Answer
Answer:
As-Salam ‘Alaykum Sister,
I can see you feel very lonely and sad that you cannot make communication with your husband on a much deeper level emotionally and spiritually as well as in the form of intimacy.
Before I continue my response, I want to stress the importance of seeing a counselor for your depression. This in and of itself might even result in the atmosphere at home becoming more cheerful overall, even if you do not resolve all of your issues with your husband.
I am wondering if you have asked your husband to talk to you and tell you what might be wrong. Have you asked him how he feels and/or what he wants? Often, the bedroom mirrors the level of connection and communication in the marriage.
It doesn’t really seem like there is very much. With that said, there is a few reason why this might be the case. Of course, since I do not know you and your husband well enough, I cannot know any more about how you both interact with each other than what you share here.
First, let’s look at a few things that might possibly be issued. If you are very busy with children and a career, and he is also very busy with a career that leaves little time for both of you to simply talk, or watch a nice program, or pray together, this can cause serious problems in the marriage.
If you do not have an environment where you can nurture the relationship outside the bedroom, there might be some barriers to having a relationship inside the bedroom.
A situation may also be that both of you experience extreme stress. This can affect the way you communicate with each other. Also, there may be simple exhaustion.
Another possibility is that your husband might be depressed and “tuning” out. One thing we know is that many men do “tune out” and retreat when they are working through inner issues and/or are feeling overwhelmed. Often, men go into their “hide out” when they are planning as well.
Watching television and playing video games may also be his way of regenerating if he is under a lot of pressure at work.
Now, this really isn’t the healthiest way to deal with life’s stressors. It is not harmful, and may even be helpful to do this a little bit, but if it is excessive, a person can become isolated and begin to feel alone, even if he is not.
Your husband may not know how to open up and talk about what is in his mind. Yet, if this is the case, we know that it would likely help him, you and your relationship if he had those communication tools.
If you do not suspect that your husband is seeing other people outside the marriage, and you do not suspect that your marriage is in danger, then I recommend that you start seeing a marriage counselor and see if your husband will willing to go as well.
If he is not willing to go, then you should go yourself and talk about your concerns while also exploring possible approaches that you can use to open the door of communication with your husband.
One approach that I recommend you begin using is not to start asking for more communication just yet (this might make him pull away even further). But rather, refrain from seeking attention from him (for a little while) and focus more on doing some of the little things that you know he appreciates.
Think of things that you used to do when you were first married that made him smile. Try greeting him at the door when he gets home with a kiss and his favorite snack. Look for little favors that you can do for him. Leave little notes in that say “I love you”; “I’m thinking of you”, “Have a wonderful day”, etc… in a place where you know he will find it during his work day. Just act like you are not really doing anything and see what happens.
With all of that said, keep in mind marriages “wax and wane” like the moon. The secret is to keep enough connection with each other, but also provide enough space.
Throughout the process of a marriage, there will be times for closeness and times to be more separate as each partner grows on an individual level just as much as both partners grow together and “into each other” over time.
It is a dance, and it has a kind of rhythm. If you can learn to tolerate the times of separation and manage those times well, there is a strong probability that your time of coming together will be enjoyable. So, do give him his space and explore with a therapist how you can feel balanced during the times when he is pulling away.
We must also recognize that some of your depression might not just be attributed to your husband’s lack of attention toward you, but also the fact that you have been at home for many years, and although he has a place to experience himself as a person outside of the home, you do not. Finding a mother’s group or other women’s groups to attend would likely help you in many ways.
Look for ways to integrate into the community. This might include volunteering for a charity group, joining the women’s group at your local Islamic Center or mosque, or getting involved in projects at your children’s school.
This will help you develop a sense that you are making a contribution to your community and provide a way to have more meaning and purpose.
Possibly, even the education that you are getting will also position you so that you can make a few friends.
I pray that this response is helpful to you. Remember to use your own self-nurturing skills, get enough rest and exercise, and see what little things you can do for your hubby that will bring happiness into his life. Shifting the focus in this way may help your depression as well.
Salam,
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