The only problem is that he never says I love you. In the beginning, when I was engaged to him, I thought that was normal because we didn’t know each other very well and we lived in different countries. I did not want to put pressure on him.
I used to say to him often "I love you", but he would never say to me the same thing. He used to answer me just with an “ok, fine, Alhamdulilah”. I was patient and waited until we got married, but this manner continued.
I eventually have began to say it to him less and less because this thing was hurting me every day more and more. He used to write to me an SMS saying "I love you" after a big discussion I had with him before I went back to my country for some weeks. I was really upset. All this time, I tried to let him know that I wanted to hear him saying that, but he always finds a way not to talk about it.
I got pregnant and we learned that we will be parents of a baby girl. We were so happy and we were discussing about names. He said the name of a girl that he used to like before he was engaged with me and he didn’t know that I was informed about this.
I was so sad and told him lots of things and about not telling me I love you. He apologized many times, but this thing made me feel very bad.
I was thinking that maybe this was the reason. After that I have never said to him I love you again. He is not that kind of person who does not say I love you because he does this with everyone else. I know he loves me, I can feel that.
Now our daughter is born and we both are so happy, but I can’t stop thinking about this. It makes me feel so bad and sad and I don’t know what to do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
In a great relationship, couples talk freely, openly, and feel safe sharing their most private thoughts
But saying “I love you”, is not the only means of displaying the love we have for our loved ones. There is a famous saying, “actions speak louder than words”.
For your marriage to be successful, you must learn to communicate openly with your husband.
Proper communication begins with respect towards your spouse and his feelings.
You should openly discuss your thoughts and the reasons behind them.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with your question. I understand the sadness you must be feeling.
However, in order to find the solution to any problem, proper communication should be used.
Communicate your feelings openly
For your marriage to be successful, you must learn to communicate openly with your husband.
However, this does not mean that you start an argument or a big discussion where the end result is negative.
In a great relationship, couples talk freely, openly, and feel safe sharing their most private thoughts, without the fear of receiving any negative emotions from their spouse.
After talking, both husband and wife should feel good about the conversation and feel like their concerns have been considered and addressed.
The lack of proper communication distances many couples who would otherwise thrive.
Respect
Proper communication begins with respect towards your spouse and his feelings. Considering such an aspect of the past is a delicate matter.
Therefore, ask him and open your thoughts to him in a kind and a decent manner.
You also mentioned that he thought you did not know about the girl he had liked before meeting you, and once he learned, he apologized.
Please think from his perspective. His apologies also stem from his love to you.
Check out this counseling video:
Suspicion
But, first and foremost, you need to avoid any suspicion. Negative assumptions are the root of all arguments. You should openly discuss your thoughts and the reasons behind them.
You should mention your love for him and the concern you have for him. Your conversation and discussion should not make him feel defensive.
Your husband’s past interest, which was more than a few years ago, is not significant at this point in life.
It is quite possible that he forgotten it all and is genuinely living a loyal and happy life with you.
Perhaps he considered that chapter of his closed once you two were engaged. However, your negative assumptions will make things worse.
Be positive rather than negative in your approach to matters and things will be solved for the better rather than for the worst.
There are other means to indicate love
Dear sister, saying “I love you”, is not the only means of displaying the love we have for our loved ones. There is a famous saying, “actions speak louder than words”.
Not saying “I love you” is definitely not indicative of the fact that your husband does not love you.
Perhaps, he feels that his behavior, his attitude towards you, should mean more to you than merely saying “I love you”.
Often, many people stop at the phrase indicating love and hardly do their actions to supplement their verbal emotion.
Therefore, pay attention to the simple acts of kindness that he does for you.
You mentioned yourself that you can feel he loves you. So, why is it that the absence of one simple sentence emotionally hurts you? Cherish that feeling he has for you and not let the absence of a simple sentence be more powerful than the genuine love he has for you.
In the Quran, Allah (swt) says,
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)
Therefore, always pay heed to the verse Allah (swt) released in the Quran. He (swt) placed affection and mercy between couples; however, it is dependent on the couples to shower affection and mercy on each other for a successful marriage, rather than contempt and anger.
Forget the past and move on
Firstly, you must not let your past or your spouse’s past interfere with your present, especially now that you are starting a family.
The birth of your baby daughter marks a very special milestone in the lives of you and your husband.
It has brought on a new role to your lives of being a mother and a father. Alongside being a wife and a husband, you two are now parents.
Merely wanting to name his daughter the same name as the woman he had been only interested in does not signify much.
Perhaps, the name is a good/frequent name. Perhaps, there is no connection between his desires to name his daughter with the same name as the other woman.
Dear sister, you mentioned that he only “liked” this girl. He did not take the matter further.
Therefore, quite obviously, he favored you over the previous woman he had met.
Conclusion
Before marriage, while seeking a life partners, individuals sometimes feel interested in potential suitors, meet and talk, and then move on if there is no compatibility or other reasons.
Merely being interested in someone before marriage does not indicate that he is an unfaithful husband.
Perhaps, after he met you and found the ideal qualities he was seeking in you, he decided to marry you.
Therefore sister, approach the matter very carefully. Marriage is a blessing. Do not let trivial negative assumptions deprive you of a blessing others yearn. Especially because, as you mentioned, you two have been very happysince you got married.
Your husband has been able to satisfy your every desire as he has everything you had ever wanted. Mashallah, this is a real blessing from Allah (swt).
I hope my answer will benefit your relationship and remove the potential sources of unhappiness you felt towards your husband, who you love so dearly. I wish you all the best.
Salam,
***
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