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Can Parents Do Whatever They Want Without Limits?

04 November, 2020
Q As-salamu`alaykum, I have a big problem with my mother. Ever since I was little, she has always led me to believe that she preferred my other brothers & sisters to me (I'm the oldest). On some occasions, she'd try to put my father against me. Today I'm married and I no longer live with her, but I have a wounded heart because it's much easier to kiss the feet of your mother when you feel her love for you is sincere. My question is, when your own mother does you wrong, does she commit a sin, or because heaven is under her feet, this means that she won't be punished for the bad things she's done?She's my mother, and I love her dearly, that's why my heart still aches, but I need to know the limits of parents to their child. Are they permitted to do everything they choose? 'It's hard for me to forgive her because I lost self-esteem and courage. Are there any du`aa' I can recite to help me be relieved of the pain of a parent? Please answer me. I really need help! Because of her, I feel like I'm a bad person. I have a hard time trusting anyone, how could I if I can't trust my own mother?. Today, al-hamdu lillah, I have a nice husband, but my past seems to catch up with me all the time. Salam

Answer

In this counseling answer:

“For one thing, you have a good husband. That not only indicates that Allah has been generous and kind towards you, but also that you attract good people. Meaning that there are some good qualities in you that are still alive. If you foster them, it will help you increase your self-esteem and courage! No matter how great our parents are, they always seem to leave an imprint of doing too much of this or too little of that, such that everyone suffers from something that has resulted from something their parents did or didn’t do.”


As-salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

I am so sorry to hear that your mother treated you in such a way. That is surely painful and emotionally abusive. Mothers are humans too, and they too are accountable for their actions to Allah. Oppression in any form is not acceptable, and what she did is not okay, even if she is your mother. Allah does not oppress and He does not permit anyone to do so.

Given that you still suffer from low self-esteem and lack courage, you are likely to feel resentful towards her until you see that you are able to relinquish those qualities and more despite your upbringing. Every human has the capacity towards resilience, and you undoubtedly are resilient in many ways. It is hard for you to see your strength because it seems like it has been difficult for you to validate your pain. Your pain is valid!! She wronged you, and you surely did not deserve that. Although it may feel like it, you are not damaged goods.


Can Parents Do Whatever They Want Without Limits? - About Islam

Consider…

For one thing, you have a good husband; that not only indicates that Allah has been generous and kind towards you, but also that you attract good people towards you; meaning that there are some good qualities in you that are still alive and, if you let them, will help you increase your self-esteem and courage! No matter how great our parents are, they always seem to leave an imprint of doing too much of this or too little of that, such that everyone suffers from something that has resulted from something their parents did or didn’t do.

Why do I tell you this? I tell you this because you are not alone!! Millions of successful people come from histories of abuse and millions more are unsuccessful despite their histories of no abuse! Children that experience no adversity have a greater likelihood of being brittle and unable to handle the slightest challenge.


Check out this counseling video


I strongly encourage you to get some individual counseling in which you can do more thorough work on your pain. This need not necessarily be with a Muslim counselor, though you might prefer it to be. Either way, counseling is something that will likely benefit you. Your case is very common, and you could gain some peace of mind and actually grow by processing your pain.

I pray that Allah help you and be with you.


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. If you feel you are going to harm yourself, or harm someone else, please seek immediate help by calling your country’s international hotline! In no event shall About Islam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.

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