I Don’t Feel Like Having Children

03 September, 2019
Q Salam dear counselor. Is it normal that at the age of 27 I do not feel like having children? I am from the US married to a Middle-Easterner. He has been saying we should start having children, but I feel I have no patience for children. I feel so disturbed and frustrated when I do not sleep enough (meaning min. 7 hours), I hate when I do not have time in the weekend to do something I love and which is not an obligation on me. What will I do if I have children?

My husband says he will help me but obviously, I cannot depend on that. If he will be tired of work, he will not help, or if he has something like a meeting, he will not contribute. But on the other hand, I love when my family gets together.

When inshallah I am going to be old, I also wish to have my loved ones around me - children and grandchildren. I do not want to be the old lady with cats. And I also know the earlier you give birth the easier it is. So I am confused. I need to decide something,

I feel pressurized by my husband and the family. I fear if I keep delaying it, he will soon divorce me and I can totally understand that. What shall I do? Should every woman be a mother?

Answer

In this counseling answer: 

•At 27 time is still on your side, but it is also limited. However, by no means should you feel pressured to having children if you don’t want to or are not ready to.

•What can be useful to do, is as it seems you have already, contemplate your 2 options; have children or don’t.Think about the benefits and consequences of both. Think of this in terms of both the immediate and long-term effects.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

I can reassure you that you are not the only woman who feels this way. Most women do desire to have children, but there are many who don’t too. You have stated numerous reasons why you don’t want to have children, but at the same time have some underlying desire to as you also see a future with family get-togethers of children and grandchildren.

Having children is life-changing and that is a daunting thought. Things can change dramatically and your routine will change, but it also does not mean that you have to give up on the things that you usually do too. It just requires an adjustment to allow for both.

I Don't Feel Like Having Children - About Islam

Alhamdulilah, your husband says he will help and even if he will be working too, it does mean that at least you can rely on him every now and then to take care of the baby whilst you take some time for yourself. I will also reassure you that most women feel this way before having children. Firstly that they won’t be to do the things that they usually do and secondly that they simply don’t know how, but when women have children some kind of instinct takes over and they quickly learn how to manage these things effectively.

Obviously, at the end of the day, it is your choice if you have children but do also keep in mind that your spouse who wants children is entirely reliant on you to provide this for him.


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This may be what makes you fear, he will seek divorce as if you don’t have children then he won’t be able to fulfill this desire. It is therefore recommended that you do at least sit down with him and discuss your fears.

It might be that you feel more comforted by sharing this with him that you feel more open to having children. It will make it easier for you to see things from his perspective and also help him to appreciate yours too.

At 27 time is still on your side, but it is also limited. However, by no means should you feel pressured to having children if you don’t want to or are not ready to.

What can be useful to do, is as it seems you have already, contemplate your 2 options; have children or don’t.

Think about the benefits and consequences of both. Think of this in terms of both the immediate and long-term effects.

Also, think about if you had children, would you regret having them? Or if you don’t, would you regret not having children. Unfortunately, a woman is generally not able to have children beyond a certain age so you do have limited time to think about these options until the time passes.

As much as you don’t feel like having children right now, it is a decision that affects your husband too and at some point in the future will be a choice you can’t make anymore as you go beyond childbearing age, so it is important that you do spend time thinking about this now. It might be that you even come to some kind of compromise that maybe you will live a year or 2 more without having children and will try after this period.

May Allah guide you to make the best decision that will be best for you and your husband and most pleasing to Him.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)