She says I am always in a bad mood when it is not true and sometimes when I am sad it is because of my pain and she abuses and yells at me saying I need to be happy at all times.
She says I have my father’s poisoned blood inside of me and says her blood is pure because of her father. She accuses me and curses me all the time for no reason.
I told her I want to be independent and live on my own. She curses me for wanting to leave her. I told her I wanted to complete my degree and buy my own house, do other things ect, before settling down with a respectable man.
She nearly kicked me out on the streets in the middle of the night in my night clothes, not even a scarf to cover myself and I hid away in the corner because I was scared what would happen to me.
She cursed me for it so much. I woke up and my illness had gotten worse. She said it was because I disobeyed her.
I do work even though I am in constant pain but she still says I am lazy and worthless. She goes on the phone and backbites me against other family members such as my aunt.
She brings me pain by saying I am a snake exactly like my father because I walk like him and look like him.
I was wearing a hat to cover my head to read Salah because it's bushy and wavy and sometimes comes out so I wear a hat and scarf both to cover it. She said she hated me because I looked exactly like my father wearing the hat.
She says nobody would want me as a wife and I will likely be divorced in less then a year. And she says to me she prays my child will make me suffer and give me the hardest time as a mother.
She has even gone as far as to say my future children may not even be. She says I am hideous to look at and always goes on about how beautiful she was and how many men were interested in her.
And abuses me both verbally and physically. I am so psychologically damaged. I look 4 years younger than my actual age. Like I’m 20 but people mistake me for 16 because I don't think I am developing properly because of her abuse.
My brother is mean to me and does and says nasty things to me but she always takes his side over everything and prays for him but always curses me.
She says I might as well go out and have a boyfriend because I am so worthless.
Please brother if I leave the house to escape from her abuse and she curses me will the abuse affect me?
I am not a bad person. I will do salah and not associate with bad people. I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I genuinely want it all to end sometimes.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
It seems your mother has not gotten over your father and her love has turned into a bitter resentment towards you.
Please also know and this is not your fault. This is not due to anything that you have done, nor could have prevented.
Sister please know that your mother does love you very much despite her physical and emotional abuse of you; and her cruel words, as well as her general terrible treatment of you.
Your mother is wrong sister you are a beautiful young Muslimah with a lot of wonderful things waiting ahead for you.
Sister I would kindly advise that you look around for an apartment of your own. You may also wish to seek out friends that you can room with.
Counseling will help you insha’Allah get on the path to healing so you can put this behind you and prepare for a wonderful beginning to a new life.
As salamu alaykum,
Shokran to write to us with your most important concerns.
I am sorry to hear about your health problems as well as the abuse you have been going through from your mom. I can imagine you are very hurt, confused, and traumatized by the way your mom has treated you.
Possible Mental Health Issues: Mother
Sister, it appears that your mother has some very severe mental health issues. Her problems appear to be surrounding your father, and I am assuming they are divorced. She is very bitter and hateful toward your father and is sadly taking it out on you.
With that said, usually when couples break up and one is bitter and angry for a very long time and cannot let it go, that usually indicates a lingering love that they have for that person as well as a bitterness and hatred for that person not being in their life anymore.
It seems your mother has not gotten over your father and her love has turned into a bitter resentment towards you.
There is a saying that there is a fine line between love and hate. All of this hatred and resentment appears to have affected her mental health as she is taking her pain and anger out on you in abusive ways.
This is Not your Fault
Sister please know that your mother does love you very much despite her physical and emotional abuse of you; and her cruel words, as well as her general terrible treatment of you.
Please also know and this is not your fault. This is not due to anything that you have done, nor could have prevented.
This lies solely on your mother. This is her sin to carry and insha’Allah she will wake up one day and get the help that she needs.
You do not Deserve this
I am so sorry that you have to go through this, you do not deserve to be abused, no child does. You are a beautiful young Muslimah who loves and fears Allah. And you are kind, intelligent and loving.
Also you are practicing patience and tolerance with your mother despite the pain she has inflicted upon you. May Allah bless you for your efforts, however it is time that you think about leaving home.
Check out this counseling video:
Leaving Home
Sister I would kindly advise that you look around for an apartment of your own. You may also wish to seek out friends that you can room with.
I am not sure of your family situation such as aunties that you could live with, but that may be an option as well. In any event you should not remain in an abusive situation. This is extremely toxic.
As you are an adult now you should leave this abusive situation and start your own life in a calm and happy home. Please do see what your options are for this.
Mother’s Maintenance
Despite her treatment of you, please do continue to be respectful and kind to your mother, yet knowing when to distance yourself if she becomes too toxic. That is your right.
Regarding your maintenance of your mother-if she has no health or financial needs at this time, there is no need for you to support her. Additionally, you have a brother who lives there that can look after her needs.
Should the time ever come that she is in financial or health distress, of course you would want to help her if you can, but at this point you need to focus on getting yourself situated in a new healthy lifestyle. This lifestyle you are living now is extremely toxic and it has hurt you very much.
Moving Forward
Sister, after you move and get settled, I would kindly advise that you also participate in counseling. You may have suffered from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and low confidence. You may also have symptoms of trauma as this has been an ongoing critical situation.
Counseling will help you insha’Allah get on the path to healing so you can put this behind you and prepare for a wonderful beginning to a new life. Insha’Allah you may wish to think about going to college, getting a job that you would like, and finding a husband if you so wish.
I know this move may sound scary, but insha’Allah it will bring you great healing and happiness.
In fact, I would not be surprised if a lot of your physical pain and symptoms diminished after you moved out and started healing. We as humans tend to hold our pain and anguish in our bodies and minds and it may get expressed as physical or mental illnesses.
Ridding Negative Thoughts
When reading this part of the response, you may suddenly think of the bad things your mother has been telling you about yourself and your future. Your mother is wrong sister you are a beautiful young Muslima with a lot of wonderful things waiting ahead for you.
This includes a husband, children, your own home and much happiness insha’Allah. One point I would like to illustrate is that by getting counseling, it will insha’Allah help in getting rid of the negative thoughts that your mother has been telling you about yourself all these years.
It may help you to get over the hurt and trauma of abuse and enable you see yourself and the true light of the wonderful person that you are.
Abuse is Sadly Common
It is so sad that abuse like this happens. It is even sadder that it is rampant worldwide and that it is prevalent within our ummah. There are many young girls in your situation who have (or are currently) in abusive families.
This should not be the case as we are Muslims and we know Allah detest abuse and oppression, yet it is one of the scourges in our ummah that we must address. You are not alone in this sister.
Perhaps you may consider joining a support group for Adult Children who are Survivors of Abuse. There are many good tips to learn, sharing of stories of overcoming abuse; learning how others healed, as well as inspiring others with your upcoming success story if you so choose.
So many young Muslimah’s need to hear positive voices of love, freedom, and survival.
Conclusion
Sister please do seek out your own apartment as soon as possible. You do not have to tell your mother, just start making your plans and do it. If you cannot afford an apartment, see if there is a friend or family member who you can live with.
Get counseling insha’Allah to address any effects of the abuse so you can move on towards healing and a happy life. Please do not feel guilty about leaving but look at it as a needed action in order to save yourself from further harm.
Stay close to Allah, go to the Masjid for your prayers, attend Islamic events, and go out with your Muslim sisters for social activities. This will bring a balance to your life and help you to heal faster.
I have full confidence in you sister that you can make these moves in order to heal and seek happiness which Allah wants for you in abundance. We wish you the best.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/family-life/requiem-of-a-marriage-struggling-with-divorce/