I Don’t Get Along with My Siblings

01 January, 2021
Q As salamu `Alaykum. I am 19 and in dire need of help. Lately, I don't get along with my siblings. They are all older and I am the last born.

I live with my married sister and her two kids along with my mum, one brother, and a cousin, including my brother-in-law. Lately, I have been suffering from a severe conflict which makes me confused. I have been given to understand that nobody is going to provide for me in terms of books, tuition, pocket money.

I don't drive and no one is supporting me on this. I have been commuting to work and college by bus and it's hectic.

By the time I get home, I am dead tired. I want to major at university, yet, I never get time to concentrate on my studies. I plan to move out, and they all support this, but they are not pushing me out, they say.

I want to move out, because I feel what is the point of staying if there is no difference between living by myself or living with my family who are not helpful.

My dilemma is that I want to move out, yet if I do so then I would have to quit my school. If I stay, I am going to lose face with my relatives because I have already told them that I want to move out. not only that but also because if I do stay I know my sister and I will never get along as we have some serious issues going on between us. Please tell me what to do.

Talking won't help because all of us has done our share of that. I just want to know what to do.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

“You basically seems to be living as one big extended family which works well if all members have a common agreement, the same cultural/religious system by which one lives by as a point of reference.

Even though more information from you would have been appreciated here, I am going to suggest that the cultural gap between you and the rest of your family has reached the point whereby neither side can see the other side’s point of view.”


As salamu `alaykum and may your fast and prayers be accepted, in sha`allah,

It is not clear as to how many members of your family were raised in your country of birth, but at a guess, it would seem that you are the only one who has been raised in the country in which you live now.

Whatever the situation is, you have grown up in a culture of expectation and find it difficult to comprehend where your family is coming from.

You basically seem to be living as one big extended family which works well if all members have a common agreement, the same cultural/religious system by which one lives by like a point of reference.

I Don't Get Along with My Siblings - About Islam

Even though more information from you would have been appreciated here, I am going to suggest that the cultural gap between you and the rest of your family has reached the point whereby neither side can see the other side’s point of view.

Just as it has not entered into your head that your family has got a point, your family does not comprehend that you have a point either. There is no consideration and lots of expectation from the other that one’s needs will be met regardless of the affect on the other party.


Check out this counseling video


Today, it is taken for granted that one will complete school successfully, move onto university and complete that successfully, and that all one’s needs will be met to do as one desire.

Take another look at your family, and see who is doing what. I mean, take a real look by removing any current ideas from your perception of them.

I ask you one question:

Regardless of who works inside the home or/and outside the home, how many family members have the family as the center of their world?

If all the family members are so inclined, then ask yourself, why do you want to complete university so much? Who would the success be for, and how does the family benefit?

Now, maybe you can begin to see where they are coming from.

Another question:
If university is so important to you, what is to stop you from finding a part-time job to support your studies or/and applying for a student grant/loan or scholarship all of which is available in the country in which you live?

A final question:
Why do you need a car? Some students travel long a long distance just to acquire a basic education.

Were you hoping to get from A- B in half-an-hour, so that you could relax in comfort to sit in front of books to absorb knowledge? Knowledge is not so cheap my dear. You could equally make the most of your long journey from A – B by applying your mind differently.

Use that time as a time to learn, revise enquire upon what you have been learning. The essential ingredients for becoming a good student is not a fast car and all ones need to be catered for but: Absorption and expression without integration are mindless and empty of life.

*Absorption and integration without expression is hypocritical and schizoid

*Integration and expression without absorption permits no external influences to have any bearing on thought

*Expression without absorption encourages fallacies, untruths and easy answers.

So, why do you what do you want to major in and why?

This is not simply about scoring goals, this is about how one chooses to live, who ones chooses to include in ones live and whose terms one chooses to live.

Make the most of the rest of Ramadan, especially Layl-ul-tul Qadr, because the steps you take now go a long way towards shaping or misshaping your future.

When you are clear on what you realy want and you acknowledge what others can give, then maybe the gateway of opportunity will be open enough to begin real communication with each other, heart-to-heart, caring and sharing for each others needs.


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About Hwaa Irfan
Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.