I want to be close to my wife and have romance and intimacy with her. It is difficult to control these feelings, and I want to protect myself from sin through a halal relationship with my own wife.
I asked her to come to my place, but she repeatedly refused in a way that felt rude to me. What hurt me further was that she did not seem concerned about how upset I was. I became angry and stopped talking to her. She has not apologised and said that this was not something I should have become angry about.
What I do not understand is: if nikah is what makes us husband and wife in Islam, why must we wait until rukhsati to be close to each other? Wallahi, I just want to avoid sin and fulfill these feelings in a halal way with my wife.
Please guide me on intimacy after nikah but before rukhsati, and on how I should handle her refusal and my own anger. Was I wrong to feel hurt and stop talking to her? I hope you understand my situation.
Answer
In this counseling question:
- Often, anger is a secondary emotion that hides deeper feelings. You mentioned feeling angry, but perhaps underneath that anger there is frustration, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of rejection.
- Have an honest conversation in which you share the more vulnerable feelings underneath. Try to approach each other with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand, rather than with blame or accusations.
Assalamu alaikum, brother,
Thank you for your question. You explained that you have recently got married and are now waiting for the wedding ceremony. However, you would like to be intimate with your wife, but she is refusing.
Understandably, this puts you in a frustrating situation. You feel angry because you do not fully understand her reasons, and her reaction and the way she spoke to you may also have hurt you. As I understand it, you have now stopped talking to her, and you would like to understand the situation better.
Brother, I can understand your frustration. Now that you are legally married, you would like to begin your life together as husband and wife, grow closer to her, and develop an intimate and romantic bond, even though the wedding ceremony has not yet taken place.
I understand that you felt hurt by what she said and how she expressed herself. I can also understand that, because of these feelings, you decided to stop talking to her for a while. However, I think it would be a good idea to reopen the conversation and take this opportunity to get to know each other better.
What is under anger?
Sometimes, anger is a secondary emotion that hides deeper feelings. You mentioned feeling angry, but perhaps underneath that anger there is frustration, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of rejection. You may feel that you are unable to begin the relationship you were hoping for, and that can be painful.
It is possible that your wife also has feelings or concerns beneath her reaction that she has not yet been able to express.
Therefore, it could be very helpful for both of you to have an honest conversation in which you share not only your anger but also the more vulnerable feelings underneath it. Try to approach each other with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand, rather than with blame or accusations.
I do not know whether you have already tried to explain your perspective to her, but you could try again, calmly and patiently. You could explain your feelings, just as you have described them in your letter.
At the same time, try to ask her about her reasons for refusing intimacy and listen carefully to what she has to say. Are there any fears or concerns behind her decision? Could it be that, for cultural or personal reasons, she believes intimacy should begin only after the wedding ceremony? Perhaps she does not yet feel emotionally ready, or she needs more time to develop a sense of closeness and trust with you.
Try to understand her perspective without making assumptions, and share your own feelings and expectations with her as well. The goal is not to convince her to do something she is uncomfortable with, but to understand each other and find a way forward that respects both of your needs-
You could consider involving someone you both trust. Perhaps a respected family member or, if she would feel more comfortable, a trusted female relative could help you understand each other’s perspectives and mediate the conversation.
You can also seek examples that models vulnerable, non-violent communication, emotional intelligence / maturity, either online or through books, videos, etc.
I hope this is simply an initial misunderstanding that you can work through together. Marriage involves learning about each other, understanding each other’s expectations, and building emotional closeness over time. In sha Allah, you will be able to resolve this difficulty and grow closer as a couple.
