I stopped fighting my qadar. I am slowly accepting the reality of this dunya: that certain things happen here that are beyond my control.
It takes a lot of time to learn this, though. And I believe I have been practicing it ever since I got married. Being married as a Christian or a Muslim, there isn’t much difference in the way people behave, honestly.
I have come to realize that religion may give us the right guidance, but it is still up to
us to decide whether we will follow it. Islam teaches us how to live, how to treat others, and how to conduct ourselves, but it does not take away our ability to choose.
What Islam does, at least for me, is make me feel accountable.
Yes, accountable. Because Islam is from Allah. It governs the way we think, the way we feel, and the way we act. And knowing that we will answer to Allah for our choices makes it difficult to simply blame others for everything that goes wrong. At some point, we have to look at ourselves, too.
Lately, I have been thinking about my marriage.
I have felt emotionally neglected. I am not happy with the situation I am in. But my situation is probably far better than that of many other women.
The pain is real, and I will not pretend otherwise. But I also cannot ignore the blessings simply because there are things I wish were different. Sometimes, we become so consumed by what is missing that we forget to look at what Allah has spared us from, what He has given us, and what we have been taking for granted. And I wonder if this realization, too, is a form of mercy from Allah.
Allah says in the Qur’an:
“Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you.
Allah knows and you do not know.” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:216)
I keep coming back to this verse. How much of what I have resented might I be looking at without knowing the full picture? How many things have I judged by what they have made me feel, without knowing what Allah knows?
I do not know what the future holds. I do not know how my circumstances will change, or whether the things I long for will ever come to pass. But I know that my understanding is limited, and Allah’s knowledge is not.
And perhaps this is where tawakkul begins. Not when everything finally makes sense, not when life turns out the way I wanted it to, but when I accept that I do not have to understand everything to trust Allah.
“And whoever relies upon Allah—then He is sufficient for him.” (Surah At-Talaq 65:3)
I have spent so much time trying to make sense of things, trying to understand why certain things had to happen, and wishing that some parts of my life had turned out differently. I have to turn back to Him, ask Him for what I need, and trust Him with what I cannot change. And when I think of the hardships I have endured, I remind myself of another promise in the Qur’an:
“For indeed, with hardship comes ease. Indeed, with hardship comes ease.” (Surah Ash-Sharh
94:5–6)
Perhaps the ease will come in a way I never expected.
Perhaps it will be a change in my circumstances, a change in my heart, or the strength to face what once felt impossible. I do not get to decide how Allah’s help will reach me. I only have to keep turning to Him.
For now, I want to learn to be grateful. Because there is so much I can thank Allah for today. My safety. My children. The faith that brings me back to Him when my thoughts begin to overwhelm me. The realization that I am not alone in my struggles, and that I do not have to carry everything on my own.
Allah says:
“If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor].” (Surah Ibrahim 14:7)
I want to live with this verse in my heart. I still have days when I struggle with my qadar. Submission does not mean I have stopped feeling pain, and gratitude does not mean I no longer hope for better. It simply means that I am learning to bring all of it back to Allah.
And I want to believe that no hardship is wasted when we turn to Him through it. That even when I cannot see the good in what I am going through, I can trust the One who sees it. That I do not need to know the ending to keep my faith in the One who knows it.
So I am choosing gratitude. I am choosing tawakkul. I am choosing to trust Allah with the parts of my life I cannot make sense of.
I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds my tomorrow.
And for today, that is enough for me to say, Alhamdulillah.
