Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear brother,
Before we begin talking about your wife’s perspective on divorce and marriage, I’d like to explore a few things. Your questions seem to convey the fact that you and your wife are not content with your marriage. Why is there even a discussion about extramarital affairs? Since when has this been going on? Have you sought any marital counseling?
Several Muslim couples are apprehensive about marriage counseling due to the fear of being judged or simply because they don’t want a third person know about their marital issues. It is important to understand that this third person, the counselor, is not a family member; he/she does not know you personally; therefore, there is no room to be judged. Counselors work with a very open and non-judgmental philosophy.
You talk about the two evils: extramarital affair or divorce. Yes, certainly divorce is very much despised in our religion, but why? Why is it that Allah (swt) dislikes divorce? The philosophy behind it is to work on compatibility. Marriages are difficult in general, even with happy couples. Marriages need to be worked upon to build into lasting bonds. Allah (swt) prefers His followers to patiently work on their differences, pick their battles, and agree to disagree.
However, if you have done “everything” you possibly could in order to save this marriage, to build a strong relationship, and to bond, but both of you still have some stark differences that you cannot compromise with, then you need to rethink your decision of staying in this marriage.
Marriage has a very high regard in Allah’s (swt) eyes, and being married means that Allah (swt) has some expectations from both of you as you are considered garments of each other.
You need to ask yourself, what is it about divorce that is so despised? What would be okay about a marriage that is called a marriage, but is really a formal relationship that includes two very different people who are currently living two very different and separate lives? Do you actually believe that you can live your entire lives together as a married couple, but with an agreement that each of you will have your own extramarital affair? How long do you think this would last? How would this work for your children? What kind of a dynamic would this create in your home?
Often we see couples who choose not to divorce for the sake of their families and friends, or to avoid the embarrassment or tainted reputation that may follow. Are any of these reasons true in your case? Do either of you fear the embarrassment, tainted reputation, or stress on family members? If that is the case, again, ask yourself what is more important to you and your wife: your family and friends’ embarrassment/stress or your life in such a relationship.
Since the two of you don’t have children yet, this is a good time to talk to each other, understand your differences, and try to make compromises to see if this relationship will work. No doubt this will be difficult. It all depends on how badly you want to save this marriage. Think about how and why you got married in the first place; what were those first few months of marriage like? What was attractive to both of you?
You mentioned that you don’t know if you want to save this marriage because of your wife’s perspective on extramarital affairs. I would strongly encourage you to have a discussion with her about your thoughts and how you feel about this, how her attitudes are challenging your will to fight for this marriage. If she is not willing to change her perspective, then again you may want to ask yourself what kind of life you prefer.
In Allah’s (swt) eyes, marriage is highly regarded, and divorce highly disliked. Disliked, not haram. Which means that Allah (swt) understands and knows if someone has done “everything” he could to save a marriage, but has had no success, he may opt for a divorce. The idea is to use this act as scarcely as possible and as a last resort.
In summary, I strongly encourage you to seek marriage counseling. Such counseling is best done early in the relationship for best results. With that said, it’s never too late to go for marital counseling. The counselor can help both of you understand your differences, perspectives, and future plans. These counseling sessions will certainly help both of you make the decision that is best for both of you.
May Allah (swt) help you,
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