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My Daugther Says She Wants to Die

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 15, 2019

Question

My daughter tells me she hates herself, and she would rather be dead or wished she had not been born. I asked her if someone or something has been making her feel this way. She said no, it was in herself and cannot explain why she feels like this way. What should I do?

Counselor

Answer


My Daugther Says She Wants to Die - About Islam

In this counseling answer:

•Simply being there for her, supporting her, talking to her and being engaged in her life will let her know that she always has your support whatever it is she may be facing.

•Try not to push her to talk about what bothers her as this may push her away from you if she is not yet comfortable to talk about whatever is bothering her.

•In time, as the bond is built between you and she feels comfortable to open up and talk, then she will tell you. If there is genuinely nothing that she can pinpoint that makes her feel this way, simply being aware that you, as her mother, are there to support her will bring her a feeling of comfort and ease.


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

It can be very distressing for a mother to hear her daughter talk in such a way. Additionally, if she doesn’t feel there is any reason behind such thoughts or she is not willing to tell you, then this will leave you feeling helpless about how to help.

Your daughter is at an age that can be very challenging as she grows and matures and tries to find her place in the world. This can be a very confusing time and can often lead to negative thoughts such as those she has been having. There are other times so, when children of this age say such things as a means to get attention as they now enter an age where they become more independent and are treated less like a child and, therefore, come to miss the same kind of love and affection that they had as a younger child.

Now, suddenly they are at an age where they have to make decisions for themselves without someone doing everything for them, and this can be very daunting. These are not necessarily reasons why your daughter says the things she does, but are potential reasons, and are those that other girls at her age have been known to go through that might explain her own thoughts. On top of this, at the age of 12, her hormones play havoc as she enters into womanhood. This could also be affecting her thoughts in this way, too.


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Either way, there are several things you can do to help her through this. Firstly, turn to Allah (swt) and ask Him to help her through her difficult moments like this. As your daughter comes of age now, you might also be gently encouraging her to join you in prayer together or any activity that requires you to openly remember Allah (swt).

This will give her the opportunity to also build her relationship with Allah (swt) which will not only prepare her to become a strong Muslimah, close to her Creator but will give her the space to find comfort in remembering Him. This will help to ease her current sorrows and potentially view her situation from a more positive angle in the light being aware of Allah’s (swt) protection and mercy.

It will also help her to realize her true purpose in life and that there is no reason to hate herself if she continually remembers her ultimate purpose.

Aside from this, simply being there for her, supporting her, talking to her and being engaged in her life will let her know that she always has your support whatever it is she may be facing. Try not to push her to talk about what bothers her as this may push her away from you if she is not yet comfortable to talk about whatever is bothering her.

In time, as the bond is built between you and she feels comfortable to open up and talk, then she will tell you. If there is genuinely nothing that she can pinpoint that makes her feel this way, simply being aware that you, as her mother, are there to support her will bring her a feeling of comfort and ease.

It will make it easier for her to either open up to you if something does come to bother her or if there is nothing in particular, just to have someone to be with that she knows will love her and take care of her, regardless of such thoughts.

You could strengthen this bond and make it even easier to form naturally by doing things together you both love. I,f you do not share common interests, then make an effort to try something she loves and do it together whether it be something more physical like some kind of exercise, or something more at home like baking together or reciting the Qur’an together.

This will be good for your relationship as well as good for her own psychological health too which will be a big boost in helping her to overcome her difficult emotions. This will also help her to feel better about herself as she engages in useful activity and feels some sense of achievement which can do wonders to help people learn to love themselves again.

May Allah (swt) bring your daughter ease during these trying times, and may He (swt) make it easy for you to comfort and support her successfully. May He (swt) guide you both on the Straight Path.

Salam,

***

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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