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My Daughter Broke My Heart

08 October, 2021
Q I have cried and I feel so sick. I can't sleep at night. My daughter, who is 14, just decided to live with her father and the court allowed it. He has never been a good parent. We divorced when she was a baby.

Her desire to live with him was granted by the court even though he admitted dealing with her badly all the last years, and that he saw nothing wrong with that. I am so heartbroken.

I know she will have no supervision there, and no one will watch what happens with her school work and such. The place he lives in is a rough area. The school is noted as not a very good one.

But what hurts most of all is that I feel she has tossed me to the side, and all that I have done for her for years means nothing to her. I feel dead. I don't know how to deal with my daughter.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•Despite your daughter’s moving to live with his father, you should know that your daughter does love you very much.

•Once your daughter does move in with her father, a few things will happen. First, she will realize how much you did for her.

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•I think this is experience will help her develop an appreciation for you as well as help her to gain a better perspective.

•Look at this as a temporary separation and something that your daughter needs to go through to learn, be more aware of what she does have, and appreciate her life in general


As salamu alaykum dear sister,

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your daughter. I can feel your pain through your question, and it must be a terrible feeling.

Why the courts gave her father custody is beyond me. According to you, he has never been a good father and has treated her badly in the last few years.

Valid Concerns

I understand that you’re concerned about her having no supervision nor anyone to help her with her school work.

I also understand your concern that his home is in a rough area, and that the school is not very good. These are all valid stressors when it comes to thinking about your daughter living with her father.

Sister is obvious that you love your daughter very much. You sacrificed so many years and have given her a good upbringing concerning Islam, education, morals and values.

I know that it is very hard when the father is not really involved, or he is not a good father in terms of providing for her or guiding her down the right path.

However, I do know that the biggest blow to you right now is that you feel your daughter has rejected you.

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Feeling Rejected

I don’t know what precipitated your daughter and her father going to court to change custody. I’m not sure if you and your daughter are having disagreements at home, or if this was a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Please know sister, that the age of 14 is a very difficult age especially between mothers and daughters. Often mothers and daughters’ conflict at this age. It is normal.

It could be that her father has taken upon himself to use this as an advantage by having your daughter move in with him.

Or perhaps your daughter feels she will be happier there with more freedoms. Whatever the reason, know that despite this move, your daughter does love you very much.

Reality may be the Best Teacher

It is my feeling sister that once your daughter does move in with her father, a few things will happen. First, she will realize how much you did for her.

It appears that her father did not do much for her, nor will he do for her while she’s there either. She will realize this.


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She will have a lot more responsibilities. She will find that she does not have the love and support that she had at home.

I’m willing to bet that she will also have a hard time adjusting to the new school and generally, all thee factors will cause her to really examine her life insha’Allah.

I think this is experience will help her develop an appreciation for you as well as help her to gain a better perspective.

Insha’Allah, it may force her to examine what it is she truly wants out of life. Insha’Allah, she will realize all that you have done for her and sacrificed. Perhaps this is a wake-up call for her. Nothing happens but by Allah, and Allah knows best.

Conclusion

Please rest assured sister that your daughter loves you very much. Look at this as a temporary separation and something that your daughter needs to go through to learn, be more aware of what she does have, and appreciate her life in general. You are in our prayers.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

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Should I Divorce For the Sake of My Kids?

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.