Answer
As salamu `alaykumwa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh my daughter.
Often, when parents migrate from a cultural climate that is completely different from the one they were raised and married in, there is a tendency to hold onto the values that have sufficed throughout life. As parents, one wants to pass on those values even in the midst of opposition forces that has values from the country that one has migrated to. I say opposition forces because whether you want to believe it or not, you are a force to be reckoned with. Your parents are essentially struggling to cope with something that they do not understand.
Some communities have the kind of environmental/community support that helps young people to grow and mature because the support mechanisms are natural elements within the society that naturally direct the energies of young people in a creative way. Your language and your way of thinking show that you have not had that support and in fact, you have been raised by your external environment. What does that mean? Well, in short, the world in which you have been educated in has great influence over you than the values of your home, so the desires of your parents seem to be quite overbearing and strict for a child who frequently communicates over the Internet, has a mobile phone, has had more than one boyfriend, has dropped out of school on and off and sees no problem in staying alone in one’s own bedroom.
What does that mean? Well, in short, the world in which you have been educated in has great influence over you than the values of your home, so the desires of your parents seem to be quite overbearing and strict for a child who frequently communicates over the Internet, has a mobile phone, has had more than one boyfriend, has dropped out of school on and off and sees no problem in staying alone in one’s own bedroom.
There is nothing strange about this for you, because your idea of what a family is, differs greatly from your parents. Your parents come from a culture that places the family first and being family means being together sharing (the good and the bad) together. If anything is wrong, the parents would know and because of closeness, their ability to deal with your problems would be in consideration of your needs whether you recognize those needs or not.
For instance, your parents have recognized a need for you to be married at the same time you have become interested in boys. If you were fair to them, you would have told them about your cousin a long time ago and the possibility of suitability for marriage would be discussed and if all agreed (including his parents), there would be further discussion.
This would be in your interest in case your cousin was not suitable for you or you for him, especially when passions are aroused, it gets a little bit difficult to see the woods for the trees If your parents or “the parents” as you put it, did not agree, then at least you would be better placed to understand why and to hold out for marriage to each (as is your right) until everyone is convinced if you were both really serious about each other.
As you are now, you can not possibly see the woods for the trees. Everything centers around you and your desires (not needs), yet you cannot understand why your parents see you as being difficult and cannot recognize their love for you and their fear for you to the point whereby they recognize their limitations and have asked big brother to keep an eye on you.
How many big brothers can be bothered to do that in the country in which you live? Is that not love? Is that not caring for you? Because you do need keeping an eye on because who knows where your emotions will lead you next. It is not about not trusting you, it is about fearing for you, because you are at a vulnerable time of your life, a time, when you are blind to the risks that the older family members are more aware of than you. Maybe, just maybe, if your parents could see you behaving responsibly, they might worry less about you socializing with some of your female friends.
Looking at your love life, I would say that there is a kind of irony. The irony is that because you could not get what you wanted straight away, your impulsiveness (negative emotions) made you vulnerable to someone who took advantage of you just as you was taking advantage of him. Is it not taking an advantage when you use him as a distraction to something/someone else? Boys are not that stupid you know, he was probably aware of it and felt no way about using you in the way he did. Al hamdu lillah there was nothing more involved.
Anyway, your impulsiveness drove you to not recognize your cousins’ feelings for you, just as you do not recognize the feelings of your parents and your big brother for you. In fact, your impulsiveness has got you into the situation that you are in now. Far be it for me to say that it is not becoming of a Muslim to be chatting with the opposite sex whether by phone, chat room, e-mail or physical presence.
{“Allah has written for the son of Adam his inevitable share of adultery whether he is aware of it or not: The fornication of the eye is the looking (at something which is sinful to look at), and the fornication of the tongue is to utter (what it is unlawful to utter), and the inner self wishes and longs for (fornication) and the private parts turn that into reality or refrain from submitting to the temptation”} (Bukhari 8: 77 #609)
Islam being a religion of nature knows what can happen especially when we as humans least expect it, for as you have found out emotions run their own course and unless reigned in, emotions can turn our world upside down and inside out and before you know it, we find ourselves regretting it for the rest of our lives. Take a look at the world we live in, it is all negative emotions and has very little to do with politics or common sense for that matter. As far as your love life is concerned, I would strongly suggest that:
a) You either wait it out until the end of your school year or
b) Tell your parents about your interest in your cousin.
The problem with the first suggestion is that you will have to break contact with your cousin (as Islamically this is a no no) and to improve your behavior with the help of regular prayers, du`aa and reading verses from the Qur’an that can help you. Also, joining a young Muslimah halaqa (circle) can help provide peer group support and guidance. The problem with the latter suggestion is that, if your parents do not respond positively, this might affect your ability to study and complete your school year successfully.
Later on in life, who knows when you will need those certificates for further study or employment especially when raising your own family, that extra income might prove useful or it might be that your character might not be the kind of character that takes to staying at home (like now for instance).
As for your deen ( Islamic religion/way of life), inadvertently, I have addressed this above, because Islam is not a religion that isolates thoughts and acts of worship from your daily transactions with family, friends, and school. It is about who you choose to interact with and how you interact. It is about walking your talk. As a Yemeni proverb goes: “Ask help from the one who is experienced, not the physician”.
We are all born upon a fitra, but what you see now as being your true nature, is but a phase. How you view this phase will determine whether it will be short lived or long term. Why not take time out from your emotions and do your best to get closer to your family, to clear your mind and to connect with who you really are and what you really want for, at the end of the day, you have all that you need, `in sha’allah.
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