Answer
In this counseling answer:
“I kindly suggest sister that you ask him to approach his parents to end the engagement and future marriage to this girl and state his intention to marry you. If needed, provide him with proofs to support his case. Give him a time frame to do this in and cut off the relationship, asking him to let you know when a decision has been reached by him, or a resolution with his parents. ”
As-Salamu ’Alaykum sister,
I can hear the depth of your pain and anguish, dear sister. I can imagine this is breaking your heart. In many cases, arranged marriages work out fine, and in other cases, they do not. As you and this boy already have some kind of relationship (I am hoping it is halal), and you both hoped to marry, this arranged marriage has complicated things.
While your friend wants to please his parents, he cannot be forced to marry anyone, nor should he be. There are many hadiths regarding marriage and how to choose a right spouse. The Prophet said according to this hadith,
“There is nothing like marriage, for two who love one another.” (Ibn Majah)
and
“A girl came to the Prophet and said: ‘My father married me to his brother’s son so that he might raise his status thereby.’ The Prophet gave her the choice, and she said: ‘I approve of what my father did, but I wanted women to know that their fathers have no right to do that.” (Ibn Majah)
Islamically, choice of a marriage partner is a right. In order for you and your “friend” to get married, there really is nothing much you can do. He has to do it. It will be up to him to sit with his parents and discuss the fact that he does not want to marry this girl, but he has found someone else whom he wishes to marry. It is between him and his parents right now.
The best thing you can do at this point in sha’ Allah is to cut off the relationship with this boy. Explain to him that you do want to marry him, but he needs to address the issue with his parents. Advise him that you wish to marry him and that you will wait (choose a time frame-i.e. 6 months) for him to get his affairs in order with his parents and this arranged marriage situation straightened out. You may want to send him hadiths and verses from the Qur’an to support the fact that marriage should not be forced in Islam so he can share with his parents.
Often times, however, cultural practices take the place of Islamic values and guidelines when it comes to marriage. However, ultimately we should follow what is for us in the Qur’an. There is, of course, much wisdom in that guidance. This is especially true if there is a situation that involves a conflict of the heart or mind.
Also, as they are his parents, he may feel obligated to marry whom they have for him. However, again, it is his choice who he marries. It will also be his choice if he does choose to address this, or if he will just comply to keep the peace and marry her.
In sha’ Allah, sister, give him a time frame and ask him to contact you when things are set for you both to marry so he can approach your parents. It would be at this time, and this time only that you would meet his parents and discuss your intentions. If he does not feel he can do this, there is not much you can do.
I kindly suggest sister that you ask him to approach his parents to end the engagement and future marriage to this girl and state his intention to marry you. If needed, provide him with proofs to support his case. Give him a time frame to do this in and cut off the relationship, asking him to let you know when a decision has been reached by him, or a resolution with his parents.
Sister, cutting off the relationship right now is important. It will prevent haram from happening as well as start to prepare you for a possible loss if he decides he has to marry her and cannot confront his parents.
Additionally, his parents may not respect you if they find out you have been seeing him all along, especially now that he is engaged. Should he successfully plead his case and his parents want to meet you, it would look good for you in a respectable way if they know you two were not in contact. This would also increase their favor towards you, in sha’ Allah.
I kindly suggest that in the meantime while you are awaiting a response you busy yourself with positive activities such as going out with your Muslim sisters, going to the gym, taking a course in something that interests you as well as engaging yourself in Islamic community activities such as charity, volunteering and studying. These will serve to raise your spirits; help you stop thinking about him constantly as well as lifting your faith.
Make du’aa’ to Allah. For as we know, what is meant for us in this life will not pass us by.
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
