We started searching for a spouse in 2021, and despite many efforts, nothing has reached marriage.
I come from a simple family. My father is a landlord but is very strict with spending and has always had a difficult personality. He often behaves bluntly with guests and believes he is always right.
I have never had a close or emotionally comfortable relationship with him. Even today, I mentally prepare conversations before speaking to him.
My parents also have a difficult relationship, and my father rarely listens to my mother.
My relationships with my siblings have also become strained over the years.
Regarding marriage, financial compatibility is important to me. Since Allah has blessed me with a good career and income, I would like a husband who is financially secure, not because I seek luxury, but because I want stability and do not want to spend my married life worrying about survival or creating insecurity because I earn more than my husband.
Last year I accepted a proposal despite my financial concerns. Unfortunately, after the engagement, exactly what I feared happened. He became insecure about my career and income, became controlling and verbally abusive, and I eventually ended the engagement.
Over the years I also started questioning myself. I thought perhaps families rejected me because our house was simple or because we did not own a newer car. Recently, before one proposal visited, I renovated my room and bought a new car so that I would not later regret thinking I had not done enough. The family visited, but afterwards there was still no clear progress.
The part that confuses me most is that I keep noticing what appears to be a repeated pattern.
Whenever a proposal seems promising, major problems suddenly arise around the same time. Very often these involve my married elder sister—serious arguments with her husband or problems in her in-laws’ home—or significant tension within our own family. It has happened so many times that I have started wondering whether I am seeing a real pattern or whether my mind is connecting unrelated events because I am emotionally exhausted.
This has led me to questions that I am afraid to answer on my own.
Am I misunderstanding Allah’s wisdom in this delay?
Is my attachment to marriage becoming unhealthy?
Am I being tested, or is there something within myself that I genuinely need to change?
Islamically, how should I understand these repeated family problems that seem to occur whenever a promising proposal appears? Are they simply coincidences, or is there any Islamic reason to consider that they may have a deeper meaning?
Is it wrong that I sometimes wonder whether there could be evil eye, black magic, or some unseen obstacle, even though I have no clear evidence? If such thoughts are incorrect, how should I stop thinking this way?
I am not questioning Allah’s wisdom, but I am struggling to understand my situation. I genuinely want to know if I am making mistakes in my thinking or if there is something spiritually or practically that I should change.
Answer
In this counseling post:
- I don’t know whether you have asked yourself why it should matter how new your car is or how recently your room was renovated, instead of other qualities, such as: What is this person’s character like? How are they spiritually? How well do your values align?
- If you think about your parents’ relationship, and the things you would like to avoid based on that, what would your priorities be in the selection?
Assalamualaikum, sister,
Thank you for your question and for sharing your deepest concerns regarding marriage search.
In your letter, you are actually talking about two different topics.
The first is that you are looking for a spouse, but so far you have been unable to find someone. You explain that financial stability is very important to you. You also have a good career and are looking for a spouse who is at least at the same financial and professional level as you.
You also mentioned that sometimes you fear that your family’s financial situation is not good enough for prospective spouses. For example, you bought a new car and renovated your room to appear more financially well-off, but you feel that even that was not enough.
First, I want to address this point, sister.
Your priorities
If your priority is material success, then you are going to be evaluated by prospective spouses through that lens. That is your choice, for sure, but it is worth being aware of its possible consequences.
I understand the underlying need to feel secure, especially if you come from a more modest background.
However, you also have to understand that this is likely to specify how people see you and the kind of people you are going to attract. Your priorities are going to shape both the way you search for a spouse and the way potential spouses evaluate you.
I don’t know whether you have asked yourself why it should matter how new your car is or how recently your room was renovated, instead of other qualities, such as: What is this person’s character like? How are they spiritually? How well do your values align? What are your shared goals? What is their personality like? And so on.
So perhaps you should ask yourself this question: Is this really the lens through which I want to be evaluated? How does this lens guarantee a successful marriage? What does a successful marriage mean to me?
For example, if you think about your parents’ relationship, and the things you would like to avoid based on that, what would your priorities be in the selection?
I’m not saying that financial security should be ignored altogether, but you should think about what is truly important to you in a marriage.
And I think it is good to remind yourself that financial stability does not necessarily guarantee a good relationship. Likewise, marrying someone with good character does not necessarily guarantee that you will always get along well. However, it may give you other qualities that are equally, if not more, valuable.
Family dynamics
The second thing you mentioned in your letter was that whenever there is a marriage proposal, something seems to happen within your family—there are discussions or conflicts. You have started to wonder whether there is a connection between these family conflicts and your search for marriage. You asked whether there could be a pattern or whether it is simply a coincidence.
Unfortunately, you didn’t explain what these conflicts are actually about, so it is difficult for me to answer with certainty.
My answer is that it could be either. Sometimes, within family dynamics, there can be an underlying resistance to change, and that resistance may surface when a major life event, such as marriage, approaches. That could happen in the way you described. However, it also depends on the nature of the conflicts themselves. It is equally possible that they are simply coincidences.
Regarding black magic or similar explanations, I would not say that this is the most likely possibility.
To sum it up, I would encourage you to reflect on your priorities and your expectations. Make sure that what you are aiming for is truly what you want and what you genuinely need. The goals you pursue will influence the outcomes you are likely to achieve.
So, be very certain that what you are striving for is not only what you think you want, but also what will truly benefit you in the long run.
I hope this helps,