26 June, 2022
Q
Assalamualaikum, we have been married for 15 yrs and 14 (son), 12 and 9yr (daughters), we both are practicing Muslims and perform all our obligations on time.
My wife is a better Muslim and learn hadith and teaches her friends and family as well. I have always loved my wife and wanted her love and attention but felt that I was last in her list of priorities and was not given enough time and attention. I have provided the best I can for them and everything I did was for my family. All I did was work and be with them.
Last year, I had a physical incident with my wife where I tried to choke (astagfirullah) due to a misunderstanding between us. I have raised my hand for 15 years. I have raised my hand on my wife, this time being worse than ever. I have been physically abusive toward my son to discipline him but never too seriously and I had called names to my wife once a while.
I’m ashamed of my behavior and want Allah and my wife to forgive me (she said she has forgiven me). She left the house with the kids to move into a shelter on advice of her cousins and she stayed there for 5 months.
In the first month we barely spoke and then we solved our issue and spoke daily multiple times and met each other and worked on our relationship. In this period I went for Psychotherapy, islamic counseling and anger management and offered to go for the “Caring Dad” program suggested by the authorities.
Since she came back I have showered all my love on her and the family, spent all my time with the kids, been the best husband and dad and made up for the lost time, I work hard and provide for the entire family and always provide them with the best I can.
I never forced my wife to work or disrespected her family and since she came back I did not even raise my voice at her but unfortunately I once got very angry at my son but still did not hit him. Due to this reason I was asked by her family to move out and I stayed in my car for 8 days. Now I’m back at home but my wife does not eat with me, we have separate beds and do not even give me eye contact, we have her family member staying with us to make sure everything is right but that person is very unfair and will not even let us talk alone and interfere at every opportunity.
My wife wants me to divorce her because she feels this is the best way to keep my son safe and myself as well as if another incident happens my son could be harmed badly by me and taken to foster home and I will be taken by the cops. Her distant family spreads rumors about me and threatens me behind my back.
I know my wife still loves me a lot, cares for me and will not do anything which is not permitted by Allah. She is told by some Imam that she can ask for a divorce as she is oppressed and fears for her child.
Questions:
1) Is this a fair reason for divorce. 2) We have not done any counseling or mediation together and all decisions are made by her family, is this right? 3) is divorce liable when we still love and care for each other. 4) If forced, can I ask for an Iddaah period? 5) Is my wife still oppressed (as she was in the past) can demand for a khula?
I haven’t even raised my voice at her since she is back. I love my family and i’m doing everything to change myself by fasting nafl fast, praying tahajjud, crying and begging to Allah to forgive and to give me a chance to be how my wife wanted me to be and for Allah to bless me in loving, caring and cherishing my family by being the best father and husband I can. Please guide me.
My wife is a better Muslim and learn hadith and teaches her friends and family as well. I have always loved my wife and wanted her love and attention but felt that I was last in her list of priorities and was not given enough time and attention. I have provided the best I can for them and everything I did was for my family. All I did was work and be with them.
Last year, I had a physical incident with my wife where I tried to choke (astagfirullah) due to a misunderstanding between us. I have raised my hand for 15 years. I have raised my hand on my wife, this time being worse than ever. I have been physically abusive toward my son to discipline him but never too seriously and I had called names to my wife once a while.
I’m ashamed of my behavior and want Allah and my wife to forgive me (she said she has forgiven me). She left the house with the kids to move into a shelter on advice of her cousins and she stayed there for 5 months.
In the first month we barely spoke and then we solved our issue and spoke daily multiple times and met each other and worked on our relationship. In this period I went for Psychotherapy, islamic counseling and anger management and offered to go for the “Caring Dad” program suggested by the authorities.
Since she came back I have showered all my love on her and the family, spent all my time with the kids, been the best husband and dad and made up for the lost time, I work hard and provide for the entire family and always provide them with the best I can.
I never forced my wife to work or disrespected her family and since she came back I did not even raise my voice at her but unfortunately I once got very angry at my son but still did not hit him. Due to this reason I was asked by her family to move out and I stayed in my car for 8 days. Now I’m back at home but my wife does not eat with me, we have separate beds and do not even give me eye contact, we have her family member staying with us to make sure everything is right but that person is very unfair and will not even let us talk alone and interfere at every opportunity.
My wife wants me to divorce her because she feels this is the best way to keep my son safe and myself as well as if another incident happens my son could be harmed badly by me and taken to foster home and I will be taken by the cops. Her distant family spreads rumors about me and threatens me behind my back.
I know my wife still loves me a lot, cares for me and will not do anything which is not permitted by Allah. She is told by some Imam that she can ask for a divorce as she is oppressed and fears for her child.
Questions:
1) Is this a fair reason for divorce. 2) We have not done any counseling or mediation together and all decisions are made by her family, is this right? 3) is divorce liable when we still love and care for each other. 4) If forced, can I ask for an Iddaah period? 5) Is my wife still oppressed (as she was in the past) can demand for a khula?
I haven’t even raised my voice at her since she is back. I love my family and i’m doing everything to change myself by fasting nafl fast, praying tahajjud, crying and begging to Allah to forgive and to give me a chance to be how my wife wanted me to be and for Allah to bless me in loving, caring and cherishing my family by being the best father and husband I can. Please guide me.
Answer
Abuse and domestic violence is not a minor issue, even if you feel that you love your wife and your family.
If you have problems with violence and anger management, try to understand the trauma your family has been going through as a result of your behavior.
You need to step back and reflect on the root causes. What is causing you to be violent with those you love the most?
While this is a painful story, unfortunately, it is not uncommon at all.
Can you save your marriage in this situation? Check out Sr. Aisha’s detailed advice here.
For rulings on divorce related to abuse, check out our section Ask the Scholar or write to us here.
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