange.
Since the beginning of the relationship, the main reason you chose this woman was her loving acts towards your mother, yet your educational plan did not include living with your wife, and now you are considering a job abroad without her.
How can you work things out without getting really involved with your wife? You cannot be with someone you have no real connection to, brother. You are only oppressing yourself and the sister. The only person who is currently satisfied is your mother, and she is not even the one in the marriage. Please reflect on this. Furthermore, you cannot keep hiding your wife from the public eye forever. Again, this is oppressive and unjust towards both of you.
From my point of view, it seems you really want to get a divorce, and the only reason why you haven’t is your fear of Allah (swt). The question you need to ask yourself is, if you fear Allah (swt), then how can you continue living a lie and oppressing yourself and Nila? You need to reflect on your future decisions and not to remain married simply out of guilt. What do you think would please Allah (swt) the most? Ultimately, you can be sincere and honest with yourself now and try to fix a mistake you made years ago, or you can spend the rest of your life hiding and being dishonest about your feelings.
Allah (swt) says in the Quran multiple times that He loves the Muhsineen. Ihsaan in Arabic is a derivative of the verb “ahsana,” which means doing things better. Sometimes, to get a divorce is better act than living in oppression. Yes, you will hurt your wife, but a life of hurt for both is worse than a small period of time.
Many people go through the same situation; they marry to meet their parents’ wishes without considering their own desires and expectations which will very likely end in an unhappy relationship or a divorce. Despite the fact that she is older, which isn’t Islamically wrong, the fact that you don’t have compatibility or attraction at all toward her is an issue that will not go away. Your experience as a husband and the inability to perform your duties are strong signals that your attempts to fix the situation aren’t working.
Divorce is unappreciated, but also legitimate upon genuine reason, and failure to fulfill the objectives and purposes for which marriage was initiated, utter incompatibility between the partners is one of them.
All your concerns regarding her living situation and her biological clock show that you are having mercy on her, and I don’t think Allah (swt) “will catch you” because of a divorce due to a marriage that was unlikely to succeed. If you decide to end your marriage, be aware that it will bring consequences and won’t be easy on anyone, but in the long run, both of you will move on and find new lives, in sha’ Allah. Postponing the divorce, even if it feels right to you now, will cause more damage. If you are being honest and genuine with your reasons, Allah (swt) knows what you have in your heart, so trust in it and act according to what is best for your life here and the hereafter.
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