Should I put him in the cot and keep reassuring him even though he's crying? His cot is in the same room with us, and is next to the bed, but he still insists on sleeping in our bed.
It's getting very squashy in the bed, and the little one likes his space so I'm sleeping uncomfortably. My sister and brother in law live with me, and when I try and put him in the cot he cries non-stop and so they take him to his room.
They have no children yet, so they can't understand that I'm doing it for his best interest. I don't want to see my child cry, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. How can I deal with this situation?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Babies sleep better because they feel safe and secure next to their mother.
•Mothers sleep better because the baby cries less, nursing is easier, and the baby goes to sleep faster and easier.
•Bonding between parents and child improves significantly.
•Children who co-sleep with their parents generally have a healthier attitude towards sleep and may experience fewer sleep disorders in the future.
•Sharing sleep with your baby may also help him become more self-confident and independent
As salamu ‘alaykum,
Child separation from his parents is going to happen whether sooner or later, the issue is when and more importantly how. It is considered as a type of psychological weaning that occurs after being weaned from breastfeeding.
The psychological impact of both types sometimes affect the mother more than her child as she begins to feel that he doesn’t need her as he did before, so let the child’s welfare comes first.
Why the Separation?
- An important step in his psychological development.
- Gives him a feeling of independence.
- Allows him for a small though important piece of freedom, which is a step to fitting in the wider world waiting for him.
- Teaches him a responsibility to tidy and keep his place clean.
- Preserves the sacred image of parents, so as not to see them in an inappropriate way, that could be stored in his subconscious and may later affect his personality and his view to them as role models.
Another very important reason, is to keep the intimacy between the husband and wife, not only the physical intimacy though important, but the talk, the laugh, the whisper, the touch, even taking opinions for what happened during the day.
Sometimes we change suddenly from husband and wife to just mother and father, in fact we are both and we need to keep it that way for the benefit of the whole family including the children:
“Your Lord has a right on you, your soul has a right on you, and your family has a right on you; so you should give the rights of all those who has a right on you.” (Bukhari 31: 189)
It is also a way of disciplining them. Everything has a rule, mum and dad has a place and the children have another, there is a place to play and other to eat and third to take a bath.
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Separation, When?
There are two opposite groups in this issue each is defending his own opinion.
The first party says it is okay to leave him beside you even when he is ten or eleven, their reasons are:
- Babies sleep better because they feel safe and secure next to their mother, because they are more relaxed, and because their needs are met more quickly
- Mothers sleep better because the baby cries less, nursing is easier, and the baby goes to sleep faster and easier (allowing the mother to get more sleep)
- Bonding between parents and child improves significantly (especially important for parents who work and do not get to spend much time with their baby during the day)
- Some research shows a lower incidence of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) with babies who sleep with their parents.
- Children who co-sleep with their parents generally have a healthier attitude towards sleep and may experience fewer sleep disorders in the future.
- Sharing sleep with your baby may also help him become more self-confident and independent (contrary to what many people think).
America’s “let them cry” attitude toward children may lead to more fears and anxieties as they become adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers.
They add: “We’ve stressed independence so much that it’s having some very negative side effects, and instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry and bring them to bed with them, where they’ll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry.
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The Opposite View:
- The child should sleep in his own bed from the second month, as he is born not knowing what is fear, darkness, and separation until we teach him these things by letting him sleep beside us for a long time then removing him to his own room.
- The sooner the separation the less problems you will face, as he will grow up knowing that this is the normal place for him to sleep in.
- Early separation teaches him independence and he will grow to a more mature and responsive man.
- Children are subjected to overlaying by a parent, sibling or adult while sharing the bed.
Safe Sleep Recommendations:
-Infants and toddlers should sleep on firm clean surfaces, in the absence of smoke, under light (comfortable) blanketing. Their heads should never be covered.
-The bed should not have any stuffed animals or pillows around the infant.
-An infant should never be placed to sleep on top of a pillow.
-Sheepskins or other fluffy material, and especially bean bag mattresses, should never be used.
-Water beds can be dangerous. The mattress should always tightly fit within the bed frame.
-Infants and toddlers should never sleep on couches or sofas, with or without adults. They can slip down into the crevices or get wedged against the back of a couch.
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