Ads by Muslim Ad Network

aaa

Sick of My Teen Son

05 February, 2019
Q Being a dad is a great gift from Allah, yet at times I find myself wondering if this indeed is a gift rather than a nightmare. You see, my teen son is acting so shameful lately that I am going through what I feel is Hell. My son has been acting very harsh this last year and a half. I am writing to you because I have exhausted other means of common routes to help the situation. He goes to an all-boys private school. We have talked to all his friends and teachers and none of them understand why my son is acting so problematic. We sent in an independent social worker to examine him at school and came up empty in ideas. I decided to see three different therapists who have doctorates in psychology and have years of experience treating teens. That failed to come up with any explanation why my son is so bothersome. So, I went to two psychiatrists and that, too, failed to bring up any information that could help. I thought maybe they were better qualified to help. Finally, I felt maybe my son was on drugs or had a medical condition we may have overlooked, so we saw three medical doctors to give him tests. Nothing! The kid is in perfect health physically and mentally. Ultimately, we did family therapy with a few therapists just to make sure it wasn’t something in the home, and that yielded nothing. You see the problem with this conclusion is that my son has been anything but normal. He has ripped up our Qur’an seven times now and has burned our prayer rugs. My son wants nothing to do with Islam. He has made a statue in his room to pray to. I destroyed it and yet he made another, then another. I just stopped because I was so exhausted with this cat and mouse game. The kid says he hates Allah and that we are all going to burn in Hell. He yells this type of stuff every time we have Muslim friends over. I wish that were the end of it. My son also steals from us. The kid doesn’t steal for drugs because we have examined that thoroughly. He just steals to hurt us. Things have got worse. Last week in the mosque he took a pee all over the coats and shoes of the members. He was laughing. The kid is not insane because we have checked this, as I mentioned, by very qualified people. I was so angry that I slapped him. I feel bad. I asked Allah for forgiveness but my son is really getting on my nerves. Religion is everything to me. It’s our life. You know what I mean. I have two other children and I am worried that they will adopt his behavior. The kid acts like a real jerk and I am upset. My son slaps his mom’s back and grabs her chest sometimes. This is outrageous and very embarrassing, as he has done it in public. He laughs and enjoys humiliating us. I even cried in front of him and he called me an old fool and told me to go to Hell. I got sick of it and raided his room while he was out, just trying to search for some meaning to all of this. I found a floorboard that moves and now I am really worried, yet skeptical. My son has Tarot cards and books on black magic. I saw a note he wrote to himself where he plans on destroying every being he comes in contact with and wants to rule the world with an iron fist. It’s insane! Yet, the many doctors I have shown him to say otherwise, that he is, in fact, normal and healthy. What to do? The kid gets worse and to tell you the truth, I have done everything on earth to deal with this. I have prayed every night over this with my family and at the mosque. Any help would be appreciated.

Answer

Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
05 February, 2019

In this counseling answer:

•We cannot be sure as to the exact cause of his behavior, but we urge you not to delay in taking action to help him. One such course of action would be to consider having him admitted for psychiatric evaluation over the course of a few days.

•We suggest extending the examination over a few days because often examinations over a few hours do not do justice to the depth and breadth of the problems being encountered.

•Discuss this option with your wife and other trusted doctors before you take action on it.

As-salamu `alaikum,

Thank you so much for writing to us. We appreciate your patience and concern in trying to help your son. We offer some thoughts for your consideration.

Ads by Muslim Ad Network

First, thank Allah that He has bestowed mercy in your heart so that even after all this you are still inclined to help your son. Allah Most High is testing you through your son’s behavior. Although the intense feelings of shame and embarrassment are not lessened by knowing that this is a test from Allah, we remind you of this fact so that you do everything in your ability to meet this test with the best of conduct yourself.

You have already shown so much patience, al-hamdu lillah, and are doing your best to help your son by having all of those medical tests done. Allah Most High is well aware of your actions and, in sha’ Allah, though you might not perceive it readily, a great reward awaits you for your sacrifice, in sha’ Allah.

Sick of My Teen Son - About Islam

We realize how sorry you are for having lost your temper and slapping your son when he urinated on the clothes and shoes of the mosque attendees. As much as it hurts you and might feel awkward to do so, ask your son for forgiveness for this one action you committed out of anger. Then, make du`aa’  to Allah and seek His forgiveness as well.

Be assured by the fact that Allah Most High in His wisdom tested even Prophets with difficult and challenging family members, among whom is Prophet Nuh (peace and blessings be upon him), whose son was drowned with the rest of the unbelievers.

Second, since your son has reached the age of puberty and has not been diagnosed with any mental illness that would incapacitate his thinking abilities, he is very much responsible for his own actions. You should always keep this in mind while you are attempting to deal with your son and intervene on his behalf.

We cannot be sure as to the exact cause of his behavior, but we urge you not to delay in taking action to help him. One such course of action would be to consider having him admitted for psychiatric evaluation over the course of a few days. We suggest extending the examination over a few days because often examinations over a few hours do not do justice to the depth and breadth of the problems being encountered. Discuss this option with your wife and other trusted doctors before you take action on it.

Finally, make lots of du`aa’ and remember that as long as he is sane, in the end, your son alone will be held responsible for his actions. Yes, you will feel pain, shame, and embarrassment, but if he refuses to change himself, you cannot stop living life and affect your relationship with your wife and two other children.

And Allah knows best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.

Read more:

My Teen Son Hates His Father , What Should I Do?

How to Deal with My Teen Son?

Cannot Afford the Demands of Our Teen Son

ask about parenting Teenager
About Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman
Dr. Abdullah Abdur Rahman had obtained his Masters and PhD in Social Work and has worked in the US as a licensed social worker since then. His focus is on counseling Muslims in non-Muslim countries, with special emphasis on life in North America, counseling adolescents, pre-marital counseling, online counseling for married couples and da`wah (inviting people to Islam).