Well, he hasn't started university yet. I am assuming what will be his life's future and Aqira if the situation is like this, please tell me how to talk to him ?
I am a single mom. He's the youngest boy and he’s such a nice boy before, I don’t know what happened to him. I’m so upset and worried about his Aqira and future. This is not good. He’s doing. He says he is working long hours but after a 5 hour shift he is going out with her.
Answer
In this counseling article:
- People are still responsible for their actions, but the question is: does he realistically have any other legitimate choice right now?
- Involve a male mentor, friend, family member, who can offer guidance from the male perspective, but beyond making reprimands by citing rules.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for writing. You explained that you are very worried about your 19-year-old son, who probably has an affair with someone at his workplace. You do not know how to talk to him, but you are worried about his life here and in the Akhirah.
Sister, I think this must be very difficult for you. Raising children as a single mother comes with a lot of responsibility and work, so I am sure that you are trying your best. As you wrote, you only want the best for your children.
You mentioned that he was such a nice boy, and I think he probably still is. This is not really about being a “nice boy” or not. It is about becoming an adult with natural sexual needs and desires.
But of course, if he does not have the possibility to express those desires in a halal way then he may end up looking for other ways to fulfill or express them, even if those ways are religiously impermissible.
Expectations, coming from where?
So I would really start by understanding and accepting that what he is dealing with are natural desires, not only physical but emotional ones, and he needs solutions. Perhaps he has been told that he must wait until he finishes university, finds a job, and becomes financially established before he can marry. Culturally and socially, there is often the expectation that a man must be a full provider before marriage, which can place a huge burden on young men.
I am not saying this expectation necessarily comes from you; it may also come from society or from the future wife’s family. But these expectations create many difficulties for young people. Of course, they have duties, but they also have rights. One of those rights is that parents and families should help provide legitimate ways for them to fulfill natural needs in a halal manner.
So, you may speak to him without blame or harshness, because he probably already knows his religious boundaries very well. The issue may simply be that he is struggling to live within them. If religion starts to feel only like a burden, then we also have to reflect on what may be going wrong systematically, because religion should not feel impossible to live by.
Who’s responsibility?
Please try to talk to him gently. Of course, people are still responsible for their actions, but the question is: does he realistically have any other legitimate choice right now? Does he have the possibility of pursuing a halal alternative? If not, then perhaps it is necessary to think about how you can help facilitate that, or what options may exist.
It would be great to involve a male mentor, friend, family member, who can offer guidance from the male perspective, but beyond citing rules and expectations. I am not sure about the presence of his father, but if he is not an option, try to find someone he trusts and respects.
At least part of the responsibility may need to be acknowledged as something broader than simply “his fault.” If legitimate options truly exist and he freely rejects them, then that becomes his own responsibility. But if such options are not realistically available, then the situation is more complex.
I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.