Answer
Answer:
Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salam S,
My heart goes out to you. You are being challenged by your situation to move forward into a very deep path of spirituality. The suggestion that I provide to you might seem very difficult at first, but my own heart believes this to be the solution.
What we know about life here in this “lower” manifest world is that we cannot force any change with our own will without suffering unpleasant and/or undesired consequences. Our “lower nature” will pull us into believing that if we change something external to ourselves, that we will get the results that we want. However, this is never the case.
With that said, we strive to achieve a place within our own heart and in our “here now” experience where we accept what is. It is from this place where we can make internal changes including shifts of focus and perceptions. These internal changes may or may not influence our external circumstances for the better. They do guide us to behaviors that will increase the probability that whatever external changes have a potential for changing for the better will actually change as we hope.
The internal changes also increase our ability to not only tolerate distress, but to transform our distress into a new way of moving, living, breathing, and having our being that brings to our hearts a new kind of peace. We cannot change the past, but our own personal future will definitely change in one way or another. This is because nothing remains the same – all conditions change.
We cannot control your husband’s behaviors, desires, mind or heart. Time will give you the wisdom to know how to approach your husband to receive what you need for your care and the care of your daughters, and this addresses your material needs. Rather than focusing on what the other wives receive in material sustenance, take the approach to determine if you are receiving what you need and think through ways in which you might approach this issue to increase the probability that your husband will meet your needs. If your material needs are not being met, then you must reach out to whatever appropriate resources are available to you so that you can adequately meet your own needs and the needs of your daughters.
Take an honest inventory of what you need rather than focusing on being treated equally. Yes, it is true the men are instructed to treat their wives equally, but if we focus on the injustices of this world, we will lose our focus of our own personal spiritual path – and our spiritual journey is more important that the former. The day when everyone is more focused on their spiritual path is the day when everyone will receive all of their needs easily, and we will have peace among all humanity. This is our work.
Now, we have addressed your material needs, we must also take care of our emotional needs as they are very real, indeed. Your situation presents to us an environment where it is unlikely that you will be receiving emotional support from your husband. You may feel unloved, unwanted, or abandoned. Rather than focusing on how it is wrong for your husband to treat you this way (and yes, it is wrong), focus on what you can do to get those needs met in a healthy and appropriate manner, lacking your husband’s attention and affection.
This leads to a very deep spiritual path. Why? Because the only way to satisfy the longing to be filled, especially if our husband does not have the spiritual capacity to love us as we need to be loved. Thus, seek union with Allah through prayer. Make every action you do during your day for the sake of Allah. Seek to “be” in this “consciousness” more and more by slowly easing yourself into a deeper spiritual practice. This is where you will find the comfort that you seek, and you will also find the guidance that you need.
With that said, consider joining a group of women, if this is available to you, where you can make good friendships and alleviate the feeling that you are alone in this world. I cannot in good conscience recommend that you do anything that would put you at risk of losing your daughters. If you turn to Allah for your source of spiritual and emotional and even physical wellbeing, you will see shift in your material world take place as well. This usually happens in very subtle ways at first, but over time, all of the little changes add up to an overall change in conditions that will bring you closer to a place of contentment. Indeed, we are all headed for this journey eventually. When our life circumstances are so extreme that there is nowhere else to turn, consider this to be a sign from Allah’s Universe to you that it is time to work on making this shift. There really isn’t any other answer.
“I put my trust in Allah, my Lord and your Lord! There is not a moving (living) creature but He has grasp of its forelock. Verily, my Lord is on the Straight Path (the truth).” (Quran 11: 56)
May Allah (swt) make things easy for you,
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