He did his best to make up for it through his actions, never through his words. And as an adult today I understand and accept his efforts. Even though I sometimes find it hard to connect with him because of his harsh tongue, his efforts today are of a present and regretful father.
Alhamdulilah, the poverty and the abuse ended a while ago, as my father healed and started a better job. But I feel like it has damaged something in me in irreversible ways. For years I have tried to heal and I always end up in the same cycle.
I’m failing uni because I can’t handle my ADHD and I can’t drink medications for it. I am stuck in a loop where I listen to music and daydream anytime I feel stressed. I feel like I’m wasting my life by failing uni. I know I have the potential but I can’t handle my ADHD and triggers. I’ve tried every single advice and nothing works. The only one that can help me is Allah swt, but I don’t pray enough.
I recently developed an autoimmune disease that left me weak in my bones. I spent 3 months in the darkness of my bedroom, depressed and sick. This made me miss out on classes and I’ve been extremely stressed and stuck in this toxic loop.
I tried my best to fast this Ramadan and I ended up only fasting 15 days and my father paying fidya for the rest. The problem is I didn’t pray my 5 daily prayers, and I feel like the biggest loser.
I had the chance to ask Allah swt to help me with uni and help me with my problems and I didn’t take that opportunity because I was stuck in freezing mode. I genuinely tried to at least pray 1 prayer, usually fajr, a day and for the most part I did.
I’m also extremely insecure as a person and I’m insecure about myself in every way possible. The way I look, carry myself, my work, my intellect, etc.
I have done therapy and for a little while I was doing well and even went on umrah until the autoimmune disease came that made uni even harder with my ADHD to handle. I don’t know if Allah swt is punishing me but I need Him and I want to change, except I always fall back in this cycle again.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- What may be happening is that your system has become more sensitive to stress, and this is something you can learn to regulate over time.
- Ramadan is not the only opportunity; you can always make dua and connect. Everything that has happened in your life can also be a source of growth and learning.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thank you for your letter. I’m truly sorry for what you have had to go through. It must have been very hard to deal with the mental health issues of your father and its consequences in your teen years, which is a sensitive period in and of itself.
At the same time, I’m glad to hear that your father has healed, that he regrets his past actions, and that he has found a better job and is able to provide for your family and is more present in your life.
You mentioned that you understand his situation—his stress and the difficulties that led him into depression—and how this resulted in abusive and harmful behavior. While this can help explain what happened, it does not justify it. However, it is a very positive sign that he has recognized his mistakes, repented, and is now trying to make up for the past with better actions.
Even though you understand his situation, the emotional impact on you is still there. This is what you are describing, especially when you talk about freezing, daydreaming, or coping with stress by disconnecting or listening to music.
It is possible that these responses—and even what you describe as ADHD—may be connected to a form of emotional coping or a way of protecting yourself from overwhelming situations. In other words, your mind may have learned to “tune out” as a way to keep you safe.
I think it’s very important to recognize that these coping mechanisms are not signs of failure. In fact, they are a form of protection—your body and mind trying to take care of you during stressful moments. So in themselves, they are not “wrong.”
What may be happening is that your system has become more sensitive to stress, and this is something you can learn to regulate over time.
Stress management
For this, I would gently recommend seeking therapy or counseling, maybe with someone different if that was not helpful enough. A professional can help you understand these responses, see them as protective, and approach them with compassion rather than judgment. Over time, you can learn to gently retrain your reactions by reminding yourself that your present situation is safer than what your nervous system may be signaling.
It is also understandable to fear falling back into these patterns when you are under stress. That’s why it can help to explore other, healthier ways to calm yourself and manage stress gradually.
Yes, it may affect your ability to study, but it is not a punishment, so try not to blame yourself for this.
Subjective interpretations
While there can be a connection between stress and autoimmune diseases, seeing it as a punishment is rather a subjective interpretation, not a fact. Sometimes these interpretations help to maintain certain beliefs about ourselves, even when they are negative ones, like “I am not capable.” But in therapy it is possible to reframe these beliefs, in sha Allah.
For example, struggling with exams or not being able to fast properly does not define who you are. It simply means that this has been a difficult time for you. Illness and hardship affect our capacity, and in Islam, those who are unwell are not held to the same expectations as those who are fully able.
Please consider speaking to a counselor or someone you trust.
From a spiritual perspective, strengthening your connection with Allah can be very comforting. Trust in His protection, His guidance, and His care. Remind yourself that you are never alone—that there is always someone you can turn to. Ramadan is not the only opportunity; you can always make dua and connect. Everything that has happened in your life can also be a source of growth and learning.
So be gentle with yourself. Be understanding of your situation.
May Allah make things easy for you and grant you healing and peace.
