Daughter gets a lot of care from me, or from her grandmother when I am at work, yet she gets nervous whenever I take something from her.
She screams hysterically and gets very nervous, although nobody gets angry with her.
All of us try to calm her down when she reaches that state, but as soon as she stops crying, she starts doing dangerous actions again; she cries again if we interfere and she even bites and hits.
We try to distract her and draw her attention to something else, but to no avail.
She is like this all day long. Shall I start to punish her? How should I deal with such a stubborn child?
Please help.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Choose the right food for your child and cut down on too much sweets and sugar, try to feed your child organic and natural food.
•Fill your child’s time with positive educational material and activities such as storytelling and role-playing. This will help attract the child’s attention and also add positively to the child’s education.
•Teach your child to share and not be selfish. You can do that by allowing your child to play for a short while with other children’s toys and then take them away.
•Don’t ever allow a child to scream uncontrollably or hit an adult or become out of control without a proper punishment.
•Introduce a daily routine in your child’s life: Children must sleep early and for a good time in order for their nervous system and their body to benefit from sleep.
As-salamu `alaykum.
Thank you my dear sister for your trust in us and for your question that we consider a common problem for many of us these days.
Children are capable of perceiving and understanding everything in their environment from very young age.
Parents have an important obligation to shape their children’s behavior before it is too late.
What I mean here by too late is relative to the child’s age range. We also have to understand that each and every period of a child’s life requires a different style of handling and we will touch on that later on.
So, if we don’t apply the right method of upbringing in the right age range, it becomes too late to use it in later years. That is why it is crucial to educate rather than to remedy.
As for your daughter, she finds crying the easiest and most successful way (from her perspective) to get things done.
We must understand that children are intelligent (from a very young age) and they know how to achieve what they want but they don’t comprehend the suitability of what they want.
People almost always think that children do not cry on purpose but they cry because they don’t know any other way to express themselves.
This understanding contradicts all studies and research, as young children actually know what they want but can’t distinguish between what is good (beneficial) and what is bad (hazardous).
Therefore, children know that crying is the most successful way of attracting attention and, consequently, attending to their needs and requirements (such as acquiring desirable objects).
That is evident in your daughter’s approach; she cries if you don’t give her what she wants and she cries more until you fulfill her requirements.
There is also another misconception about what we call “nervous children.” No child is born completely nervous or completely calm but there are several things that can influence the degree of a child’s nervousness, such as
Food. There are types of food that can make children hyperactive and unsettled, such as an excess of sweets, chocolate, and sugar. Some families also let their children drink tea as they claim that a little tea is useful for their health and does no harm—another misconception.
Recreation and entertainment. Some toys have excessively loud sounds which increase children’s tendencies to being nervous.
Balanced playtime and educational time. It is very important to maintain a good balance in our homes between children’s playtime and educational time.
We should start educating our children from the age of six months (with what is suitable for their perception at that age).
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Some families leave their children to play 100 percent of the time, which makes children bored with their toys and so they look for other objects (potentially hazardous) to play with.
Providing all that children ask for. Another major problem is when families provide almost everything that their children ask for, immediately and without a valid reason.
Different styles of upbringing. Some children experience inconsistent styles of upbringing from different members of the family (grandparents versus parents).
Absence of daily routine. Major disruption of sleep time (going to bed late), children sleeping out of their beds (with parents, for example), and children insisting on eating and drinking from specific items, or insisting on what they want.
Below, are the remedies for the above problems:
-Choose the right food for your child and cut down on too much sweets and sugar, try to feed your child organic and natural food.
Here is a little trick you can try, slice some fruit on a little plate and put it on your child’s table, then get a small artificial plant and put your child’s name on some leaves, then, when one piece of fruit is eaten (or a cup of milk is drunk), place a leaf on the plant with your child’s name on it—let your child stick the leaves on the plant.
-Fill your child’s time with positive educational material and activities such as story telling and role playing.
This will help attract the child’s attention and also add positively to the child’s education. Also, encourage painting (any shapes) and hang the paintings in the bedroom.
-Teach your child to share and not be selfish. You can do that by allowing your child to play for a short while with other children’s toys and then take them away—even if your child cries afterwards.
-Agree on a consistent method of treating your child, for example, if a child is punished by the father, the mother will not interfere and try not to defend the child without knowing the situation, and vice versa.
Don’t ever allow a child to scream uncontrollably or hit an adult or become out of control without a proper punishment.
You must take a stance by (for example) not giving the child what he or she likes or put the child in bed until the tantrum stops.
-Introduce a daily routine in your child’s life: Children must sleep early and for a good time in order for their nervous system and their body to benefit from sleep.
Be complacent in the face of a child’s insistence and nervousness. Don’t pay much attention if your child cries over trivial things such as wanting to take a specific toy to bed.
Remember to be firm but kind with your child. Remember that children may have to be punished by taking some toys away from them or putting them in bed for a while, a little gentle smack, and so on.
Salaams,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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