After Engagement, Daughter Respects Us No More

03 August, 2020
Q Salam, my daughter got engaged for 4 months. She will get married this year in September.

IShe is always on the phone with her fiance and goes out with him and comes back late.

I have explained the consequences and even threatened her. She doesn’t seem to bother. It is upsetting our family members.

I Even the walimah too, it will have songs and stuff which is against Islam.

II have taught her all this in her younger days. She seems to be more accommodating to the boy's side. Should we attend her walimah?

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•You might want to point out the importance of being careful with behaviors.  You may wish to share an experience that relates to how you overcame a temptation while waiting for your wedding day.

•You may want to express your discomfort with her regarding her choices in music and the other things which you say are against Islam.

•Talk to her as a friend now, she needs you both as her mom, and her friend.  Our moms are the best friend’s we will ever have.


As salamu alaykum dear sister,

Congratulations on the engagement of your daughter. I can imagine that this is a very happy, yet stressful time for you.

Haram Behaviors before Marriage

Some points of stress you have outlined. You indicated that your daughter has been on the phone with her fiancé and goes out with him and comes back late.

I’m not sure if she did this prior to being engaged to him, however, she may feel that they have the liberty to do this as they are engaged.

As we know, this behavior is haram because they are not married yet and can lead them into great danger, even jeopardize their marriage plans.

Approach your Daughter

Sister, perhaps if you approached her in a different manner she may listen to what you have to say. Take her out for lunch or dinner and try to make it a fun, casual experience.

When speaking with your daughter, insha’Allah ask her how she feels, inquire about what she is thinking regarding her marriage and her current thoughts on an Islamic marriage.

If you approach her with anger, she’s going to shut down and not listen. However, if you approached her as a friend, even though you’re still her mother, she may be more inclined to listen.

After Engagement, Daughter Respects Us No More - About Islam

You may wish to speak with her about the great blessings of marriage and discuss with her the wonderful future she will have insha’Allah.

Perhaps telling her about your own engagement and how excited you were, will reconnect the two of you.

By sharing your feelings with her about how you felt about getting married, perhaps she will begin to see that you too, have had similar feelings as she is having.

Insha’Allah, you might want to point out the importance of being careful with behaviors.  You may wish to share an experience that relates to how you overcame a temptation while waiting for your wedding day. 

Additionally, insha’Allah, explain that you didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize the blessings of Allah.

In this context perhaps insha’Allah, she will understand that if she engages in her haram behaviors, she and her fiancé will not gain the favors of Allah, in fact, it may even jeopardize their marriage in the future.

Your Daughter is now Responsible

As you have taught your daughter very well, and you have given her a good Islamic foundation, it is basically upon her at this age whether she follows the principles.

However, she does need to show respect for you, as that is your home and you are still providing for her.

Regarding the walimah, as I understand, there will be songs and other things which is against Islam. You feel that she is trying to be more accommodating to her fiancé’s side of the family.

Sister, you may want to express your discomfort with her regarding her choices in music and the other things which you say are against Islam. Perhaps there can be concessions.

Walimahs

In cultures, there are many ways in which walimahs are conducted. Festivities may be simple or elaborate and often there are activities at walimahs which everyone is not in agreement with.

You may feel that your daughter is trying to accommodate her fiancé’s side of the family, and she very may well be, however, this is quite normal   She is trying to make both sides of the families happy.

She may feel that she is letting down the boy’s side of the family if she refuses certain aspects of the walimah. 

She may feel that you would be more understanding as you are her mother, and she is just getting to know her future in-laws.  However, she should consider both family’s feelings, and above all she should ensure it is Islamic.


Check out this counseling video


This is her wedding sister, it is now between her and her fiancé, and Allah. Insha’Allah, how they conduct their walimah will be acceptable to Allah. 

As with anything else in life, there are situations that we will be in that we do not feel are optimal for our Islam. However, this is where our test of faith, as well as strength, comes in.

If there are things that you are you are uncomfortable with such as music being played, perhaps you could take that time to go for a walk while the music is playing.  

In this way, you will still be there for your daughter -for a very important milestone in her life, yet you can still honor your conscious by taking a brief walk when things are not in an Islamic manner.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah you and your daughter will work it out sister. Talk to her as a friend now, she needs you both as her mom, and her friend.  Our moms are the best friend’s we will ever have.  We wish you both the best.

Salam.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.