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Husband Admitted to Sleeping with a Prostitute

30 August, 2017
Q Salam. Recently, I checked my husband’s hand phone and I was shocked finding out that he has been sleeping with a prostitute. I feel so sad. He lied to me because he said he has to travel to Indonesia and Vietnam, and he’s going with a male friend, but no, he’s going with her! What should I do? I’ve asked for a divorce, but he doesn’t want to let me go. I’ve lost respect and trust to my husband. He has admitted that he has affair with that prostitute, and he told me everything he had done with that woman, including the dirty stuff. I asked my husband to marry her, but he refused because he would feel ashamed to have a prostitute as a wife. Actually, my husband is old already; he turned 59 and I’m 34 years old. He has 4 kids from his previous marriage who have their own life now. His wife died because of breast cancer. I also have one kid who is now 12 years old from my previous marriage, too. My husband doesn’t like my kid; he forbids me to bring him into his home. I'm sad because prior to marriage he said he can accept my kid, but now he only wants me without my child. So, as a solution, I spend 3 or 4 nights in my house with my son, and the rest of the week I am with my husband. What else could I do? I love both of them. I didn’t expect that while I am in my home with my kid, he brings that woman to his house. After all, he says he wants to leave that woman but gradually because he says, they were both in love for one year and it’s hard to forget each other. He further says he wants to be friend with that woman, but I don’t trust him. He still contacts her even if I am next to him as I already know about it. I want a divorce, but would it be a big sin for a woman to ask for a divorce? I can’t live with him and I am tired giving him new chances. He got so angry with me when I checked his phone. He says that a wife cannot check her husband’s phone. He even added that I have no brain and don’t respect him as a husband.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“I would suggest you look back into what you are losing and gaining from your marriage. If your marriage had a good start and you believe that it can return to something good and sacred, then put that into consideration while making your decision. If your marriage never started on the right track and was filled with lack of empathy, mutual respect, and lack of cooperation between you both, then that would be something to consider as well.”


Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I am very sorry to hear about the huge difficulties you have been facing in your marriage and family. I ask Allah (swt) to give you strength and courage to do what is right for you and your family.

Sister, let me begin by summarizing the important points of your question. First, your husband has cheated on you with a particular prostitute for over a year. Second, your husband seems to really like this woman who is a prostitute and does not want to end the relationship with her. Third, your husband does not want your 12-year-old son to live with you and him as a family together. As a result, you spend a few nights with your son and a few nights with your husband. Lastly, you are contemplating divorce because of the above negative things your husband has done, but you are not sure what to do. You say you love your husband and also worried if asking for a divorce is a “sin.”

To begin to address this situation, I first would like to ask why you married your current husband. You mentioned that you both had previous marriages. Why did you decide to marry him in the first place? Did you want a life companion? Did you want protection and/or to be financially cared for? Did you fear loneliness? What exactly did you want from this marriage?  Answer this question honestly between you and yourself. Then ask yourself if you have attained what you wanted out of this marriage. Most importantly, think about the positives that you gained from this marriage and the negatives as well.

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After honestly answering the above questions, then ask yourself what you want to change in your life to make things better. We already know that you cannot change other people’s actions. You want your husband to stop seeing the prostitute, which is a major sin in Islam anyway, but he told you that he will not. Are you fine with that? If you agree, you will have to endure dealing with an adulterous husband because you chose to stay. If you want to stay and be patient that he may change in the future, that is your choice. If you chose to end the marriage because you know that you cannot tolerate his adulterous relationship, that is your choice as well. Just know that both choices come with a price. You need to choose one way which is the right way for you.

How are you going to make that choice? I would suggest you look back into what you are losing and gaining from your marriage. If your marriage had a good start and you believe that it can return to something good and sacred, then put that into consideration while making your decision. If your marriage never started on the right track and was filled with lack of empathy, mutual respect, and lack of cooperation between you both, then that would be something to consider as well. In other words, what does a good marriage look like to you? Does your marriage have it? Or does your marriage have the potential to be good? Only you can honestly answer yes or no. I believe you know the answer.

There is also another issue I would like to bring to your attention which is your 12-year-old son. Since you are his mother, you are responsible for this boy’s emotional and mental well-being. It is absolutely vital that children grow up in a positive and stable environment. Have you or his father provided him with a positive and stable environment? Is his father a part of his life? Does he live alone when you are with your husband? If your son does not have a stable environment and his father is not an active part of his life, then I would suggest that you be that stable parent in his life.

Children are an absolute priority. If you do not give them the proper environment to grow and be nurtured, their futures can be at stake. Why did your current husband not want to take in your son? How do you feel about this decision and did you discuss it with him? Is there a way that you both can sit down and discuss your son’s future and well-being?

I sense that there is a lot of issues you and your husband must absolutely discuss. The issues that you are dealing with are not light issues. You must take action immediately because you are responsible for yourself and your son. If your current situation is not satisfactory for your son or yourself, then you must take steps to make positive change.

You must first sit with your husband and openly talk about the issues that cause you distress. Find out if he empathizes with you and tries to find a way to make a positive change for you as his wife and for your son. A good way to do so is through marriage counseling. A marriage counselor is trained to help the both of you express your inner feelings and desires. It helps to cultivate empathy and mutual respect between spouses. I highly recommend that you both participate in marriage counseling.

But sister, if no change occurs and you sense that your husband is not changing for the better, then please be proactive and make the change that you need. Again, I emphasize the importance of your son’s upbringing.

Finally, I would like to address the final point you made which is your belief that asking for a divorce is a “sin.” I kindly will refer you to our website’s “Ask the Scholar” section in which you can look up answers from our scholars regarding divorce. As Muslims, we know that a woman does, in fact, have the right to a divorce. Being cheated on by your husband does entitle a woman to get divorced.

Another thing to consider is that you expose yourself to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) if you have sexual relations with your husband. It’s because he has sexual relations with a prostitute who may or may not use protection with her other clients.

I ask Allah (swt) to help you to find the truth, to protect yourself and your son, and to have the courage to do what is right.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh
Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.