He spends most of his time at home and does not really disrespect me; however, I work full-time and spend all my salary on the house, the boys, the car loans (including his car), and have nothing left in the bank at the end of the month. As a consequence, I depend on my father for extras. I cannot bear to live like this anymore. I have sexual needs and cannot look elsewhere. He won’t divorce me, and I am scared of what he would do if I left him. The only way I can talk to him is through religion, and I need to know what to say to him. I am a firm believer nonetheless very tired morally and physically. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• 15 years and 3 children later, I doubt that your husband isn’t sexually attracted to you. It sounds like a matter of wanting something new.
• If you feel that you can work on your marriage, work on it. Salvaging a marriage is a big deal in our religion, but not to the point of oppression.
• I would encourage you to seek marriage counseling.
• If you decide to leave, see a therapist and discuss your fears if you leave.
As-Salaamu ’Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for your question. Forgive me if my biases scream out in this answer. So, your husband does not support you financially, emotionally, psychologically or even sexually.
He won’t give you a divorce and won’t fulfill your needs, but he would use a religious ‘ruling’ and get a second wife. In his mind, what are you supposed to do? Does he understand that women have needs and rights, or does he think that women are only meant to serve men and have no needs? How does your husband contribute to the marriage and the household?
I understand that he treats you with respect and is generally kind. That’s great otherwise I’d really question his character. But what is your relationship? 15 years and 3 children later, I doubt that your husband isn’t sexually attracted to you. It sounds like a matter of wanting something new. It also sounds as if he has been able to get everything for free out of the relationship. Of course, he would never leave you. From your question, he seems to be a freeloader.
The ruling of polygamy is a tricky one as it has to be taken with the context, and there are many different opinions on its validity today. Even if we, for the sake of argument, assume it is completely valid, what does Islam say about polygamy in the face of heartache to your first wife? In your context, no reputable scholar would say that your husband is correct in treating you this way.
Islam isn’t a religion of hard and fast rules. Many women are brought up to focus on these because it helps insecure men control them. This may be an outrageous statement for many, but our religion and its rules aren’t meant to control people. The rules are meant as guidelines for people to consult when there is disagreement. But if a relationship boils down to rules and regulations, then that relationship is dead.
Relationships Are Based on Love
Relationships are not based on rules; they are based on love, consideration, and a genuine desire for the other person to be happy. When our partner does things to make us upset, our first point of intervention should be to appeal to their hearts, not their interpretation of rules. If, however, bids to communicate on the premise that we’ve been hurt fall to deaf ears, then one may turn to shariah, hoping their dedication to faith will inspire some care.
Shariah, however, cannot be implemented fairly in the absence of care for the other. Law, by its nature, is cold. Shariah is also cold because it is a legal system.
However, the only time it actually works is when care and humanity are brought into it. What people don’t realize is when the shariah is brought in to settle a dispute, the underlying sentiment is that the other will hold fast to a higher moral code. I find, however, that people who can disregard the pain they cause others to have a difficult time holding fast to a higher moral code.
Your husband may be in his right to go get a second wife. Does this mean that you should accept it, not be hurt by it, and even like it? No. If you feel that you can work on your marriage, work on it. Salvaging a marriage is a big deal in our religion, but not to the point of oppression. Sexual chemistry can be re-created and often has to be after people spend so many years together. If he is closed to the idea, then it is quite sad. I am not a fan of divorce, but I do realize that it often has its place.
I would encourage you to see a therapist discuss your fears if you leave. If they are safety concerns, then I’d be questioning your safety in the marriage. If your husband is the kind of person you feel he is, he may be willing to seek marriage counseling. I hope things work out for you.
May Allah help you,
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