Actually, when I look at the books on the shelves and everything on children seems to be only for women. Women cannot stop talking about children while men hardly talk about children, I believe. As if they do not even care. When I meet my friends, we all talk about children stuff. But my husband never talks about it. It is all natural for him, but I want him to get prepared, I want him to be there and help me raising our children. What can I do with him?
In this counseling answer:
•It may be that he doesn’t want to talk about it because the thought of the pain you might go through and the challenges you might face raising the children makes him scared.
•He might believe that he is giving you all the support he can already. In this case, the first step would be to actually talk to him and let him know exactly how you actually want to be supported.
•Some of the best supports you can get are from your friends who may have children already or be planning to have them.
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,
It can feel very difficult when we don’t feel we have the support of our husbands, especially in matters that both husband and wife are involved in together such as having children. However, we must understand that men and women, whilst similar in some ways, are very different in others.
Remember that in an ideal world, the primary role of the wife in the family is to raise the children whilst the husband goes to work and provides the financial support for the family. These roles reflect the physical and mental make-up of each gender. Therefore, the woman naturally feels more inclined to talk about issues relating to childbirth and raising children, and this is why Allah (swt) has placed her in the position to be the one to give birth and not the man. So, if we look at things from a biological perspective only, we can see how our differences might make men, including your husband, behave in a way that seems like perhaps they are not so interested in the process of giving birth and raising children.
There are some other things to think of here, too. It may be that he doesn’t want to talk about it because the thought of the pain you might go through and the challenges you might face raising the children makes him scared. It might also be that he is so busy in his role at work that his thoughts are somewhat more distracted by how he can fulfill his role in providing financially for the family, and this might also be causing him anxiety. It, therefore, may be coming across like he doesn’t care, but actually, he does but in a totally different way.
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However, it must be understood that the way he shows that he does care does not feel like he does to you and you feel like you need his support at this crucial time of pregnancy. If you did not tell him that this is the way you feel, then it may be that he is simply not aware of the way you feel. He might believe that he is giving you all the support he can already. In this case, the first step would be to actually talk to him and let him know exactly how you actually want to be supported.
Also, remember that some of the best supports you can get are from your friends who may have children already or be planning to have them. They can be more empathic to how you feel as a woman and understand more about what you are going through.
In this regard, they could provide even more useful support in some ways than your husband could anyway. It may be that they have useful tips that they have learned along the way that they could inform you of to make your journey to motherhood a lot easier.
Another thing you might consider is to invite friends over with their own husbands and children so that your husband can have some kind of feel for what’s to come as well as giving him the opportunity to talk with other dads on the man’s side of things regarding having children.
This could open the doors for him to discuss his own concerns over matters that are more specific to what he might be facing as a man in the process. This may then make him more willing to talk with you on the issue also.
May Allah (swt) bring love and happiness to you and your husband and grant you a righteous child that will be the coolness and comfort of your eyes.
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