I have had a male childhood friend for many years. As we grew older, our friendship gradually developed into mutual feelings and emotional attachment. We agreed that, if Allah wills, we would approach the matter through the proper path of marriage.
However, there are several circumstances that have made me very uncertain and anxious about the future.
He is currently a medical student who is close to graduating, but he still has a long professional path ahead of him. Financially and socially, there is also a significant difference between our families. I come from a considerably wealthier family, and I am currently in a stronger financial position than he is.
When I spoke to my siblings about him, their reaction was extremely negative, particularly because I was considering marrying someone who is financially and socially less established than me.
I then spoke to my parents. Thankfully, their response was much more accepting. My father, in particular, has been supportive of me and told me that if the man eventually comes to propose and demonstrates that he is progressing seriously in his studies and career, my father would even be willing to help financially if we were ever in need.
For now, the two of us have decided to completely stop communicating and leave the matter until the time of Naseeb, whether that is one or two years from now or longer. I am not currently making marriage my main focus, and I am willing to wait and continue focusing on my own life while leaving the matter to Allah.
Despite this, I am struggling with a lot of uncertainty. I am afraid of the financial difference between us, whether I would be able to get along with his family, whether our families would be compatible, and whether he would ultimately be able to support or understand the ambitions and goals I have for my own future.
There is also something I feel guilty about. I have been afraid to sincerely pray Istikhara because I am scared that Allah may make me lose interest in him after we have both promised that, if the opportunity arises, we would try for each other. I worry that if I pray Istikhara and my feelings change, it would mean that I was never certain about him and that I may eventually hurt both myself and him.
At the same time, I know that I am constantly thinking about the ""what ifs"". What if I lose interest? What if I lose hope while waiting? What if he meets someone who is more suitable for him? What if his feelings change? What if, after all this time, we discover that we are not compatible?
These thoughts have been causing me a great deal of anxiety, and I am struggling to understand what I should do with them.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- When we have time on one side and uncertainty on the other side—because no one knows the future—doubts naturally increase. While we would like to outline our future, we have to accept that we will not be able to know everything ahead.
- Having a similar social and financial status can be helpful or can be a protective factor, it is absolutely not a guarantee that people with more aligned finances or status won’t have conflicts around these issues. Nor does it mean that such conflicts are impossible to manage.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thank you for your letter. You have explained your situation regarding a possible marriage prospect and asked several questions. I’m going to try to answer your questions one by one, with some comments so I can better understand the situation.
I understand what you are going through, and I strongly believe that the main issue here, on your side, which can fuel your anxiety and doubts, is the delay. Final decisions are postponed right now, and you have time left to think. This gives you room for doubts, overthinking, and uncertainty.
I want you to understand that this is a very natural and very common thing, actually. When we have time on one side and uncertainty on the other side—because no one knows the future—doubts naturally increase.
Especially that these questions are not really possible to answer with certainty. I cannot, and no one—not even through istikhara—will be able to tell you whether this marriage will bring financial conflict or not, whether you are making the right decision or not, or whether you are going to have a good relationship or not.
While we would like to outline our future, we have to accept that we will not be able to know everything ahead. We have to try to decide according to our present wishes, realities, possibilities, our actual goals, and emotional state and desires, and leave the rest to Allah.
More than this, you cannot do, and we should accept this.
- Is it wrong for you to have these doubts and fears? Do they indicate that you are not genuinely certain about this person?
No. It is not wrong for you to have these doubts and fears. They are absolutely understandable and can be very common, especially because we are talking about uncertainty about the future.
- How should you understand and approach istikhara in a situation like this? Is it wrong to be afraid that the outcome of istikhara may be different from what you currently hope for?
It is normal to have an emotional inclination towards a certain outcome. This does not contradict the fact that, on a spiritual or conscious level, you are able to comprehend that putting your full trust in Allah through istikhara is a more adaptive thing to do.
These are simply two different domains, and you do not need to see them as contradictions. From a spiritual perspective, you can look at these fears or hopes by saying: “Whatever is good for me, I am going to be directed towards it, and whatever is not good for me, I am going to be moved away from it. And Allah knows best.”
And trust that in the long run you will certainly realize that Allah knew best and that there was a reason why you were blocked from a certain path.
- Actually it is difficult to completely separate fear, attachment, or anxiety from our perception. While you try to reason according to Islamic principles, still you are going to be influenced by your past, by your emotional dynamics and other factors.
- Do you think it is appropriate to simply leave the matter until about the time for marriage, without maintaining contact, and then reassess your compatibility and circumstances? Yes, that is an option. I cannot tell you exactly what you have to do in this case.
- How much weight should you give to concerns such as financial differences, family and social differences, and whether your ambitions and future expectations will align?
This is something that we are not able to determine completely before marriage because it would require us to predict the whole life course of both people: in what direction you will change and transform, what will happen throughout your future life, and how your priorities may develop.
You have to part from the idea that every marriage will have its own tests, and these can come in the form of conflicts around finances, family, social differences, and even ambitions and future expectations as well.
Having a similar social and financial status can be helpful or can be a protective factor, it is absolutely not a guarantee that people with more aligned finances or status won’t have conflicts around these issues. Nor does it mean that such conflicts are impossible to manage.
I think it is more important to consider our self-worth, to what extent it is tied to these concepts (or to other concepts), and how they interact with each other.
6. How should you deal with the fear of all these possible future outcomes?
I think that if you had less time to think about it and more action were taking place, and you were actually living the relationship rather than just thinking about it, those fears would probably diminish.
I can only tell you to try to normalize this. It is normal that we really want to make the best decision. But you also have to have realistic expectations, knowing that conflict is inevitable, that there can be multiple outcomes, and that we simply do not know what the future will bring. But you can improve your ability to manage those conflicts when they arise.
I hope this helps,
