One day after our wedding, I was chatting with my husband about my friends. He seems nonchalant at first but asked to see my phone the day after.
I let him go through it. When he found out that I had both male and female friends, he started fighting with me and even accused me of having had sexual relations before marriage. Allah is my witness that these were only friendships, nothing more and nothing inappropriate.
After this incident, he kept telling me over and over again that I wasn’t a virgin when I married him. He wouldn’t listen to anything I say, even when I swore on the Quran out of desperation to prove it to him. He even threatened to tell my parents.
I found out that he did tell my father that I don’t have a good character. My dad didn’t ask me nor did he tell my mother about this.
He then told me that I wasn’t allowed to socialize with my friends, also I couldn’t use social media. He didn’t allow me to talk to my relatives. In addition, he told me that I cannot continue my studies because he ‘cannot trust me’.
I still had feelings for him and tried to please him, so I agreed to all of this. Yet, he kept fighting with me and telling me that I have no character.
He and his mother used to nag me for not getting pregnant in the first two months of our marriage. A month later, I conceived my son but they didn’t show any happiness. My pregnancy was a nightmare; he was fighting with me all the time.
I got depression during this time. My blood pressure used to be very high during the last trimester because of how my husband treated me.
I went to my mother’s place before my delivery. At this time, he installed some spy apps on my phone (he is an IT specialist). These apps were recording every conversation I’ve had with my family about him and his family.
He was then fighting with me because of this, and wouldn’t let it go even when I apologized. He would keep telling me to just give birth and we will see what happens after.
He didn’t show any sympathy towards me during my labor, or even after having our baby. I had done all I could to get some of his attention and care to no avail. I often ask Allah what I have done to deserve such an unloving husband and unhappy marriage.
My husband currently lives in Europe. He works there, and comes to visit here every 4-5 months. My visa application has been accepted but he doesn’t show any willingness to take me and his child along with him. I feel very bad for my son and I.
I’m seeing a psychologist since my emergency C-section. I had postpartum depression, along with depression throughout my pregnancy. I am seeking a second opinion on what I should do. I’d like to resume my studies even though my husband is opposing it. I cannot waste my time anymore as my parents are bearing all my and my child’s expenses. Please guide me!
In this counseling answer:
Please rethink your decisions about giving up everything such as school and your family just to please somebody who most likely will not change in the future. In fact, it may get worse.
If you have not talked to your psychologist regarding your relationship with your husband, please do.
Living at your mom’s seems to be the best and safest place for you and your child at this point.
As Allah hates divorce, I would kindly suggest that you try to save your marriage first.
As salamu alaikum,
Sister, I am sorry to hear about all of the problems you have with your husband. It must be very difficult for you emotionally and mentally to try to deal with all of this, care for your child and home, and maintain your sense of self.
It is very unfortunate that you did not really know him when you married him. He seems very cruel, insecure, manipulative, and abusive. You trusted him and discussed your friend’s circle which included males and he became untrusting and hostile towards you.
Getting to Know Someone
Sister, you stated that you had an arranged marriage. Sometimes these marriages work out very nicely, and sometimes they do not. Usually it is best to know a person before you decide to marry them. There are many halal ways to get to know someone.
Insha’Allah when we contemplate marriage, we get to know the person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with to see if we are compatible.
We are to see if they have a good character and treat others with kindness and mercy. We are to see that they are good Muslims and inquire about them from within the community.
In addition to you spending time with your husband and his family prior to marriage, your family was to inquire about him as well. Sister, there is nothing wrong with spending time in halal ways with one’s future husband and their family to get to know them.
Had you seen these red flags you are seeing now, you may not have married him. As this is in the past and we are dealing with a current situation, I kindly ask you to think about what you would like to do moving forward.
Reality of Treatment
You sound like a very pious and wonderful young lady, and you deserve a husband who will treat you with respect, kindness, love, and mercy.
Your husband has not shown any of those qualities towards you. In fact, he is shown just the opposite. He appears to be emotionally abusive, neglectful of your needs, he lacks compassion, is unforgiving, paranoid, and controlling.
He accuses you of things that you have not done, and yet somehow you feel that you must give up everything to please him.
I’m wondering why this is, Sister. What is so wonderful, special and great about him that you would give up everything including your family, just to please him?
It’s only been a year and a half since you been married, you don’t even really know him. It appears your marriage has been volatile from the beginning preventing you and him from bonding.
Insha’Allah Sister please rethink your decisions about giving up everything such as school and your family just to please somebody who most likely will not change in the future. In fact, it may get worse.
He is not leading you as a loving Islamic husband. He’s leading you in a way that is possessive, jealous, insecure, and fearful.
Men who usually carry on in this manner are insecure about themselves. If he is unwilling to go for counseling to address his issues, it may turn into physical abuse.
You need to look deep inside Sister, and see what it is that you truly want for yourself and your child.
Do you want to live a life like this? Or do you want to live in a home where there’s peace, kindness, love? It’s completely up to you.
As you are seeing a psychologist for postpartum depression, I’m wondering if this is helping you in your decision and choices regarding your relationship with your husband.
Talking with Psychologist
If you have not talked to your psychologist regarding your relationship with your husband, please do. Therapy can surround one of the main issues which may be causing your depression: your husband.
Please accept my apology if I am wrong, may Allah forgive me. The way he has been treating you based on what you have written, it appears that he is causing you great distress.
Please do confide in the psychologist you are seeing to help you resolve this issue with your husband.
If the psychologist cannot help you, seek out another counselor. If you are trying to save your marriage, you may ask your husband if he was willing to attend marriage counseling with you as well.
Sister, you should be able to pursue your studies if you want to. This is your life and you do have choices. You should be able to see your family. That is your family. In Islam, it is haram to cut off family the way he expects you to do.
The things he does to you are oppressive. The things he demands from you are haram (cutting off family). Sister, please think about how you wish to live your life as well as how you want your son to be raised. Do you feel like he is a good role model for your son?
Time as a Factor
I understand that you don’t want to waste time because your parents are helping you and your child. There seems to be time though, as your husband lives in England and has left you and your son at your mom’s despite you having a visa to go with him.
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However, living at your mom’s seems to be the best and safest place for you and your child at this point. You have time to think. You have peace. You can get counseling to help you heal. You can take your time in deciding what you want as far as your marriage is concerned.
Trying to Save Marriage
You need to decide Sister if you want to try to make it work with your husband or if you want to divorce. As Allah hates divorce, I would kindly suggest that you try to save your marriage first.
Kindly inform your husband that you do love him but the marriage has some problems and so, you would like to go for marriage counseling to save the marriage.
Insha’Allah, make notes of what behaviors you will and will not accept from him and how you wish to be treated. Use Qur’an and hadiths to back your discussion.
Rights in Islam
Sister, it is your right to save your marriage or to divorce. You do have a lot of rights in Islam, insha’Allah you are aware of them.
Hopefully, your husband will seek to improve this marriage as well when he sees you are serious. Insha’Allah marriage counseling will help your situation.
If it does not, then you may need to look at divorce as there is a chance that the marriage conditions could get worse.
I kindly advise you to speak with your family about this as well. Perhaps if you and your mom are close, she can offer some insights because she knows you, and she knows the situation.
Options and Rights
It appears that you have many options, Sister. I kindly suggest that you write down your options in your life right now and the things that you would like to accomplish.
As your husband does not appear to want to be a positive part of your life, you may wish to focus on yourself and your child right now.
Sadly, your husband appears to want to control every movement you make, accuse you of things you have not done, and cut you off from your family. All of these are haram and oppressive. You may wish to decide whether you want to have peace in your life or whether you want to continue to live like this.
Once you’ve made up your mind regarding what you would like to do, I kindly suggest that you do speak with your psychologist about this.
If your current psychologist is not helpful in guiding you towards a decision, resolution, and healing, I kindly refer you to seek out another counselor.
You may wish to speak with your mother about staying with her if you do decide to divorce. Perhaps you could help out with some of the expenses which I’m sure she would appreciate. Your parents love you and want to see you happy.
Insha’Allah you will make decisions based on the reality of the situation, self-reflection and insights of what you personally would like. Please do make istakharra prayer and make duaa to Allah to guide you during this time.
We wish you the best.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.