How to Improve Interpersonal Skills When I Talk Too Much?

10 November, 2018
Q Assalam alaykum! I am a student and I am kind of trying to improve my interpersonal skills. I talk excessively, have anger issues, get depressed. I feel my iman is very low. How do I get closer to Allah? Also, I want to learn and understand Quran, Hadith, Fiqh, Seerah but I don't know where to start. I don't even understand Arabic plus my studies. How do I get to the point where my intention for doing everything becomes for the sake of Allah? Please suggest me something. Jazak Allahu khairan kaseera


Short Answer:  Excessive talking without the Remembrance of Allah hardens the heart. Nothing softens the hearts like the remembrance of Allah, as by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured. Ask Allah, sincerely, and He will respond. Engage with the Quran and with the purification of your heart. Make your intentions for His sake and He surely will open doors for you.


Walaykum AsSalam waRahmat Allah, Dear Sister,

Thank you so much for contacting us with your question.

We’ll do our best to explain, to answer and provide possible means for help, insha’Allah (God willing.)

Excessive Talking Hardens the Heart

You mentioned that you talk excessively, and the Prophet of Allah (peace and blessings upon him) said:

“Do not indulge in excessive talk except when remembering Allah. Excessive talking without the Remembrance of Allah hardens the heart, and those who are the farthest from Allah are those whose hearts are hard.” [At-Tirmidhi]

You also mentioned that you feel depressed, and Allah Almighty says:

“And whoever turns away from My remembrance – indeed, he will have a depressed life…” [Quran 20:124]

So, subhanAllah, your situation is perfectly described in the Quran and Sunnah.

If we engage in excessive talking without remembering Allah as much in all these talks, then our hearts will experience hardness.

We will feel distant from Him because we are obviously not allowing our hearts to engage with Him enough.

Accordingly, this will lead to experiencing low iman as you mentioned.

How to Soften Hard Hearts?

Nothing softens the hearts like the Words of the Creator of these hearts.

Allah says,

“Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Quran 13:28)

And in the Book of Allah, He taught us from the very beginning, from Surat Al-Fatiha (The Opening) to seek His Help, because no one can help us and no one can benefit except if He wills.

He taught us to say:

“It is You we worship and You we ask for help. Guide us to the straight path” (Quran 1: 5-6)

1- So, ask Allah, sincerely, and He will respond. This is the first and most crucial step.

Seek the opportunity of the month of Ramadan and make duaa to Allah earnestly to mend all your affairs, and He will! Allah never closes the doors of guidance to anyone who seeks Him.

2- Then, engage with His Book.

Not knowing Arabic is not a problem at all. Even Arabic speakers still need to study the Quran.

It is an ocean of knowledge and beauty that never ends.

There are plenty of online resources in English that can help you understand the Quran.

For example, there is the Bayyinah YouTube channel where you will find plenty of free videos that beautifully explain verses of the Quran.

You can spend an hour or so daily to listen to some of these videos and fill your heart with light and knowledge from the Book of Allah.

There is a series called ‘Amazed by the Quran’ series where you can find short videos covering beautiful gems from each chapter of the Quran.

3- Another important piece of advice here is to engage in the purification of the heart.

You can purchase (or download) a book on the Purification of the Heart to understand what the heart diseases are from an Islamic point of view and start working on these issues in your life.

This will be a very enlightening journey.

You can find the book by Ibn Al Qayyim Al Jawziyah for example, and it is available online in English.

Other resources:

Purification of the soul by Mufti Ismail Ibn Musa Menk

Purification of The Soul by Abdur-Raheem McCarthy

The Process of Tazkiyah (purification) by Br. Yusha Evans

4- In regard to studying, you can seek a trustworthy institute near where you live.

There are plenty of institutes and their timings should be flexible to accommodate professionals and students like offering nigh sessions or recorded lectures …etc.

If this is not an option, then you can enroll in the Islamic Online University for free. It is suitable for your case.

They can teach you Arabic as well as Islamic studies.

The education system is very flexible and you can watch the lectures whenever you are free.

5- Lastly, fixing our intentions is something that should be easy.

It is simply being truthful at heart that you want to please Allah or do good things for His sake.

So, you simply have a moment of honesty with yourself before every action to dedicate it to Allah.

Like Allah taught us “Say, “Indeed, my prayer, my rites of sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the worlds.” (6:162)

This is a general intention for all our lives, then we can renew our intention every day.

You can easily remember that if you recite the morning and evening adhkar.

Improve Interpersonal Skills

One main advice here is to seek to do what Allah loves because then, He will love you and facilitate your affairs and place for you acceptance in the hearts of His slaves.

The Messenger of Allah, (peace and blessings upon him) said:

“When Allah loves a slave, He calls Jibril (Gabriel) and says: ‘I love so-and-so; so love him.’ And then Jibril loves him. Then he (Jibril) announces in the heavens saying: Allah loves so-and-so; so love him; then the inhabitants of the heavens (the angels) also love him, and then people on earth love him. And when Allah hates a slave, He calls Jibril and says: ‘I hate so-and-so, so hate him.’ Then Jibril also hates him. He (Jibril) then announces amongst the inhabitants of heavens: ‘Verily, Allah hates so-and-so, so you also hate him.’ Thus they also start to hate him. Then he becomes the object of hatred on the earth also.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

In a previous answer, we addressed who and what Allah loves.

You can read this answer and try to seek the easy and feasible opportunities Allah opens for us to earn His love, like constant tawbah (repentance) for example.

So, seek the month of Ramadan to make tawbah, renew your intention and ask Allah for help, and He surely will open doors for you.

I hope this helps.

Salam and please keep in touch.

(From Ask About Islam archives)

Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:

Combating Spiritual Diseases of the Heart

Accepting Islam: From Heart to Tongue

Importance of Intentions in the Revival of Hearts