Q I was in an online relationship with this Muslim guy on and off for two years and he had interest in me first. I just wanted to be his friend but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. We clicked on the first day. And he wanted to be more than friends and I didn’t want him to leave because he was something fresh and new and positive in my life so I agreed to be in a relationship with him and he was also being pushy when I said I’m not sure if online relationships work out.

After a month or two he kept being pushy and begging me to remove my clothes on camera. This was going on for a while until I decided to give in and after that I got triggered and cursed him out and then blocked him and came back after a month to explain what happened bc he said it was sudden.

And then he said OK he won’t do that again and he didn’t want to use me, he only does it with people he likes and that he was sad I left. And then, I think he was still acting sexual but not as much and I felt so mad but I didn’t say anything, I stayed strong and didn’t show him anything this time and then he broke up with me and said he can’t do online anymore and he prefers it face to face. He made me so horny, so I went back to a different ex and did stuff on camera with him because this new guy I met wanted it to be pure and fresh and not send him anything as I repented from showing a body part to him last time and repented from my ex.

I wanted him to be a fresh start because he is the first guy I ever liked. After 5months I went back to the Muslim guy and cut contact with my ex and I feel guilty but at the same time we were never together because he broke up with me and the same cycle of breaking up and getting back together continued for two years.

I’ve been sexually abused multiple times as a child which is why I behaved like this but Alhamdulillah I have changed and stopped sending nudes. That one time I went back was a relapse and I feel really regretful. I never had any support from a therapist or family or friends during the time I sent nudes, I was alone with my pain. I really liked this guy. Do you think that Allah has separated us because I went back to my ex and sent him nudes.

Did I ruin everything, I feel deep regret. I just wanted it to be pure and blessed and halal with him.

I feel really upset as well like I’ve been used by the Muslim guy, but he never answers me when I asked him did you use me, he just says this is the answer that I want, he ended up blocking me for good. I feel so sad and rageful because I feel used by this guy that I wanted something new and fresh from him. I truly liked him because I find it difficult to connect with people like that who make me genuinely laugh and connect.

I did eventually get therapy in between the going back and forth cycle and doing a bit better Alhamdulillah but I am still struggling.

I feel so sad and disappointed in myself. Feel like I have ruined myself because of my past. Do you think that Allah took him away from me because I did that stuff with my ex? I feel so sad