Doing What My Parents Didn’t Do

29 January, 2018
Q My father is a police officer, and paid child support for the past 16  years. He likes to offer things, but when it comes to calling him, he can back out of a situation in the lamest way. I'm no longer in contact with him, nor will I ever be.   My mother basically raised me for 15 years, and then she met this guy on the Internet who lives in another country, and I suppose things went well. We moved up there, and then they got married. I hate this guy, with every last part of me, and I would like nothing more than to be the cause of his removal from this earth. No, this is not just misguided teenage rage. Simply, it is a build up of hate from the past few years. I've missed my entire high school years due to him (no, I never went to high school), and to a lesser extent my mother, simply follows. Their efforts to have a child resulted in my brother, who is autistic. It runs in the father's side of the family. He still doesn't talk, but he is quite a happy child.  I finally left home thanks to the graciousness of my family members, who gave me a great home for almost a year, as they knew what a screwed up situation I was coming from, and they did everything to steer me in the right direction. Late last year, I was still resident in my stepfather's country – I would be receiving my dividend. I had exchanged a few emails with my mother, she had mentioned that "they have been doing a lot of checking in to see if people are still in the state". Of course this did nothing except to bring me to the realization that she was pondering on keeping it [the dividend] for herself. Even the thought that she would do something like that agitated me beyond belief. I did something wrong, and I checked her email (it's hosted on my Server), and I found a message from her husband stating "I can’t tell you what to do with – [my] dividend, only you can decide". This brought on a rather large amount of anger from my end, and I completely disowned her for the better part of a month. It would still be this way if it wasn't for my family who strongly stressed repairing the relationship right away, as I would be in need of it [the relationship] when I get older.   I then moved to another state with an extremely good friend of mine whom I room-mated with for a few months, before I got a good chunk of my money, and he forced me to fly. Since then, life hasn't been half bad, but my savings is down, I'm out of work, and I have roughly four months left after paying for school (full time college).   My school schedule is extremely busy. I have two hard core maths classes every quarter, for which I need to get 3.0 in or better in order to move onto the university I wish to go to. This makes finding a job hard, let alone evening work at a Take-Away/Eatery giant will no pay all the bills. Tonight I found an email from someone I knew from when I lived in another state. He stated that there's been a  problem with my mother, and he doesn't know what's going on. So, I called the number stated, and talked to my mother. It seems there was some sort of altercation between her and my stepdad, and he filed assault charges on her. The story I got from my mother was "he was carrying (my brother), and he wouldn't give him to me (bah!). I do not doubt that she may have hit him, but this is most definitely a first time incident. She mentioned that I may need to go up there to help out.   There is nothing I can really help with, and the chances are all I'd do is get myself into problems, which I'll get out of, but I still can't deal with it properly at this time. I want no part of the whole this situation, I moved out for a reason, and have never wished to go back for more than a visit, to such an extent I would kill myself rather than go back there. While there are very few things that would make me happier than paying my stepfather back for those years, I quite outpace him in both size and strength. I know that it will likely lead to a loss of control, and I do not wish to handle the consequences of killing a man. There is nothing I can offer my mother, besides the fact that she has no choice, but to repair the relationship with her husband. She is disabled, overweight, and is developing diabetes. She can't work, and taking care of my brother I a full-time job within itself. Despite all of this she is my mother. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the whole situation.   Thanks


In this counseling answer:

“The family that you stayed with and tried to guide you rightly, are they still not there? Can they not guide you as to the real situation that is transpiring between your mother and stepfather? Can you not explain to them your concerns so that they can help you judge what to do for the best? And even if you decide to go ahead and see how your mother is, then, at least, you will be properly informed beforehand as to the real situation.”

Greetings my dear son.

I have no idea how you found us, or what made you write to us as a non-Muslims. The “B” word you use to introduce yourself is such an ugly word, a word without value or meaning. Islamically, it is not an appropriate word, because although you may have been born out of wedlock, in Islam the sins of the parents remains their sin, it can not be passed onto you for you were born without sin.

What can I say despite all that has happened, you at your age, have managed to achieve what many of your peers do not achieve. Out of a broken home, a home from which you raised yourself, you are a man not a boy, who is honest with himself, who is aware of his strengths and weaknesses, and knows what he has to do. You have deep sense of right and what is wrong, which from an Islamic viewpoint is a result of your fitrah, which have not become alienated from.

“Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him) said: No babe is born but upon Fitrah. It is his parents who make him a Jew or a Christian or a Polytheist. A person said: Allah’s Messenger, what is your opinion if they were to die before that (before reaching the age of adolescence when they can distinguish between right and wrong)? He said: It is Allah alone Who knows what they would be doing” (Muslim 33 #6426)

“Your fitrah is “… in this sense, is the faculty, which He has created in mankind, of knowing Allah. It is the natural constitution with which the child is created in his mother’s womb, whereby he is capable of accepting the religion of truth” – Yasien Muhammad.

You have much to be angry about, and you are aware where your anger can get you, but right now you are facing certain decisions all demanding attention.

-What holds you back from going to see how your mother is, is your education, and the need to find reasonable employment

-What prevents you from going is if your rage comes into contact with your stepfather, and painful memories.


However, there is a third option. The family that you stayed with and tried to guide you rightly, are they still not there? Can they not guide you as to the real situation that is transpiring between your mother and stepfather? Can you not explain to them your concerns so that they can help you judge what to do for the best? And even if you decide to go ahead and see how your mother is, then, at least, you will be properly informed beforehand as to the real situation.

The main prophet of Muslims, Prophet Muhammad advised: “He who does not respect our elder, or is not merciful to the young… “ (Abu Dawud, No.4921, & At-Tirmidhi, No.1925)

You are worried about your grades, so just take every opportunity as time-out from what is going on around you, by keeping the basic study aids with you so that you can refer to it.

When you see your mother, remember your studies, and when you see your stepfather (if there is a need to see him), see him with a  member of the family, and remember your studies, and, think of other part time work other than working in a Take Away/Eatery, that pays more, and demands less – even your technical wizardry with the Internet and Intranet could be legally applied for pay, in service for a company that would allow you to work from a home computer. And when things get really tough, know that He is always looking over your shoulder – how else did you get this far!?

You are handy with the Internet, so use it to help you find a part-time job, even one related somehow to the studies you want to pursue – It’s time to have a little faith in yourself, my son.



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About Hwaa Irfan
Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.