Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 5 questions our counselor provided answers.

We may not be able to answer all submitted questions. If you do not find yours below, please check the answers in our upcoming sessions as well. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. How do I tell my Christian parents I have converted

I converted to Islam a few months ago and have been praying for guidance on how to tell my parents I’m Muslim.   And I’m guessing he guided me to this page.

Answer:

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah wa baraktuhu dear brother,

Thank you for turning to us with your question. Indeed, it was Allah who guided you to find answers to your doubts and to the right path.

First of all, welcome to Islam, alhamdulillah. May this journey be a lifetime-long one for you, full of blessings. Ameen

As a convert myself, I understand your struggle. Even when I became Muslim as an adult, telling that to my parents was not easy.

Here are some tips I can help you with:

I’m not sure how you get along with your parents.If you have a trusting, confident, and loving relationship where you can talk as friends, you will probably have an easier time.

First, try to think with a bigger picture in mind, meaning not to focus too much on that conversation alone. Yes, it will probably be a surprise for your parents, and you can expect any kind of responses and reactions. But that situation and possible conflict will eventually pass as they accept and adjust. I’m sure they love you and want to protect you, so their words will most likely be motivated by these fears. It is normal, even if they say something negative.

Try to understand them, but also understand that this should not shake your conviction. And it is not an easy challenge, especially when you are young, living at home, and not yet independent.

You will see that Islam also teaches us kindness towards our parents and respect, even if they are non-Muslims. So try to keep your kindness and treat them well; you can love them and have happy relationships just because you are Muslim. Instead of entering into arguments about faith, try to show the positive impact of Islam through your behavior and good manners. 

Learn about the Prophet’s life and the lives of other prophets who faced many adversities because of their belief in one God, and follow in their footsteps.

Focus on your relationship with Allah

If you are convinced that Islam is the Truth, then just go ahead and practice your deen. 

This can first be done in private, between you and Allah, if you feel that the time to tell has not yet come. Many of the early Muslims did this in Makkah to protect themselves from harm. And you can tell your parents later, when it is an appropriate time.

Meanwhile, I advise you to learn more about your faith and start practicing it. Both knowledge and worship will increase your faith and conviction. It will also help you answer some questions your parents will probably ask.

To learn more about Islam and about the life of the Prophet, check out this page, where we have a series of short videos and articles for those who are new to Islam:

Seerah For New Converts (Special Folder)

Check out these articles from our site with detailed answers and further tips on how to deal with non-Muslim parents in this situation:

I Converted to Islam: How to Tell My Parents?

How to Tell Your Parents About Your Conversion

Why Do Parents Worry When Their Kids Convert to Islam?

How Can I Tell My Parents I Converted to Islam?

Afraid of Telling Family About Your Conversion? Here is What to Do

I hope these tips will help you,

If you have questions in the future, do not hesitate to write to us again!

May Allah (SWT) be with you,

Question 2. Haqooqul ibad

I had a relationship with a person when I was too young (14). I made promises to him in my immaturity about future and marriage. Then I separated from him because of guilt and we decided to continue when we get older. However, when I turned 19 someone else approached me and I got close to him- that too was in my ignorance. Didn’t make any promise but didn’t tell him the truth and it felt like I was committed to him. Now I have left it all but they doesn’t know, they don’t know about each other. I feel guilty and want to make things right for the fear of Allah. I don’t know who to marry as I don’t think I love either of them, I want Allah to decide for me as He knows the best. Help and guide me please so that my sins are washed

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

As I understand it, you had a relationship with someone when you were very young. Then you started to feel guilty, and you separated, but you promised to be together in the future. Then you knew someone else and got close to him also.

You did not disclose the truth to any of them, and you left these relationships for the sake of Allah. And now you do not know who to marry or what to do.

Sister, if I understand you well, you do not think you love any of them right now, or, better said, you do not imagine any of them as your future spouse. But you may think of marriage because you had a relationship with them already or because of the promise you made.

I think you can separate these issues: you have certainly committed something wrong and sinful due to your “young age and ignorance,” as you said. But, alhamdulillah, out of your fear of Allah, you realized that this was not right and ended these relationships.

Masallah, sister, you did the right thing. If you have repented sincerely and asked for forgiveness from Allah, you can just move on and focus on your present and future.

And one more thing: do not forget to forgive yourself! We all do things that are wrong and sinful, but the important thing is your sincere repentance and your subsequent change in behavior. In your case, this would mean not involving yourself in a relationship with them or with others before marriage.

Allah is All-Forgiving. It is stated in the Quran, that he forgives all our sins (all kind of sins) as long as we turn to Him with repentance:

 “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Quran 39:53)

So, if you have done this, let your guilt go.

You say you feel guilty for not telling these two people about each other. Well, sister, as time has passed and you are not planning to marry any of them, maybe there is no need to disclose to them what has happened. It is up to you, although. If you think you would feel better, just write your thoughts down, like in a letter.

I am not sure, but you may feel guilty because of the promise you made to the first person. I am not sure whether you are still in contact or not.

You know, things, feelings, and circumstances may change with time, so you may feel less inclined to fulfill your promise, and maybe he feels the same way.

I think both of you have to trust in the plans of Allah. If He distances you from each other, it is because there is no plan for you to be together in the future. In that sense, it does not mean that you break a promise. Just trust in the Qadr of Allah and know that He will guide you towards the right one instead.

So, what to do?

Try to let go of your guilt by asking forgiveness from Allah and believing that He will forgive you. Start a new chapter in life and let go of your past.

Plan for your future by learning more about Islamic marriage. Try to get ready for your future marriage and be prepared to find the right one for you. You can find good articles and videos about this on our site: here, here,   or try the About Islam marriage preparation webinar; the next one is in May, in sha Allah.

Make dua to Allah to guide you towards the right path and to find the right spouse. If the first person appears with a marriage plan for you (out of his promise), deal with the proposal according to the present but not to the past. What does this mean?

Look at yourselves and decide whether you would be compatible with each other now, as adults. Do you think that marriage would work? Can both of you fulfill the conditions? If yes, you think so, then go ahead with planning your marriage. If you are unsure, you can perform istikhara.

But if no, you both have to permit yourselves to admit that Allah has other plans for you, despite your promises when you were young. You can let it go by accepting that you have fulfilled the promise by thinking about your marriage as an option and realizing that it is not a good idea.

Ask Allah for guidance through prayer and worship; read and learn the Quran. Istikhara prayer is an excellent tool for asking God for guidance after we have made our decisions. Read more here.

I hope these tips will help you, sister,

May Allah guide you!

Question 3. Stepfather Abuse

ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ ٱللَّٰهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

I totally understand the fact of having sabr , InnAllah maas sabireen , I get it and I was clinging onto the fact that Allah shall one day ease me from this pain, My Stepfather who is physically abusing me since I was 2 years old till I was 15 years old. Later when I grew he started to emotionally abuse me and my mother. My mother cannot have Qula because of people and their taunts, I have no idea how long this pain is going to last, this seems like forever, Half of my life is over, I surely trust Allah SWT no doubt but I am very done with all this . I Love my mother. Is it permissible for me to wish upon his death and pray, And try the best to convince Allah to take his life away so that whatever life is left we can live peacefully. Please help me, JazakAllah Khair

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

What you are presenting in your letter is really sad. Your stepfather is abusing you and your mother, first physically and now emotionally. Your mother cannot have Qula because of the people around her.

Dear sister, may Allah ease your situation; that really sounds saddening. Let me tell you, Allah asks us to be patient in times of adversity and suffering. But it does not mean waiting and not trying to do anything in order for things to change.

Abuse, whether physical or emotional, is a sin, sister. It is not permitted by Allah. No one has the right to treat you or your mother this way, so I kindly ask you not to wait “patiently” until something really tragic happens.

Trusting Allah and His plan is important, but those who suffer must try to find means and take action. It is crucial to seek opportunities according to one’s abilities and circumstances and not endure undeserved pain and suffering.

I know that sometimes one is in a situation where it seems very difficult to move on. As you say, your mother does not want divorce because of certain people, I guess family members, around. You do not detail what this means, but I am wondering whether they would be OK with it if you or your mother risked your lives and got hurt one day. Would they bear the responsibility for that?

Sometimes, unfortunately, some people do not stop abusive behavior until they get a strong reminder, either by legal forces, other community members, or when their family abandons them. Especially if your mother relies on him financially.

I am not sure what exactly you mean by physical and emotional abuse, but the first one is called domestic violence and can be considered a criminal act, depending on where you live. So, behaving violently and hurting others can have legal consequences.

If your stepfather does not show any signs of repentance or a change in behavior towards you and your mother, you need to look for help and see how to get out of this situation and move to a safer place.

I strongly advise you, sister, to talk to your mother and start looking around for what you can do in this situation. I am sure that together you are strong and will find your way out!

Seek support and support each other

If there are no family or community members who you can trust and who can help, you need to find a domestic violence organization or hotline in your location and contact them. Hopefully they have tips and resources about how exactly you need to proceed and what steps you need to follow. Even so, they help women who are not financially independent and have nowhere to go to find shelter during the initial stage of separation.

Your mother and your safety are the most important things, sister. You should not spend the other half of your life—as you say—in fear and abuse. 

I am sure that you are brave enough to find your way out. Please try to convince your mother to seek help as well and support each other. The most difficult is the first step. But once you make it, you will see, in sha Allah, that the doors will open more and more and you will find more opportunities.

Remember the verse from the Quran:

“Indeed, Allāh will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)

Regarding your question about praying for your stepfather’s death, I am not a scholar to tell you whether it is permissible to pray for his death. But I know that you can pray against oppression, asking Allah to end your suffering. Allah always hears the dua of the oppressed:

“The Messenger of Allah sent Mu’adh [bin Jabal] to Yemen, and said: ‘Beware of the supplication of the oppressed; for indeed there is no barrier between it and Allah.'” Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2014

You also say that you would like to “convince Allah” to take his life. My dear sister, Allah is All-Knowing and All-Seeing, so I do not think that there is a need to “convince” Him. Everything happens by His will, and the tests are meant to try our faith and conviction in Him.

Allah knows what you are going through and sees your suffering. And abuse and violence in the family are things that are against His command.

So, I would kindly suggest that you focus on yourself and on your mother and see what you can do to change this situation instead of waiting for an external change. Just put your trust in Him and know that He will guide both of you if you turn to Him for guidance.

I wish you the best; please keep us updated about your safety.

Question 4: Family abuse and school disrespect

Aso sister I’ve been struggling with abuse physically by my mom since childhood were a family of 6 I’m the first daughter then comes my 10 year old sister and then my 2 older brothers she treats them special than us and my family taunts me a lot I’m struggling to pray then she’s like I’d never say anything ever again to you I’m struggling to go to school I’m a 12th to be graduate I faced a terrible situation in school my teachers behavior is not good with me also our school is boys and girls school so I can’t even tell you it was so bad there was a group of boys staring at me when It was departure time from school I was coming down to go home and they were staring  I hate this school this environment I’m graduating in 4 months but still I tried telling my parents this environment is not good and suitable for me they always say if you don’t go to school how will you get good grades they even used threats against me like we pay your fees we pay your tuition etc. I’m taking tuition but my parents always say to get out of home.

My mom’s been abusing me for my little sister she always blames it on me that it’s always my fault and then she snatches my hair literally half of my hair strands broke apart she slapped me she grabbed my hair with my braid and was pulling it so badly she wakes me up like this she’s never shown me love in any positive way she’s so narcissistic and then she comes to me that you weren’t like this with me this affects my parents relationship with me I don’t know what to do I’m so stressed what will I do after I graduate 12th cause academic studying has become a part of life now that’s the only thing that keeps me busy and my mom asks me everyday what are you going to do with your life she’s like giving examples of people and comparing me with them that she’s going to us she’s going to study there etc…

While I’m so confused I want to stand on my own feet I want to get a job spend my own money get my new phone my moms sisters have a very good relationship with their daughter while I’m the one like I say I need this phone they start giving me other options to look I never really say them to get me anything cause I’m guilty of them spending money on me cause I’m the disappointment for them. One day my mom clearly said it in an argument idk what to do with my life then they make me depressed by asking are you having depression she always asks why you don’t want to go to school if I give a reason or two she’s like shut up you’re going today she makes me feel like the unheard daughter and idk what to do my life’s apart I’m scared of even doing something for my family regardless they won’t ever appreciate me they’re like why do you need a job  I always say that I need my own money well that’s true but I want to live an independent life I tried telling the issue about the teacher situation.

So how it happened basically my class was absent so unfortunately I got sent to another grade while I went to the other grade they were studying science and I sat there I was putting my chapstick and fixing my hijab my ex chem teacher means he used to teach me since 8th to 10th standard he yelled go to washroom I was in a terrible situation like I didn’t felt good all the class was staring at me I only have like one friend in high school so I’ve been a left out friend most of my life my relationship with my friends have been affected because of my mom while I used to talk to my friend on the phone she used to say don’t talk to her a lot I don’t really have a lot of friends so my mom always say this to me those who don’t have friends are lonely

Answer:

Salam alaikom dear sister,

I am so sorry to read your letter. I know that this is written advice, and my support may not come through as clearly as if we spoke face-to-face, but I want you to know that I really feel for your struggle.

What you present and the way you perceive the relationship with your mother, your family, and in school is really sad and desperate.

You Need Help

I do not know how to start because there are so many things going on, and I think what you would need is constant, ongoing support, preferably one-on-one with someone, to discuss your hurt and start healing your wounds, which unfortunately seem to be quite deep.

Do you have any opportunity to seek support in person? You say that you do not have a lot of friends; what about the masjid or local youth community? Is there any counseling service available there? Or do you know any trustworthy female members around the masjid?

I think, sister, it would be very important to find someone who you can turn to and who can start dealing with your struggle professionally. You reached out and wrote to us, alhamdulillah, and I hope this will bring you at least some relief. But I think you need further, closer support as soon as possible.

What you present about your mother and about your relationship is really not comforting at all, and it can cause you harm—actually, it is already causing damage to your well-being, your mental health, and your healthy sense of self-worth.

Not Feeling Loved and Heard

That is most likely the root cause of all the other problems you are experiencing. If you do not feel emotionally safe at home and cannot find comfort but are subjected to long-term emotional and physical abuse, it will obviously affect other areas of your life, such as school, studies, friendships, and so on.

So, it would be very urgent to do something about the relationship with your mother.

This is a two-sided issue, as without her input and without her awareness of the huge negative impact on you, it is more difficult to reach good results. What you would need, ideally, is family counseling together.

If that is not possible, or not now, I advise you to talk to her.

You need to let her know how you are feeling and that you do not feel loved by them.

I have a feeling that she knows that something is wrong, that she is somehow aware of her ill treatment, and that she may even feel guilty (Allah knows best). She is probably worried about you, but it seems to me that she has a very limited ability to express her love and care, to communicate, to show forgiveness and repentance, and to deal with your conflicts.

There can be many reasons behind, and probably she herself would need counseling a professional intervention to develop these skills.

Her Disability

So, also understand that her behavior is her “disability” and not yours. Nor your fault. You may suffer from its consequences, but primarily it is something she needs to fix in herself.  But try to find a calm moment and let her know that you are really suffering this way and that you would like to fix your relationship.

Physical and emotional abuse are sinful behaviors, sister, and have legal ramifications in some cases. Even if someone comes from a difficult upbringing, once she becomes a mother, she needs to find the means to develop mercy in her heart and practice forgiveness and understanding, and not use physical violence.

Maybe someone else, a third person, should speak to her about these issues and let her know clearly that she is not allowed to hurt you physically or emotionally and that she needs to fear Allah more. I know that sometimes it sounds easy, but you need to find someone to assist you with it. 

Focus on Yourself

Ideally, the first and foremost thing would be to improve your relationship with your mother and get out of the circle of abuse and ill-treatment, because this would automatically bring change in other areas also. If you had support, you would be more confident in school, and with support, you could deal better with the conflicts there and also find meaningful goals in life. 

Here are some further tips that might help you gain strength:

Sister, the first thing I think of is your connection with Allah. Whatever struggle we are going through, Allah is near. He is always there, “closer to him than [his] jugular vein.” (Quran 50:16)

So, turn to Him with your hurt and pray through worship. Try to pray more and remember Him; in this you will find comfort. Allah loves you, and if you do not find mercy around you, know that He is merciful and will hear your duas.

If you put your trust in Him and seek His guidance, He will show you the way out, in sha Allah.

Focus on your goals and on your well-being without paying too much attention to the pressure and ill-treatment of your family. There are only 4 months left in this school—that is not a lot. So, just focus on your studies and do not care about your schoolmates.

Think about it: Is there anything you like and would like to start doing after school? What are your possibilities for work? Try to find something you would like to do, and if you still do not know, that is OK too, no matter what they say or with whom they compare you. When the time is right, you will see with more clarity.

Meanwhile, consider doing some volunteer work for a charity or an organization where you can help and support others. Try to look around and see what is available there: for the poor, the ill, the elderly, children, whatever. I am sure that you would be a wonderful member of a voluntary project, and it would eventually help you feel better.

You can search for an Islamic course online – there are even free options – and learn about the deen, once you finish school. You may connect with new sisters while increasing your knowledge.

Try to journal and write your feelings down. Write down your hurt and pain when you are struggling and feel unheard, just as you did in this letter to me. Write down what you need and what you miss. What would you like to change to feel better?

Or if instead of writing, you prefer drawing or painting, you can use those tools as well to let your feelings go.

Find support

You said that you have only one friend, and that is great, alhamdulillah. The important thing is the quality of your friendship, not the quantity. So, if you trust her, spend time together and find activities that make you feel better and bring you joy. You mentioned your mother’s sister and your cousins; I am not sure whether you can find support there or not.

You can look around in the local Muslim community—around the masjid, for example. I am sure there are sisters who would love to be your friends and would help you.

Lastly, again, I mention counseling or other professional support, as I think you would really be in need of that in order to prevent the aggravation of your mental health struggles, like a possible depression, for example. Look around and see what options are available locally that are free of charge. Or check whether there are online, free resources for Muslim women.

I pray for you, sister, for your well-being. May Allah ease your struggle. Please keep us updated.

Question 5. How can I please my mother whom I’ve hurt badly?

AOA, Few days ago we (siblings) had an argument with our mother as some problem was there, then after that when she started to talking me with anger so I started arguing with her and while I was arguing with her I truly said very inappropriate things which I shouldn’t hv said as a daughter and I’m still regretting bout what I have said.  At that time I myself didn’t knew that why I’m saying these all things as I was kind of frustrated. After that all drama, My mother got very upset & hurt with me which is breaking me from inside cuz I can’t live my life with my mother being upset and hurt with meh! And she doesn’t hv that trust on me (many times when there’s a problem between us siblings so she always used to ask me to do sabr or keep quiet but now she says I won’t say you that all now cuz I used to trust and blv u that you’ll sabr) Yk what! this thing is hurting me more than anything I dunno nothing I just want her to trust me again and be happy with meh but idk how to do that cuz I don’t fell myself worthy of asking forgiveness as I hv already done so many mistakes and my mother forgave me but this time I’m myself ashamed! Plz help me gaining that trust of my mother again and plz give me some tips to control my anger and tongue and not let shaitan control meh! Plz tell me that how can I plz my mother whom I’ve badly hurt! cuz I can’t live my life like dis! 😭 Plz help me out!!

May Allah Bless You!

Answer:

Wa alaikom salam dear sister,

Thank you for turning to us for help. It feels from your letter that you are really feeling hurt for what has happened between you and your mother and would really like to gain her trust again.

It was not long time ago, so the experience is still painful and it hurts. Probably for both of you. It is understandable, nonetheless, after an argument like the one you describe.

Sister, I am not trying to say that it is OK to lose control, scream, yell, or say bad things to a parent. Not at all. But I would like you to know that this happens. In the heat of an argument, when one gets so emotional that their impulses take control over their thoughts, people end up saying things they would normally never say to anyone, especially to someone they love.

And certainly, this moment has hurt and caused pain to others. Some people, for example, end up divorcing their spouses during a rage and only realize what they did when they have calmed down.

Islam recognizes this state, where our decisions and words—especially when we are under the influence of intense emotions—are altered and we cannot be held accountable for them. Read more about it here.

At the same time, we need to learn to manage our emotions both externally and inwardly and practice the habit of emotional awareness. You are asking for some tips, so here they are:

• Starting with the Prophetic recommendations: when you feel that you are getting emotional, and start noticing the physiological changes in your body (heat, sweating, fastened heartbeat, etc.) say bismillah and seek refugee in Allah from the Satan. Drink some cold water, change your position (even if it means going outside), and ask for a few minutes to calm down.
• The Prophet advised us to suppress our anger. Instead of lashing out, try to convert this energy into a more constructive one. For example, by learning how to be assertive instead of aggressive. Instead of your frustration, try to focus on something positive, for example, the love between you and your mother, to help suppress the anger. Or remember Allah and His Mercy.
• At the same time, when things have calmed down, you need to “finish” the discussion and express your needs during a more quiet, kind, and respectful conversation and not let your frustration “stack inside,” as it can also lead to physical and mental health problems.
• Controlling anger also means not interacting with others until you calm down. For many people, one of the most difficult things is to control the tongue, i.e., not say anything back when a conversation starts to get emotional.

It is not accidental that the Prophet (pbuh) said,

“when he was asked about that for which people are admitted into the Fire the most, and he said: ” The mouth and the private parts,”

and he advised either speak good or remain silent. If you hold your words back, it helps you to suppress your rage as well.

• I am not sure how your temperament is in general (which is a genetically determined disposition) or what type of anger and emotional management you have seen in your home. Both will influence your way of expressing and dealing with emotions. If you are prone to being easily irritable, you might need to put in some extra work. Here are some useful videos and articles from our site that might be beneficial for you, in sha Allah: The Art of Conversation,  Anger Management Tips, What Is Anger & How to Control It?

Regarding gaining your mother’s trust back

Sister, I advise you to talk to your mother and tell her that you have sincerely repented for the way you spoke to her. That you realized that it was hurtful, but you were too emotional to be able to judge the weight of your words at that moment.

At the same time, if there are some underlying issues that hurt you, I advise you to share them with her and try to settle the conflict down.

Also let her know how does behavior and her words make you feel and that you are also get hurt in these moments. Try to express your needs to her, and you will, inshallah, feel more understood.

Ask for forgiveness from her, from Allah, and finally, but not least, from yourself. We all make mistakes, sister; none of us is perfect. But after asking for forgiveness, try to focus on the present and the future and on how you can reconstruct the love and trust between you.

Here are some tips:

• Give your mother time. It happened not long ago. She might need some time until she processes your words and the fact that you said them out of control. Reassure her of your love and that you are working on having a better relationship with her and also on how to manage your emotions.
• While you are learning about anger management, you can share it with her and learn together. Good, sincere, and transparent communication in the family is important, and you may both benefit from assertive communication and emotional management techniques. Check these articles: How to Practice Non-Violent Communication in Rajab, Prophet Muhammad’s Unique Communication Skills, Effective Communication: Fighting Fair
• Try to show accountability for your deeds from now onwards even more, and responsibility for your mistakes. Admitting them instead of blaming the circumstances or others will increase your credibility.
• If you promise something, try to keep your word and also try to be consistent in your behavior. You may get angry in the future; it can happen. But try to work on dealing better with these conflicts by expressing your needs with respect and kindness, being honest, admitting your mistakes, and asking for forgiveness when necessary.

Sister, I hope that these tips will ease your guilt. I am sure that you will overcome this situation, by the will of Allah. These conflicts with the loved ones help us also to realize their value in your life and to improve your relationship together.

I pray to Allah to help you restore trust between each other.