How to Teach 10-Year-Old Son About “Commitment”?

17 January, 2021
Q Asalamu alaikum,

May Allah reward you all for all your efforts to the Muslim ummah. How to discipline a ten-year-old to be on his schedule whether it's his chores or his homework? He is a very good boy but I just can't get him to be on schedule.

If I take away anything he likes or gives him chores that he despises nothing changes. How can I also make him really love the Quran? I have three masjids one beats kids and one is careless about children and one doesn't have Quran classes and online is expensive for me.

How to increase his English vocabulary? How can I make him into a good writer? He is a fourth grader, he is good in math. How can I make him excellent in math? English is my second language.

He also doesn't have male role models and no one to look him to the masjids. I am thinking of homeschooling him next school year then he starting 5th grade.

His teacher says he plays in class too much because he is the first to finish everything and he doesn't have anything to keep him busy. I want him to be excellent and become the best. I don't want him to be a normal boy.

Also, I'm worried about his deen at school. I know my writing is all over there place but I really worry about my son. Please advice me. Thank you very much, May Allah reward you with better.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•You can begin by not putting too much pressure on him. Putting pressure on him, and punishing him will only make him have negative associations with these things. Instead, focus on the positives.

•Another useful tactic in discipline children is to give them some control. This makes them more likely to complete the task as they feel a part of it as opposed to obeying commands.

•These same principles can be applied in teaching him the Qur’an too. Reward him when he does a good job of reading when he independently picks up his Qur’an and practices son he has positive associations with the Qur’an.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister and ameen to your duas,

It sounds like you are going through a lot trying to raise your son in the best way, wanting what’s best for him, whilst trying to instill the love of Islam and Quran in him too.

Raising children is not easy! We all face one challenge or another and the ones you have listed here are yours. These are your tests. Rest assured you are far from alone. These are the very same struggles we all face.

Your best support first and foremost is prayer. Continue to pray to Allah to guide your son and to guide you in raising him in the best way.

Firstly, regarding trying to get your son to stick to his schedule, you can begin by not putting too much pressure on him.

Putting pressure on him, and punishing him will only make him have negative associations with these things and will only make him hate them and push him away from completing as to how you want him to. Instead, focus on the positives.

How to Teach 10-Year-Old Son About "Commitment"? - About Islam

Most children thrive on positive reinforcement, so instead of focusing on when he doesn’t stick to the schedule, reward him when he does. This way he will have positive associations with completing his chores to schedule and will be more likely to repeat the positive actions.


Check out this counseling video


Another useful tactic in discipline children is to give them some control. This makes them more likely to complete the task as they feel a part of it as opposed to obeying commands.

So, for example, you might tell him you want him to do a certain chore, but he can pick at what time he does it. Or, allow him to pick the chore and you to pick the time.

This way it becomes a more collaborative effort that involves him somehow, rather him feeling he is just being told what to do all the time which is the very thing that leads them to disobedience as a means to give themselves control over something they don’t.  Giving him that control prevent that from happening

These same principles can be applied in teaching him the Qur’an too. Reward him when he does a good job of reading when he independently picks up his Qur’an and practices son he has positive associations with the Qur’an.

If he abandons it or takes things lightly, rather than being too harsh and punishing be more gentle in your approach. Being harsh will only breed hate for the Qur’an and steer him away from it.

Regarding homeschooling, if this is the route you take then I would highly recommend joining some of the many support groups available. There are many face to face and online.

There you can meet with and chat with other homeschooling mums who will be able to advise based on their experiences.

You may also get the opportunity to meet with others in the same situation too which will be good for both you and your son, especially as a single mum where you may have less opportunities for these types of interactions.

May Allah reward your desire to be the best parent and raise your son on the straight path.

May He guide you and your son and may your son bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)