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We Can’t Have Children; I’m So Depressed

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 01, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum.

I am married for 4 years, but I haven’t been blessed with children yet. I have gone to doctors and sometimes my reports were normal and other times close to normal with little imbalance in hormones. I have been on medicine for a while. In my family everyone has been blessed with children. Many times I cry and pray to Allah, or fast for a day or two; I give charity and even pray the late night prayer, but now I feel my faith is becoming weak. I firmly believe that Almighty Allah is the Creator of everything, but I’m deprived of happiness as, although I ask Him devotedly, I don’t receive any answer. I know the Prophets were tested in this regard, but when my husband ill-treats me for not having children, I get really depressed. Ever since we got married, he gets angry at small things.

Many times he insults me and my parents, but I keep quiet. If he is in good mood, he is good with me, but if he is tensed due to something, all his frustration would be on me. All this I bear with patience. His medical reports are below normal level, but doctors have not said that we don’t have a baby because of him. I badly want to have children and I have told all my sorrows to Almighty Allah, yet I still don’t conceive. Many times, my husband puts this frustration of not having kids on me as it was my fault. I wish to ask him how it could be my fault, but I cannot ask when he is angry because he doesn’t allow me to say anything. Allah knows that I have never demanded anything from him or have made any trouble for him.

Please, guide with something so that my faith increases. I know there are many couples who had babies after many years of marriage, but now I feel I cannot bear this hardship anymore. We say Islam gives rights to women, but in reality, does every husband give love and respect to their wives? Why do men think they have the right to treat their wives whichever way they want just because they provide food and shelter?

Counselor

Answer


I Can’t Have Children; I’m So Depressed

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

As women, we have this natural drive and desire to have children and nurture them. When placed in a situation that deprives us of attaining what we desire (not just having children, but anything), then naturally this will lead to frustration and feelings of upset, which can have an impact on relations with those who are close to us.

Ma sha’ Allah, sister, you are responding in the most appropriate way to your difficult situation by paying sadaqah, praying, and asking for Allah’s (swt) assistance for your situation. May Allah (swt) reward you for your persistence and patience. It is understandably difficult when you try so hard but Allah (swt) still doesn’t seem to hear you after so long, but always remember that He (swt)does hear you and your test is to remain patient as you have been. This is all part of the test. Allah (swt) wants to give you this chance to prove your faith in Him, and it’s for you to remain strong and steadfast to prove this, even during times when you feel you can’t take it anymore.

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?” (Qur’an 29:2)

“Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. “Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people.” (Qur’an 2:286)

Allah (swt) will bring ease with every difficulty:

“Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” (Qur’an 94:6)

Allah (swt) knows when the time is right; He (swt) is the best of planners, so have faith that He (swt) will answer you when that time comes.

Keep in mind the medical perspective, that some couple naturally take as long as four years to conceive a child naturally. Like you say, you are aware of the tests of the prophets, and notable women in our history went through conditions where it was actually impossible for them to have children. But Allah (swt) rewarded them for their patience by granting them children when the time was right for them.

It will also be useful for you to consider some other related aspects to your situation, too. You say that if your husband is in a good mood then he’s good to you, and if he’s tensed then he’s bad to you. Understand that naturally when we are frustrated we do take it out on those close to us as they are the easy targets, because they love us unconditionally and are more likely to forgive us. So, keep in mind that, like you, he also desires to have children and also feels frustrated. He too is in need of support. Whilst this might feel completely unjust because you feel like you are the target of all his frustrations and all the blame is being placed on you, it is also important to see things from the other perspective. Even if you are right and are the one that suffers most, be the one who overstep the hard feelings and take the advice Allah (swt) gives us in the Qur’an:

“And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend.” (41:34)

You will be rewarded for nurturing a healthy and loving relationship with your husband. In turn, he will appreciate your patience with him, in sha’ Allah, and respond back with kindness. Difficult as it might feel to respond in this way, there is much wisdom in the advice that Allah (swt) gives us.

Without realizing it, you may also be taking your frustration out on him, too, which will only be exacerbating the problems between you and your husband. This will only add to his disappointment. It is not easy to hide such great frustrations in such a big matter, and it ends up becoming a big cycle of frustration with each other, but you have the power to be the one to put an end to this cycle if you take the advice of Allah (swt) and repel his negative behavior towards you with that which is better.

Additionally, the stress of your situation in terms of not having conceived yet and the consequential difficulties between your husband and yourself will not do anything good for your levels of fertility. In fact, stress can have adverse effects on fertility (both for the man and woman), especially given that you say medically both of you have been given the all clear. Therefore, there is nothing from a medical perspective that prevents you from conceiving. It is important that you do all you can to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally and to keep stress levels down to ensure a more conducive environment for conception to take place.

Alhamdulilah, He (swt) has given us some great advice on how to face testing times like yours in the best of possible manners to ensure that stress levels are kept to a minimum. If you can just integrate this into your life, despite the struggle, then surely He (swt) will hear your calls and answer your prayers sooner rather than later, when the time is right. Faith in this can only lead to a deep contentment with Allah’s (swt) decree which will further assist positive relations with your husband and will result in the conception that you both long for, in sha’ Allah.

May Allah (swt) bring comfort between you and your husband and bless you with a child that will be the coolness of your eyes. May He (swt) help you to remain patient and steadfast in your daily life and prayers to Him (swt).

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Depressed and Suffering from Infertility

The Experience of Muslim Women Struggling with Infertility

I Can’t Get Pregnant, so He Wants a Second Wife




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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