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I’m Married, But in Love with My Ex

Questioner

L

Reply Date

Jul 08, 2017

Question

I used to be in a relationship before I got married which finally ended. Later I got to know that the guy had been with another lady. I loved him so much and cried a lot for him. But as a Muslim, I sought Allah’s forgiveness and begged Him to remove this guy from my heart. I decided to get married instead of having relationships. 6 months after the breakup my ex started calling me again and pleading to come back while crying over and over, but I remained steadfast out of fear of Allah and for my future as well. I completely ignored him. Then I met the best man a lady could ever ask for. I have always prayed for this type of man, and I was happy to meet him. We got married after a year, and I gave birth to a lovely boy after 2 years. Last year, in November, I saw a message from my ex. For some reason, I greeted him after such a long time (5 years). I don't have any conversation with him now, but all of a sudden, I started having very strong feelings for him again. I don't understand this. I don't know why this is happening. I don't want this haram feeling. My husband has been the best hubby and father a lady can ever wish for; even my friends testify how kind and loveable he is, ma sha’ Allah. But the truth is that I can't reciprocate this love from the depth of my heart. I show him that I love him, but inside I don’t feel this; I don’t desire his touch and this kills me. Please advise me! Thank you.

Counselor

Answer


I’m Married, But in Love with My Ex

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for writing us. May Allah (swt) give you the strength and faith to stay on His path and keep away from what He forbids.

Your words reveal how much you are in a state of internal conflict and struggle and that you desperately need a way out of this evil spiral you feel you are trapped inside. Alhamdulillah, dear sister, that you are trying your best to save yourself and your family from the tragic, negative consequences that could result from surrendering to the evil whispers of nafs (self) and Satan.

I know that you know such feelings and thoughts are just some kinds of infatuation and lust and that by some resistance and persistence you will be able to overcome them, in sha’ Allah. You are much stronger than some temporary, negative whispers that would gradually fade away. You are stronger by your faith and love for Allah (swt); you are stronger by the great mission you are working to fulfill which is building a Muslim family full of love, warmth, and faith. You are stronger by the love and support Allah (swt) has given you through your beloved husband. Remember these!

Everyone is prone to whispers of nafs and Satan; however, the winner is the one who is able to work on weakening such thoughts until they totally fade away. It is a personal decision you have to take; it is not something out of your control or imposed on you.

I am not saying that you don’t need help from others; rather one of the very important steps to take is to seek the help of trusted people around you. You don’t have to tell them details of the situation; you just have to be in good company who will help you to be involved in positive and beneficial activities, to be distracted from the negative whispers, and to be surrounded by the emotional support any individual gets from being in the shield of a good company.

Your work should be on distracting your thoughts and trying to replace them with good, fruitful thoughts that add value to yourself, to your child, to your marriage, to your community. It may be that when thoughts are directly challenged and faced, they get clingier. So, in changing thoughts, it could be better that you don’t fight them and you don’t fight with yourself; you just try to give them the least importance and instead replace them gradually with positive thoughts that drift the negative thoughts away and take their place firmly.

One aspect you should ponder on is whether there is something missing in your marriage or your life in general; some emotional needs that are not fulfilled and which could be having this pressure on you and making you seeking to fulfill them through this “relationship”. Write down all your feelings, emotions, needs, fears, worries, etc., think about them, and see what you could work on to fulfill the gap.

Keep your tongue wet with the remembrance of Allah (swt) and maintain the weapon of du`aa’ as well as seeking Allah’s (swt) help and support.

Keep all possible doors closed in the face of that person and in the face of Satan, whether it be social media, email, phone, and any other door.

Finally, if you feel you are in need of more help, I strongly advise you to seek the help of a professional counselor who could take you by your hands and be by your side step by step until you get out of this dark hole, in sha’ Allah.

I pray to Allah (swt) that I have been able to help you through my words and my du`aa’. If you feel you need further assistance, please feel free to write back to us.

Salams,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Layla Al Qaraqsi

Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: [email protected]

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