Assalamualaikum. I have a question to ask about My husband and parents.
When I was 7 months pregnant, my father asked my in laws to leave me at his home and that he would take care of my pregnancy and delivery. So I went to my home in the 7th month.
They have been taking care of me since then in the best way possible. My husband and his family came for my delivery from abroad but unfortunately my father couldn't come.
But my father paid for all the hospital expenses and arranged for my after delivery treatment.
But then an argument erupted between the families regarding after delivery treatment and things became worse.
My husband and his family claimed the treatment was not good although it was good ( better than they could arrange at that time).
My husband wanted to take me back to his home and made his dad call mine and asked whether he would let them take me ( to my husband's home).
My father said no...being that my delivery was over,I was taking rest at home and everything else was arranged.
Then my husband asked me whether I'll go with him if he called me. I said I have to ask my dad.
Because if I said yes, he would definitely call me and I will have to deny everything which my parents have done and have arranged. I wanted to go only after the treatment was over.
Now my baby is 1.5 yrs old, I came to my husband's house after the delivery treatment in my house and have been living with him ever since.
My husband still doesn't maintain a good relationship with my family.
Also he is bearing that in mind and saying that I won't be with him in the time of a crisis and I won't make a good partner.
Where have I gone wrong? Was my decision correct?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
The situation really should have been between you and your husband.
At any rate there seems to be a need to clear the air and resolve whatever conflicts are between you and your husband and then insha’Allah between the two families.
I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you sit down with your husband when things are calm and discuss the situation.
Sister, you may wish Insha’Allah to suggest to your husband that you both draw closer to Allah.
You may want to have a date night where you and your husband go out for dinner, a show, or something else that you enjoy.
Ramadan Mubarak,
Shokran for writing to us with your concern’s dear sister. As I understand your situationو your father and your family arranged for medical treatment when you became pregnant. This included care for you in the last months of pregnancy, the delivery, and after care for you and the baby.
Your dad paid for these medical costs. You remained at your family home until the aftercare was over. It was then you went to your husband’s home. In the end of this (after-care) your husband and his family became upset. Your husband now feels you will not stay by him in a crisis.
Father Helps with Delivery Costs for Daughter and Baby
Sister I’m not sure what the situation was with your husband or where you were living prior to getting pregnant. Perhaps you still lived in your home with your parents. Maybe you lived with your husband but there was no treatment available where you were at, or the hospitals were not adequate.
Nonetheless your father did arrange for you to have care and you stay at your family home the last few months of your pregnancy and delivered your child there. He also arranged for after care. It is my understanding that this was for health and safety reasons.
Initial Agreement
Somewhere along the line your husband and you must have discussed this prior to you going there, or by not leaving your family home to go to your husband. Therefore, he initially agreed it seems.
The aftercare was the point your husband and his parents felt that the treatment was not good and that it was inadequate. Disagreement did break out between the families which put you in a very strange spot.
Sister I’m not sure if it was a case that your husband could not afford the medical fees associated with prenatal care, childbirth, and postnatal care. Or if the situation was just better all the way around at home with your family.
Still in any event, your husband seems to have agreed to the arrangement which included what you call post-treatment care after childbirth
Sister I can understand you wanting to have adequate care for you and your baby especially during childbirth and after.
Mother-Baby Care and Safety
It was a very sensitive time. It looks reasonable that once you and your child were stable that you would go to your husband. As this was agreed by both you and your husband. How his family got involved in these decisions that the aftercare was not good, I am not sure.
The situation really should have been between you and your husband. If you felt it wise to stay for aftercare, your feelings should have been considered. This was about the safety and health of you and your baby.
It was so nice of your dad to pay for your medical alhumdulilah, but still the decision of when to go back should be based on the health of you and your child. No one should be upset at you, nor with one another.
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Issues with Husband and his Family
As it stands now you are still having issues with your husband even though you are home with him. Due to this situation of the aftercare you chose to receive, he feels that you are undependable in a crisis therefore would not make a good marriage partner.
Sister, while it was very kind that your parents provided medical care for you and your child, it really was your husband’s responsibility to ensure that you did receive adequate care. However, being that he did agree for your father to provide this, I am confused as to why he and his family are upset now.
Working it out
You stated that currently your child is 1.5 years old. I am assuming that you went home earlier than one and a half years. Otherwise that does seem like an extended time to be without your husband unless there is a really good reason.
At any rate there seems to be a need to clear the air and resolve whatever conflicts are between you and your husband and then insha’Allah between the two families.
It sounds like everybody was working towards your best interest sister but possibly miscommunication or ego caused fitnah.
I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you sit down with your husband when things are calm and discuss the situation. You may want to approach him initially stating how much you love him and appreciate him and want to make the marriage work.
You may wish to ask him what needs to be changed or done a different way for future reference. Also write down points pertaining to your pregnancy, childbirth, and after-care to which you both agreed to when your dad offered to help. Points could pertain to these agreements, circumstances and events.
Discuss this from an Islamic foundation in regards to family unity, caring, and kindness. You can bring up points of gratitude for your dad as well as his parents concern.
Additionally, references to the main issue-which was your and your child’s health should always take precedence because after all-this is what it is about. Sadly, pregnancy and childbirth should not be this complicated. It should be a joyful event, not a fiasco.
In any event it has become a point of contention in your marriage and insha’Allah needs to be resolved. Sister if your husband is not willing to resolve this one issue you may wish to suggest marriage counseling or suggest the both of you speak to an Imam to resolve this.
It appears that you and your husband love each other very much but communication, misunderstandings, and family has created as wedge.
Draw Closer to Allah and each other
Sister, you may wish Insha’Allah to suggest to your husband that you both draw closer to Allah. This would include praying together, attending the Masjid together, reading Qur’an, as well as attending Islamic events together.
Insha’Allah this can help bring you closer and strengthen your marriage. Encourage the application of Islamic values in your marriage. This would include having love, mercy, kindness, forgiveness, tenderness, and protection for one another.
It would include repairing relationships between the families so there are no hard feelings lingering. As everyone in your families are Muslim, Islamically there should be no reason for them to oppose one another. You may want to give gentle reminders of this.
Date Night
Lastly, you may want to have a date night where you and your husband go out for dinner, a show, or something else that you enjoy. This can be done once a week or a few times a month depending on your schedules.
Date nights have proven to be very helpful with marriages that are having problems. By having a date night, it separates you and your husband from the stress of thinking about things that bother you. It pulls you away from all of that and put you in a new atmosphere and in a new light where you may be able to start fresh and new.
Conclusion
Insha’Allah sister some of these tips will be beneficial. Please do try to resolve this situation with your husband in a calm and loving conversation relating this to the main focus-you and the baby’s well-being.
His agreement (and yours) for your dad to arrange and pay for the medical. As well as the need to move forward in love and mercy -as a Muslim family striving to please Allah swt. We wish you the best.
salam,
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https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-parenting/child-development/raise-child-islamically/
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/4-ways-honor-laws-make-marriage-work/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/laws-interfere-private-life/