What shall I do? Please guide me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- If you had a good marriage before, still love each other, and believe in a common future, it will be easier to heal. But if your marriage was unstable, this event may force you to question your relationship at its core, and work on other issues as well.
- Betrayal is a sound reason for divorce in Islam, this case, what you will need to see is how to end this marriage the best way possible.
Assalamu alaykom, sister,
Thank you for your question.
You say that you came to know that your husband is having an affair. At that moment, he told you that it was over. But two months later, you realized that this was not the case because the police had to intervene between them, and he was accused of coercive behavior. You feel really bad about this situation, and you would like to know what you can do.
Sister, I’m so sorry to hear that.
First of all, I want you to know that you are not responsible for his actions and choices. It is not your fault that he lied to you and hid his affair. Whatever happened between you two prior to that, each of you have an active choice on how to deal with that.
Lost Trust
Of course, in situations of betrayal, trust can be totally lost or shattered. Especially because, after the discovery, he told something, and it turned out to be untrue, which just keeps undermining his credibility. And understandably, this makes you feel disrespected even more.
One question is, how was your relationship prior to that? Did you have conflict or some issues? Do you think you have a solid ground to rebuild your marriage after this?
Also, have you tried to understand what this whole thing means to you?
I’m not sure but you may experience a variety of feelings, such as anger, sadness, disappointment, and many others right now. Probably all these are valid responses to a situation like this. Getting in touch with your emotions can help you to find clarity about what you want and can do with this marriage.
At this point, I really recommend seeking support. If you have friends or family members who can stand by you, reach out to them. And seeking a counselor would be useful to understand what this betrayal means to you and how to deal with it.
I think you have several options, for example.
One option is to try to see whether you can continue this relationship after what happened.
A rupture like this most likely will require serious work from both of you. From his side, it has to be more than a promise. His commitment has to manifest in actions as well.
To move on from this together, he has to recognize his mistake, show accountability for what he did. He should be able to understand and accept its emotional impact on you. And of course, he should give you time to gain your trust back with consistent transparency, and truthfulness.
Alongside his work, you will also have to work on yourself to be able to build trust again and trust in your own senses. Trust that you can distinguish a real threat from a perceived one from now onwards.
Because of this experience, you will also need to slowly rebuild the love that you had. If you had a good marriage before, still love each other, and believe in a common future, it will be easier to heal. But if your marriage was unstable, this event may force you to question your relationship at its core, and work on other issues as well.
For this process, involving a third person – counselor, therapist, or, a trustworthy, neutral person from your circle, would be very useful.
Another option is to decide that you don’t want to go on with this marriage anymore.
You may realize that it is no longer possible for you to trust this person, and he is not worthy of your care and companionship anymore. Betrayal is a sound reason for divorce in Islam, so in this case what you will need to see is how to end this marriage the best way possible.
I know that it can be very confusing and difficult for you now. Again, try to seek counseling to gain clarity about what you want and what you are capable of emotionally speaking. Give yourself time to see how you can heal. Whatever you decide, you will need some form of recovery. Either to regain your trust or not to carry these wounds into your next relationship, or at least minimize their impact.
I hope this helps,
