My friend visited us with her 2-year-old daughter and my son went up to her and pinched and scratched her cheek real bad. Then a couple minutes later he bites her again..
Whenever there are other small children around, he is a bully and is either pinching, biting, or pushing, etc.
I don't know how to make him realize that this is bad behavior and how to stop him from doing this.
I get so angry and end up giving him a spanking and a time out. What to do and should I bite him back?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
โขAvoid rewarding the behavior in any way. If your child bites you, donโt laugh even if it doesnโt hurt.
โขItโs enough at this point to show himโby your faceโhow angry you are about this behavior.
โขTell him that he must not bite under any circumstances. โNo,โ said sharply, would be an appropriate response.
โขTry to avoid the physical punishment as much as you can because, for a child this age, punishing him for the behavior isnโt very effective at getting him to stop.
As-Salam โAlaykum sister,
May Allah bless you and your little son. Thanks to Allah that you are a mother. This means that Paradise is at your feet, as our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said,
โParadise is at the feet of the mother.โ
Your child is a gift from Allah and it is very important to carry a great responsibility in raising him physically, emotionally, religiously, and morally.
So you have to understand your child and why heโs biting. Your son is not a bad boy; some kids bite more than others, so donโt be overwhelmed or confused. Al-hamdu lillah, he is still very young and you can still instill manners in him.
First of all, sit with yourself and try to figure out the reasons behind the biting.
There are many reasons behind childrenโs biting:
-Perhaps he doesnโt understand that biting, pinching, and scratching are forbidden. This is just his way of rebelling.
-Maybe heโs trying a new way to get closer to you and to the childrenโs groups.
-He hasnโt learned how to communicate in other ways yet. He doesnโt have any verbal way to show his frustration. Physical activities are much easier, and a much more natural course, especially for a toddler. If another child takes his toy, he may react by hitting or biting.
-Some children feel they are endangered and bite in self-defense. Maybe, he is overwhelmed by his surroundings and bites as a means of regaining control.
-Changes happened in the family that affected him, such as the death of a grandparent or a mother returning to work.
-Perhaps he, like some children, experiences a strong need for autonomy and control.
-Biting is a powerful way to show other kids his weapon and how to hurt them with it.
-Maybe your child is under some kind of stress.
-Or he has a new playmate from whom he may be picking up this behavior.
So, just watch to see when and how your child bites. Maybe you will notice a pattern, too. If your son bites, remain calm and think about what the child experienced just before the incident.
I was facing the same problem with my son who is now 2-1/2 years old. He was a biter between about 1-1/2 and 2 years.
He used to bite me, his father, and the kids in the day care around his age, whether he was laughing and playing or angry and crying.
I didnโt know why this cute baby had become a biter, but I finally figured out that he wasnโt really trying to hurt me (or others) but that he just had a lot of feelings and thatโs how he expressed it.
When I saw him coming to bite me, I said โno biting, please hugโ or โletโs play or run togetherโ and he gradually cooperated.
Actually, we both learned because I had to learn to observe in order to help him put his energy in playing instead of biting.
Check out this counseling video
Now, how can you deal with your child when he bites?
โขAvoid rewarding the behavior in any way. If your child bites you, donโt laugh even if it doesnโt hurt.
โขItโs enough at this point to show himโby your faceโhow angry you are about this behavior.
โขTell him that he must not bite under any circumstances. โNo,โ said sharply, would be an appropriate response.
โขConvey to him immediately and clearly that biting isnโt acceptable. Heโs still too young for long explanations about why biting is bad.
โขTry to avoid the physical punishment as much as you can because, for a child this age, punishing him for the behavior isnโt very effective at getting him to stop.
โขDonโt spank or bite your child if he bites; his aggressive acts will stop when adults stop them.
โขHelp him learn to negotiate with words rather than by biting or pinching. Ask him to use the words to tell you what he needs.
โขHelp your child find more appropriate outlets for aggressive feelings and frustration, and encourage him to develop self-control.
โขIf your child bites your guestโs child, remove your child from the situation right away and help him to calm down so he learns to handle emotions differently next time.
Finally, I pray to Allah to bless your family and hope to hear again from you soon, in shaโ Allah.
Salam
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