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I Got a Baby Before Marriage

28 October, 2021
Q Asalam alaikum.

I pray this message finds you well and may Allah swt reward you for the kind, non-judgmental support you are providing for Muslims across the world.

I am a revert and have been struggling with my faith and loneliness since leaving an abusive marriage two years ago. I met someone who seemed so genuine and unfortunately due to my weak faith at the time we committed a sin within the boundaries of Islam.

I am not proud of it. This man promised me marriage, promised to be my mahram, and read my funeral prayers if anything happened to me in the future, and said he would support me throughout any hardships in life.

I found out I was pregnant and was devastated and remorseful, however, I felt that abortion is a huge sin in Islam and wouldn’t improve my relationship with Allah, so I decided to keep the baby and raise him as a righteous Muslim and servant of Allah.

I understand how pure and beautiful babies are in Islam and sincerely pray he will bring me closer to Allah and I can raise him to be a gentle human being.

I have sincerely repented got back on track with my prayers, and I plan on joining back at my revert group at the mosque when the baby is a little bit older. I asked the father for a nikkah as soon as I found out and have tried my best to encourage us to move forward in a halal way and raise our son Islamically.

He at first blocked me after I refused an abortion and had some family members staying with him that were trying to pressure him into an arranged marriage. He has caused me a lot of emotional pain but I forgave him.

He said he would keep the baby as a secret from his family and keep me as a secret which has hurt me so much at the same time he said he would support with his son learning about the deen. His family do not know and he said he would be a good role model for not telling them.

He has a child from a previous marriage who he rarely sees and it seems he divorced her when she was pregnant so I am worried our children will grow up to think lying is ok in Islam and be hurt when they eventually find out.

I do not think this man will be in my child’s life although he has financial obligations under the law, I pray he will be in some way as I feel it will be beneficial for my child in this life and the hereafter if he has a father to teach him about Islam and shouldn’t be punished for his father’s mistakes.

My question is how do I move forward? My baby is due any day now and I am very tired of dealing with the emotional and physical pains of pregnancy. I would like my baby to have an aqiqah and preferably his father’s name as I was bullied for my surname at school.

I feel heartbroken at times that I don’t have a wali to communicate on my behalf and feel that if I was from a Muslim family he would have stepped up to his responsibilities and spoken to my father. He said in Islam it’s too late to get married now because you are already pregnant, but I believe Allah is kind and forgiving.

I pray that Allah rewards you for your kindness and I ask you to keep my little baby in your duas.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

Questions such as those about naming the baby, the aqiqah, and all the practices performed around the baby’s birth should be addressed by a scholar.

There are ways to make amends for this, both internally in terms of repentance on both parts, but also externally in terms of making things halal.

Don’t be afraid to turn to them for support.

Engage in plenty of self-care!

Make it clear to him what you want from him too so that you can come up with a solution that works for all the best as possible.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

I am very sorry to read about your difficult scenario and the struggles you are facing at this late stage in pregnancy. May Allah protect you and keep you strong.

You have committed sins, but you know that and you are living with the pain and the consequences. Everyone makes some mistake or another at some point. We are human and we all do this. You are not alone.

Alhamdulillah, that you are aware of this and clearly very repentant for your mistakes. You are doing all the right things, Alhamdulillah. To continue with this. Always turn to Allah, take your problems to Him, pray for His forgiveness and guidance in all matters, and surely He will continue to guide and protect you.

Get scholarly advice

Many of the questions you have posed here (and have been deleted due to its irrelevancy to our counseling section – the editor) are those that I would strongly suggest you get scholarly advice on as I’m not qualified to answer such questions. Questions such as those about naming the baby, the aqiqah, and all the practices performed around the baby’s birth.

In sha Allah, you will be advised of perfect solutions to all these matters that are in line with Islam and best for you and your baby. However, I can certainly help to advise on the emotional and psychological matters that you face.

It is unfortunate that this man wants to keep everything a secret, both you and the baby. This could be very destructive to both you and the baby. I believe that this may also be a reflection that he also understands that what happened between you was wrong. However, at the same time, you are now pregnant, and you cannot hide this.

Internal and external repentance

There are ways to make amends for this, both internally in terms of repentance on both parts, but also externally in terms of making things halal. Again, this would be something to get solid scholarly advice on. If it is possible that you can wed and this is what you both want, then you should and he needs to step up to the responsibilities as a husband and father.

If you are confident that he can and will do that, then go ahead. Or, if he is not sure and/or neither are you then perhaps give it a certain period of time before deciding what to do next. If he is not serious after some months, then perhaps it is time that you move on and not allow yourself and your baby to be messed around anymore for the sake of your health and wellbeing.

Either way, Alhamdulilah that you have the support of your family around you.

Whether you do make the relationship work and get married or not, your family will provide you with the support that you need at this time.

Don’t be afraid to turn to them for support. Having a baby is a really tough (but rewarding) job, especially if you have to do it without the father’s presence, so their support will be very beneficial for you.

Again, either way, whether you and he move forward together or apart, it is very important that you take care of yourself. This will also make it easier for you to deal with any other difficulties you face.

Engage in plenty of self-care!

Be with people who make you happy and do the things you love to do! Eat well and take advantage of the time when friends and family reach out to help with the baby.

Take advantage of those moments to just rest without feeling guilty. Spend time outdoors getting some gentle exercise (with the pushchair when you’re recovered from childbirth and baby is here). Do something that you’ve always wanted to do but not had the chance to yet.

Join mother and baby groups (both online and face to face where possible) to mix with other mummies going through the same struggles of new motherhood.

All these things will help to boost your emotional and physical well-being and place you in a better position to deal more rationally with the situation with the father of your baby.

Give him space to think things through for himself too and decide what he really wants. Make it clear to him what you want from him too so that you can come up with a solution that works for all the best as possible.

You might try to encourage him to have this discussion with you with a mutual party present, either a counselor or even better, an Imam who will be able to listen and advise in a way that is in line with Islam.

May Allah guide you to what is best for you and your baby and most pleasing to Him. May He grant you a safe delivery and a healthy baby who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)