Salaam alaikum my sister, and thank you for reaching out to us.
I am very sorry that you are feeling so discouraged in your search for a spouse.
Speaking from experience, it is definitely a challenge trying to find the right person with whom you will share your life.
I have some suggestions that may be helpful for you.
Finding a High Quality Spouse
Allah illustrates the nature of the relationship between spouses in this beautiful ayah:
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (Quran 30:21)
Based off this verse, three characteristics we should look for and expect in a spouse are that they bring us tranquillity and show us affection and mercy.
There is no set standard for what constitutes these attributes; what one person finds affectionate may be a turn-off for someone else, and one person’s definition of tranquillity may look quite different from another person’s.
Regardless of these technical differences, what matters is that spouses feel happy, loved, and safe around each other.
Know Yourself, Love Yourself
In order to find someone who will make you feel happy, loved, and safe, it is important that you know yourself, what you like, and what you value.
It sounds like you already have a list of criteria that you want your spouse to fulfill, such as having taqwa, being serious about their practice of Islam, and being educated. These are all great standards to have.
Along with standards, it is also important to know your “deal-breakers”, or things that you will not accept at all (e.g. a man who doesn’t want children may be a deal-breaker for some women who do want children, or a man not allowing their wife to have a job outside the home).
Oftentimes women are criticized for having standards or knowing what they want when looking for a spouse; they are called “too picky” or “too demanding”.
I disagree with this, because knowing what is important to you and being firm in your convictions is a crucial part of taking control of your own well-being in life.
At the same time, while it is good to have standards, it is also good to be open to people that may not meet all of them.
For example, you may find a man that is very kind, respectful, and a practicing Muslim, but doesn’t have the same level of education as you.
It may be worthwhile to overlook that if in every other way he seems to be the right person for you.
Racism is NOT Allowed in Islam
I was very saddened to read that you were rejected by a man’s family because of the color of your skin, and your statement that women with your complexion are considered ugly.
The behavior of this man’s mother was totally against the teachings of the Qur’an and our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).
And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge. (Quran 30:22)
Allah also says:
O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted. (Quran 49:13)
Differences in humans, including race and skin color, is one of the Signs of Allah, and to suggest that some races or skin colors are superior to others is directly going against the Words and Wisdom of Allah.
One’s skin color is never ugly, but the racism and colorism that is so pervasive throughout the world is ugly indeed.
A person who believes that you are somehow inferior or less beautiful because of your skin color is not worthy of being your husband; you (and indeed everyone) deserve someone who will respect and cherish you for who you are.
Beg Allah for the Best Spouse
Continue to make du’a that Allah grants you a wonderful spouse, and ask Allah for help in finding that person.
As discouraging as it is to continuously look and not find anyone, have faith and hope that Allah will bring exactly the right person into your life, even if it takes a while.
Praying salat al-istikhara can help you make a decision about potential spouses. May Allah bless you always and grant you the best in this life and the Hereafter, Ameen!
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