Right after marriage, I went to live abroad with my husband. In the initial 3-4 months my husband was very caring and loving, but with time he started becoming distant to the point where he stopped giving me my conjugal rights.
I complained about this several times to him but he paid no heed. It got to the point where his neglectful attitude started affecting my mental and physical health. He started lying about everything and started to hide small things from me as well.
I always kept things hidden from my family, but he used to force me to tell them that we have issues in our marriage so that the elders can resolve them. After about a year when I came back to my home country he told me that he has hatred for me in his heart.
When he told me this, I couldn't bear it any longer and told my parents everything. My parents advised me to talk to his parents about my issue. I talked to his parents and all hell broke after that.
He accused me of back-stabbing him and forbade the marriage bed instantly. He didn't say it specifically, but he used to go sleep in his brother's room even after I used to call him back.
After a month, he left me in my home country and went back abroad. He asked for 1.5 months' time to think.
After going back he blocked me and my family from all avenues of communication. I found out as well that he cannot give me children either. My in-laws are not at all concerned about anything. He is not concerned about me at all.
My parents have decided to end my marriage. I do not know what to do and how to feel since I gave that person everything and even then I was not good enough for him. Since he forbade the marriage bed and then went abroad, does this come under khula’?
In this counseling answer:
The duty of a husband is to treat his wife with kindness and all the other women in his life that he is responsible for.
My dear, you can give a man like that the whole world and he’ll still be unsatisfied.The problem has nothing to do with you. This problem is within him.
I can only assure you that Islam is a beautiful religion and that Allah would not prevent you from leaving a marriage you need to get out of.
You need to be fair to yourself, hold your chin high, and know that his behavior isn’t your fault.
Sister, Take your time to heal and move forward with your life.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through such a year. I ask Allah to strengthen your iman and grant you resources to support you in moving forward.
First off, I’d like to express that I’m not a shaykha so I cannot answer your last question about khula’ in specifics. I can only assure you that Islam is a beautiful religion and that Allah would not prevent you from leaving a marriage you need to get out of. A local Islamic authority should be able to advise you in this regard.
You have expressed that you feel like you gave him everything and even then it wasn’t good enough for him. My dear, you can give a man like that the whole world and he’ll still be unsatisfied.
The problem has nothing to do with you. This problem is within him. He has some major emotional issues that have been neglected and are now painstakingly obvious.
If he was any kind of gentlemen, he would never treat you and your family in the manner he has chosen.
It is one thing to determine, after marriage, that you aren’t a right fit with your spouse and look for a kind way to end a relationship with kindness. However, it’s something entirely different to be mistreated.
And not have your rights fulfilled in any way including the right for you and your family to know what to do moving forward. You have every right to be hurt, offended, angry or any other emotion. I’m just not going to allow you keep feeling somehow responsible. 🙂
I’ve worked with so many women in similar shoes as your own who have thought that their husband’s poor choices were because of them. This kind of thinking isn’t being fair to yourself because it ignores all the good you invested and ignores all the poor choices he has made repeatedly.
Check out this counseling video:
Be Fair to yourself
You need to be fair to yourself, hold your chin high, and know that his behavior isn’t your fault. If you have anything at all you feel responsible for taking it to Allah. Talk to Allah about it and ask Him for forgiveness.
Otherwise, I want you to hold on to your value, all the goodness inside of you. Know that you didn’t give everything away at all. You gave a part of your heart and life to someone for a period of time, but it’s not all of you. No one can ever take or own all of you.
It is fair to say that you may still be in a state of shock. “How could he do something like this to me when I was so good to him?” That’s shock speaking. Shock can’t make sense of his behavior. And the only other question it asks in a situation like this is usually “why am I not enough?” But it’s the wrong question to be asking and one that will renew pain over and over again.
Instead, I encourage you to ask questions like:
“What were the red flags I can now look back and notice telling me something was off in him?”
“Also what kind of emotional issues could he be struggling with that led him to behave in such a manner?”
“What kind of harm would I continue to endure if I tried to stay or go back with him?”
“How much of myself did I already compromise to try to make things work?”
These questions are fairer and will give you better answers. That will empower you to know what to do next in your life.
“The most complete of the believers in faith is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your women.” (Tirmidhi)
The duty of a husband is to treat his wife with kindness. And all the other women in his life that he is responsible for. A husband treating his wife well isn’t conditional on how much she does for him.
The character of a man of God is one who strives to improve his character. Admits his faults when he is wrong, rights his wrongs. And, again, treats his wife and family with the best he has to offer.
While every human being is imperfect and will fall short in some category. Women need to know that Islam seeks to build a man who takes very seriously his character development as well as rights and well-being of anyone he is responsible for.
Doubt and guilt
When you start to doubt yourself and wonder things like “could I have done more?” or “was I mistaken for speaking to his parents”. Or “should I try one more time to work things out and beg him to give me another chance”, I want you to hold onto this hadith.
I say this because I know that for many women the idea of being divorced can weigh heavily on them. Doubt creeps and the fear of having to change their life is overwhelming. And so they start blaming themselves again and think that they can fix things if they try hard enough.
So, in case this happens, please re-read this hadith.
I want you to ask yourself, “Was the best this man had to offer what I’m willing to accept for the rest of my life?”
I also mention this because there is always a sheer possibility that he or his family comes knocking again asking for another chance. It sounds like he has really sought to end the marriage, but just in case, keep asking yourself that same questions.
“Was the best this man had to offer what I’m willing to accept for the rest of my life?”
I’m relieved that you have your parent’s support to leave whereas as other women are thrown back to a man, no matter his treatment of their daughter, and told to figure out how to make him happy.
Let your parents help you with your shock, grief, anger, hurt, and fear of the process of change if it is there.
While this experience has been unfortunate, I pray that in all of this, you are able to come closer to Allah. Trust that, even when you can’t see it, there is a reason for this test you are passing through. Hang in there.
Sister, Take your time to heal and move forward with your life.
“Say, “Never will we be struck except by what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector.” And upon Allah let the believers rely.” (Quran 9:51)
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